Experts say bringing back discipline is key to getting well-behaved kids.
By Sherry Rauh
WebMD FeatureReviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD
Watching prime-time TV may give the impression that today's parents are getting desperate -- the shows Supernanny, Nanny 911 and, yes, even Desperate Housewives feature overwhelmed moms and dads struggling to get their kids under control.
Cynthia Goodman can relate. On the boardwalk near her home in Hallandale Beach, Fla., her 2-year-old daughter once threw a tantrum so violent that bystanders called the police. "Lailee has always wanted her way, and I made the mistake of always going her way," Goodman tells WebMD. Like many parents, she finds it easier to give in than to watch her little girl kick, scream and bang her head on the ground. So Goodman's day revolves around avoiding tantrums, a strategy that has made her virtually housebound. "Lailee often doesn't want to get dressed, so we don't go out … I just stay inside with her watching videos rather than enjoying the beautiful day."
Goodman's experience illustrates a trend, according to clinical psychologist Ruth Peters, PhD, author of Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control. "I think kids are harder to manage today because so many parents are afraid to discipline," Peters tells WebMD. This is especially true of working parents who want the limited time they spend with their children to be positive. But in the long run, Peters says, letting kids rule the roost doesn't do them any favors. If they always get their way, they can't learn how to handle disappointment or frustration. "The price these kids are ultimately going to pay is tremendous. Teachers won't like them, peers won't like them, and they'll have trouble dealing with failure successfully."
When Is It Time for a New Approach to Discipline?
After the debut of her reality series on ABC, Supernanny Jo Frost told reporters, "I think this is a situation we got ourselves into … that parents want to be their children's friends and they don't discipline." Frost is trying to change that one family at a time. In each episode of Supernanny she restores order to a chaotic household by showing parents the benefits of structure, consistency, and disciplinary techniques such as the "naughty step" -- also known as "time out." "At the end of the day, a parent is a parent and not a friend," she says.
Peters says programs like Supernanny and Fox's Nanny 911 are doing a public service by putting discipline back in vogue. "I think those shows offer quite a bit to parents who don't have a clue how to discipline."
Nicholas Long, PhD, co-author of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, agrees. "I think so many parents are struggling with how to best manage their children's behavior and these nannies are offering concrete advice."
So how do you know whether your own disciplinary style is in need of a makeover? Long, who is the director of the Center for Effective Parenting and a professor of pediatrics at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, says it's time to make a change if you feel your kids have control of you instead of vice versa, or if you're getting complaints about your children's behavior from other adults, such as teachers or caregivers. If this applies to your family -- and you can't hire a miracle nanny to come to the rescue -- you can still try some of the nannies' techniques to help get your children back on track.
Set Clear Limits
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, toddlers begin purposefully testing the limits of acceptable behavior at about 18 months of age. It's up to you to set and communicate those limits. You can't expect your children to behave if they have no idea what the rules are. Long suggests making the rules very clear and specific. "If we tell our kids, 'be good' or 'be careful' it can mean so many different things. Be concrete, such as 'be gentle with your sister.'"
Set Clear Consequences
Just as your children need to know the rules, they need to be aware of the consequences of breaking those rules. Whether you use the "time out" technique or take away a child's favorite toy, there must be something tangible at stake. It's fine to explain the reasoning behind your rules, but don't expect that to be enough to make your kids cooperate. "Nagging and lecturing are ridiculous," Peters says. "You're wasting your time. There must be clear consequences."
Be Consistent and Predictable
Once you make a rule and tell your kids what's at stake, you must follow through. If you don't, they won't take the rule seriously. And if the rules keep changing, your kids may end up confused and frustrated. "If they can jump on the furniture one day and the parents don't do anything, and the next day the parents yell about it, the children won't know what the limits are," Long tells WebMD. Some children will test the limits again and again just to figure out what they are.
Parents Can Be a Good Example
You may tell your kids, "Do as I say, not as I do," but children learn by watching their parents. If you don't want your children throwing tantrums, set an example by keeping your cool -- even when your toddler has just redecorated the family room couch with finger paints. "Parents should punish their children in a matter-of-fact manner without getting too angry or upset," Long says.
Avoid Reinforcing Undesirable Behavior
When children whine or throw tantrums, it's tempting to give them anything they want so they'll stop wearing down your already frazzled nerves. But rewarding a tantrum with candy or anything else is a sure-fire way to inspire more tantrums.
Praise Good Behavior
"Discipline is not just punishment but includes positive feedback," Long says. Don't take good behavior for granted, or your kids may feel they get more attention when they behave badly. Just as praise from a teacher can motivate kids at school, praise from mom or dad can encourage good behavior at home.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/is-your-family-out-of-control?page=2
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Relaxation techniques: Learn ways to calm your stress
Relaxation techniques can reduce negative responses to stress and help you enjoy a better quality of life. Explore relaxation techniques you can do on your own.
Relaxation techniques are a great way to help your quest for stress management. Relaxation isn't just about peace of mind or enjoying a hobby. Relaxation is a process that decreases the wear and tear of life's challenges on your mind and body.
Whether you have a lot of stress in your life or you've got it under control, you can benefit from learning relaxation techniques. Learning basic relaxation techniques isn't hard. Explore these simple relaxation techniques to get you started on de-stressing your life and improving your health.
The benefits of relaxation techniques
With so many things to do, relaxation techniques may take a back seat in your life. But that means you may miss out on the health benefits of relaxation.
Practicing relaxation techniques can improve how you physically respond to stress by:
*Slowing your heart rate
*Lowering blood pressure
*Slowing your breathing rate
*Reducing the need for oxygen
*Increasing blood flow to major muscles
*Reducing muscle tension
You may also gain these overall health and lifestyle benefits from relaxation techniques:
*Fewer physical symptoms, such as headaches and back pain
*Fewer emotional responses, such as anger and frustration
*More energy
*Improved concentration
*Greater ability to handle problems
*More efficiency in daily activities
Types of relaxation techniques
Although health professionals such as complementary and alternative medicine practitioners, doctors and psychotherapists can teach relaxation techniques, you can also learn some on your own. Relaxation techniques usually involve refocusing your attention to something calming and increasing awareness of your body. It doesn't matter which technique you choose. What matters is that you try to practice relaxation regularly.
There are several main types of relaxation techniques, including:
*Autogenic relaxation. Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In this technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to help you relax and reduce muscle tension. You may imagine a peaceful place and then focus on controlled, relaxing breathing, slowing your heart rate, or different physical sensations, such as relaxing each arm or leg one by one.
*Progressive muscle relaxation. In this technique, you focus on slowly tensing and then relaxing each muscle group. This helps you focus on the difference between muscle tension and relaxation, and you become more aware of physical sensations. You may choose to start by tensing and relaxing the muscles in your toes and progressively working your way up to your neck and head. Tense your muscles for at least five seconds and then relax for 30 seconds, and repeat.
*Visualization. In this technique, you form mental images to take a visual journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. Try to use as many senses as you can, including smells, sights, sounds and textures. If you imagine relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about the warmth of the sun, the sound of crashing waves, the feel of the grains of sand and the smell of salt water. You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.
Other relaxation techniques include those you may be more familiar with, such as:
*Yoga
*Tai chi
*Music
*Exercise
*Meditation
*Hypnosis
*Massage
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/relaxation-technique/SR00007
Relaxation techniques are a great way to help your quest for stress management. Relaxation isn't just about peace of mind or enjoying a hobby. Relaxation is a process that decreases the wear and tear of life's challenges on your mind and body.
Whether you have a lot of stress in your life or you've got it under control, you can benefit from learning relaxation techniques. Learning basic relaxation techniques isn't hard. Explore these simple relaxation techniques to get you started on de-stressing your life and improving your health.
The benefits of relaxation techniques
With so many things to do, relaxation techniques may take a back seat in your life. But that means you may miss out on the health benefits of relaxation.
Practicing relaxation techniques can improve how you physically respond to stress by:
*Slowing your heart rate
*Lowering blood pressure
*Slowing your breathing rate
*Reducing the need for oxygen
*Increasing blood flow to major muscles
*Reducing muscle tension
You may also gain these overall health and lifestyle benefits from relaxation techniques:
*Fewer physical symptoms, such as headaches and back pain
*Fewer emotional responses, such as anger and frustration
*More energy
*Improved concentration
*Greater ability to handle problems
*More efficiency in daily activities
Types of relaxation techniques
Although health professionals such as complementary and alternative medicine practitioners, doctors and psychotherapists can teach relaxation techniques, you can also learn some on your own. Relaxation techniques usually involve refocusing your attention to something calming and increasing awareness of your body. It doesn't matter which technique you choose. What matters is that you try to practice relaxation regularly.
There are several main types of relaxation techniques, including:
*Autogenic relaxation. Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In this technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to help you relax and reduce muscle tension. You may imagine a peaceful place and then focus on controlled, relaxing breathing, slowing your heart rate, or different physical sensations, such as relaxing each arm or leg one by one.
*Progressive muscle relaxation. In this technique, you focus on slowly tensing and then relaxing each muscle group. This helps you focus on the difference between muscle tension and relaxation, and you become more aware of physical sensations. You may choose to start by tensing and relaxing the muscles in your toes and progressively working your way up to your neck and head. Tense your muscles for at least five seconds and then relax for 30 seconds, and repeat.
*Visualization. In this technique, you form mental images to take a visual journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. Try to use as many senses as you can, including smells, sights, sounds and textures. If you imagine relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about the warmth of the sun, the sound of crashing waves, the feel of the grains of sand and the smell of salt water. You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.
Other relaxation techniques include those you may be more familiar with, such as:
*Yoga
*Tai chi
*Music
*Exercise
*Meditation
*Hypnosis
*Massage
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/relaxation-technique/SR00007
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Anger management tips: Tame your temper
Controlling your temper isn't always easy. But these effective anger management techniques will help give you the upper hand.
If your outbursts, rages or bullying are negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even complete strangers, it's time to change the way you express your anger. You can take steps on your own to improve your anger management.
Anger management tips
Here are some anger management tips to help get your anger under control:
*Take a "time out." Although it may seem cliche, counting to 10 before reacting, or leaving the situation altogether, really can defuse your temper.
*Do something physically exerting. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
*Find ways to calm and soothe yourself. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "take it easy." You can also listen to music, paint, journal or do yoga.
*Once you're calm, express your anger as soon as possible so that you aren't left stewing. If you simply can't express your anger in a controlled manner to the person who angered you, try talking to a family member, friend, counselor or another trusted person.
*Think carefully before you say anything so that you don't end up saying something you'll regret. Write a script and rehearse it so that you can stick to the issues.
Work with the person who angered you to identify solutions to the situation.
*Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework." To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.
Don't hold a grudge. Forgive the other person. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
*Use humor to release tensions, such as imagining yourself or the other person in silly situations. Don't use sarcasm, though — it's just another form of unhealthy expression.
*Keep an anger log to identify the kinds of situations that set you off and to monitor your reactions.
*Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up.
Sticking with anger management skills
It may take some time and intense effort to put these tips into practice when you're facing situations that typically send you into a rage. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to remember your coping strategies.
You may need to keep something with you that serves as a reminder to step back from the situation and get your anger under control. For instance, you may want to keep a small, smooth stone in your pocket or a scrap of paper with your tips written down. With due diligence, these anger management techniques will come more naturally and you'll no longer need such reminders.
Getting professional anger management help
You can practice many of these anger management strategies on your own. But if your anger seems out of control, is hurting your relationships or has escalated into violence, you may benefit from seeing a psychotherapist or an anger management professional. Role playing in controlled situations, such as anger management classes, can help you practice your techniques.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102
If your outbursts, rages or bullying are negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even complete strangers, it's time to change the way you express your anger. You can take steps on your own to improve your anger management.
Anger management tips
Here are some anger management tips to help get your anger under control:
*Take a "time out." Although it may seem cliche, counting to 10 before reacting, or leaving the situation altogether, really can defuse your temper.
*Do something physically exerting. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
*Find ways to calm and soothe yourself. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "take it easy." You can also listen to music, paint, journal or do yoga.
*Once you're calm, express your anger as soon as possible so that you aren't left stewing. If you simply can't express your anger in a controlled manner to the person who angered you, try talking to a family member, friend, counselor or another trusted person.
*Think carefully before you say anything so that you don't end up saying something you'll regret. Write a script and rehearse it so that you can stick to the issues.
Work with the person who angered you to identify solutions to the situation.
*Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework." To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.
Don't hold a grudge. Forgive the other person. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
*Use humor to release tensions, such as imagining yourself or the other person in silly situations. Don't use sarcasm, though — it's just another form of unhealthy expression.
*Keep an anger log to identify the kinds of situations that set you off and to monitor your reactions.
*Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up.
Sticking with anger management skills
It may take some time and intense effort to put these tips into practice when you're facing situations that typically send you into a rage. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to remember your coping strategies.
You may need to keep something with you that serves as a reminder to step back from the situation and get your anger under control. For instance, you may want to keep a small, smooth stone in your pocket or a scrap of paper with your tips written down. With due diligence, these anger management techniques will come more naturally and you'll no longer need such reminders.
Getting professional anger management help
You can practice many of these anger management strategies on your own. But if your anger seems out of control, is hurting your relationships or has escalated into violence, you may benefit from seeing a psychotherapist or an anger management professional. Role playing in controlled situations, such as anger management classes, can help you practice your techniques.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102
Monday, March 31, 2008
Brain Can Learn Compassion via Meditation
Study Shows Meditation May Activate the Brain to Learn Empathy
By Jennifer Warner
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 26, 2008 -- Practice may make perfect when it comes to kindness and compassion.
A new study shows practicing kindness and compassion through regular meditation actually activates the brain and makes people more empathetic to others.
It's the first study to use functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to analyze the effects of compassion meditation on brain activity. The results suggest that people can train themselves to be more compassionate just as they'd train themselves to play a musical instrument.
Researchers say the study also suggests that practicing compassion meditation may also be a useful tool in preventing bullying, violence, aggression, and depression by altering brain activity to make people more empathetic to other peoples' emotions.
"We can take advantage of our brain's plasticity and train it to enhance these qualities," says researcher Antione Lutz, associate scientist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, in a news release. "Thinking about other people's suffering and not just your own helps to put everything in perspective."
Teaching the Brain Empathy
Participating in the study were 16 Tibetan monks experienced in meditation and a comparison group of 16 people with no prior experience in meditation. People in the comparison group were taught the fundamentals of compassion meditation two weeks prior to the study.
During the study, researchers used fMRI to measure the response of the participants' brains to a variety of neutral or negative sounds, such as a distressed woman, a baby laughing, or background restaurant noise.
During the session, researchers took separate scans of the brain when the participants heard the sounds during a meditative and neutral state.
The scans showed significant increases in activity in the portion of the brain known as the insula, which plays a key role in emotion, in experienced meditators when they were exposed to negative emotional sounds. There was less increase in activity during exposure to neutral or positive sounds. The strength of brain activity was also related to the intensity of the meditation reported by the participants.
"The insula is extremely important in detecting emotions in general and specifically in mapping bodily responses to emotion -- such as heart rate and blood pressure -- and making that information available to other parts of the brain," says researcher Richard Davidson, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, in the news release.
Brain activity also increased in other brain areas believed to be important in processing empathy, such as perceiving the mental and emotional state of others.
"Both of these areas have been linked to emotion sharing and empathy," Davidson says. "The combination of these two effects, which was much more noticeable in the expert meditators as opposed to the novices, was very powerful."
Sourced by :TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20080326/brain-learns-compassion-via-meditation
By Jennifer Warner
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 26, 2008 -- Practice may make perfect when it comes to kindness and compassion.
A new study shows practicing kindness and compassion through regular meditation actually activates the brain and makes people more empathetic to others.
It's the first study to use functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to analyze the effects of compassion meditation on brain activity. The results suggest that people can train themselves to be more compassionate just as they'd train themselves to play a musical instrument.
Researchers say the study also suggests that practicing compassion meditation may also be a useful tool in preventing bullying, violence, aggression, and depression by altering brain activity to make people more empathetic to other peoples' emotions.
"We can take advantage of our brain's plasticity and train it to enhance these qualities," says researcher Antione Lutz, associate scientist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, in a news release. "Thinking about other people's suffering and not just your own helps to put everything in perspective."
Teaching the Brain Empathy
Participating in the study were 16 Tibetan monks experienced in meditation and a comparison group of 16 people with no prior experience in meditation. People in the comparison group were taught the fundamentals of compassion meditation two weeks prior to the study.
During the study, researchers used fMRI to measure the response of the participants' brains to a variety of neutral or negative sounds, such as a distressed woman, a baby laughing, or background restaurant noise.
During the session, researchers took separate scans of the brain when the participants heard the sounds during a meditative and neutral state.
The scans showed significant increases in activity in the portion of the brain known as the insula, which plays a key role in emotion, in experienced meditators when they were exposed to negative emotional sounds. There was less increase in activity during exposure to neutral or positive sounds. The strength of brain activity was also related to the intensity of the meditation reported by the participants.
"The insula is extremely important in detecting emotions in general and specifically in mapping bodily responses to emotion -- such as heart rate and blood pressure -- and making that information available to other parts of the brain," says researcher Richard Davidson, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, in the news release.
Brain activity also increased in other brain areas believed to be important in processing empathy, such as perceiving the mental and emotional state of others.
"Both of these areas have been linked to emotion sharing and empathy," Davidson says. "The combination of these two effects, which was much more noticeable in the expert meditators as opposed to the novices, was very powerful."
Sourced by :TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20080326/brain-learns-compassion-via-meditation
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Why So Many Arguments?
Moms, Tots Argue 20 Times an Hour
It's Not Just the Temperamental Toddlers Who Clash With Mom, Study Shows
By Miranda Hitti
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 25, 2008 -- Mothers and their toddlers argue 20-25 times per hour on average, a new study shows.
Sixty moms and their children took part. The moms and kids were studied twice: when the children were 30 months old and again six months later.
First, the moms took their 30-month-old children to the researchers' lab. The researchers videotaped each pair during playtime (with the moms enforcing rules about toys), while the moms read to and talked with their children, and as the kids worked on puzzles that were too hard for their age.
In short, the researchers loaded the lab session with fodder for parent-child conflicts. The kids couldn't get certain toys they wanted, and the puzzle task was designed to be frustrating. All in all, there were plenty of opportunities for meltdowns all around.
When the kids were 36 months old, their moms tape-recorded their interactions with that child just before and during dinner time. The point was to get an idea of how the moms and toddlers interact in their home, not in an unfamiliar lab.
"Mothers and toddlers were arguing on average between 20-25 times an hour at both assessment periods," write Lehigh University's Deborah Laible, PhD, and colleagues.
That average is based on a wide range of hourly quarrels, from a low of four conflicts per hour to a high of 55 arguments per hour. Remember, the moms and kids were only studied during times when conflict was likely; they probably didn't clash like that around the clock.
Those conflicts were more likely to get resolved without major drama if the kids had a good relationship with their mother and weren't especially temperamental, active, or impulsive, according to surveys completed by the moms.
Those factors didn't affect the frequency of the mother-child conflicts. Such conflicts are normal and frequent during the toddler and early preschool years, Laible's team writes.
Their study appears in the March/April 2008 issue of Child Development.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup
SOURCES:http://children.webmd.com/news/20080325/moms-tots-argue-20-times-an-hour?ecd=wnl_prg_032708&print=true
Laible, D. Child Development, March/April 2008; vol 79: pp 426-443.
News release, Society for Research in Child Development.
© 2008 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
It's Not Just the Temperamental Toddlers Who Clash With Mom, Study Shows
By Miranda Hitti
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 25, 2008 -- Mothers and their toddlers argue 20-25 times per hour on average, a new study shows.
Sixty moms and their children took part. The moms and kids were studied twice: when the children were 30 months old and again six months later.
First, the moms took their 30-month-old children to the researchers' lab. The researchers videotaped each pair during playtime (with the moms enforcing rules about toys), while the moms read to and talked with their children, and as the kids worked on puzzles that were too hard for their age.
In short, the researchers loaded the lab session with fodder for parent-child conflicts. The kids couldn't get certain toys they wanted, and the puzzle task was designed to be frustrating. All in all, there were plenty of opportunities for meltdowns all around.
When the kids were 36 months old, their moms tape-recorded their interactions with that child just before and during dinner time. The point was to get an idea of how the moms and toddlers interact in their home, not in an unfamiliar lab.
"Mothers and toddlers were arguing on average between 20-25 times an hour at both assessment periods," write Lehigh University's Deborah Laible, PhD, and colleagues.
That average is based on a wide range of hourly quarrels, from a low of four conflicts per hour to a high of 55 arguments per hour. Remember, the moms and kids were only studied during times when conflict was likely; they probably didn't clash like that around the clock.
Those conflicts were more likely to get resolved without major drama if the kids had a good relationship with their mother and weren't especially temperamental, active, or impulsive, according to surveys completed by the moms.
Those factors didn't affect the frequency of the mother-child conflicts. Such conflicts are normal and frequent during the toddler and early preschool years, Laible's team writes.
Their study appears in the March/April 2008 issue of Child Development.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup
SOURCES:http://children.webmd.com/news/20080325/moms-tots-argue-20-times-an-hour?ecd=wnl_prg_032708&print=true
Laible, D. Child Development, March/April 2008; vol 79: pp 426-443.
News release, Society for Research in Child Development.
© 2008 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Being assertive: Reduce stress and communicate better through assertiveness
Assertiveness can help control stress and anger and improve coping skills for mental illnesses. Learn assertive behavior with these steps.
Being assertive is a core communication skill. It means that you stand up for yourself, express yourself effectively and prevent others from taking advantage of you. Being assertive helps boost self-confidence and may help you win respect from others. It can also help control stress and anger.
So if being assertive is so useful and healthy, why is it often so hard to achieve? And how can you become more assertive?
Understanding assertive communication
People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. For many people, communication style becomes such an ingrained habit that they're not even aware of how they're communicating. And they tend to stick to the same style even when it's ineffective or harmful.
In the majority of situations, being assertive is most effective. Assertive communication revolves around mutual respect — giving and getting respect. Assertiveness shows self-respect because it means that you stand up for your personal rights, protect your self-interests and express your feelings, needs and ideas in a way that is honest and direct.
It's not just what you say — your message — but how you say it that's important. If you communicate in a way that's passive or aggressive, the content of your message may be completely lost because the people you are communicating with are too busy reacting to your delivery. Assertive communication gives you the best chance to deliver your message successfully.
Assertive vs. passive behavior
Passive communication shows a lack of respect for your own rights. It gives others the opportunity to disregard your wants and needs. For instance, you say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project while he or she goes on vacation, even though you're already behind and this means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Or you routinely say something such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." The message you communicate is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of others.
You may tell yourself that behaving passively simply keeps the peace and prevents conflicts. But what it really does is get in the way of authentic relationships. And worse, it may cause you a lot of internal conflict because your needs and your family's needs come second. This internal conflict may lead to:
*Stress
*Health issues such as high blood pressure
*Seething anger
*Feelings of victimization
*Passive-aggressive behavior
*Secret desires to exact revenge
Assertive vs. aggressive behavior
Aggression is assertiveness gone bad. Aggressive people disregard the needs, feelings and opinions of others. They may feel or act self-righteous or superior. They may bully others, humiliate them, degrade them or even act physically threatening.
Aggression doesn't foster mutual respect. Instead, it indicates a desire for power and domination — winning at the other person's expense. Someone who's aggressive may get too close to you, point his or her finger at you, yell, shove you, and tell you that your opinion doesn't matter.
The benefits of being assertive
Assertive behavior is useful on a daily basis in a variety of situations, including at home, at work, running errands and virtually any place where you interact with other people.
Being assertive offers many powerful benefits. It moves you from being a passive player in your own life to directing and controlling your life. When you're passive, you allow others to violate your rights — to walk all over you, as the saying goes.
In contrast, behaving assertively can help you:
*Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
*Understand and recognize your feelings
*Earn respect from others
*Improve communication
*Create win-win situations
*Improve your decision-making skills
*Create honest relationships
*Gain more job satisfaction
Some research studies suggest that being assertive also can help people cope better with many mental health problems, including depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia.
Learning to be more assertive
Some people appear naturally assertive. But if you tend to be more passive, you can learn assertiveness skills with a little practice. And if you tend to be aggressive, you can learn how to tone down your communication style.
Here are some steps in assertiveness training you can try on your own:
*Honestly assess your communication style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional chores or tasks even when your plate is already full? Do others consider you to act on the aggressive or passive side? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do others seem to dread or fear talking to you?
*Use assertive language. Use "I" statements so that others know what you're thinking and you don't sound accusatory or blaming. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." Don't beat around the bush — be direct. If you have a hard time turning down requests, simply say, "No, I can't do that now." Give a brief explanation, if appropriate.
*Rehearse what you want to say. If you have a particular issue in mind, focus on that. Otherwise, rehearse typical scenarios you encounter. For instance, if you want to ask for a raise, practice what you want to say. It may help to write a script. Say it out loud. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.
*Remember your body language. Assertive communication isn't just verbal. It also involves body language. Act as if you're confident even if you aren't. Keep an upright posture but lean forward a bit. Hold eye contact. Respect the other person's personal space — don't get too close. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice in front of a mirror.
*Keep your emotions in check. You may be full of pent-up anger and frustration. Some people may cry when faced with conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then, remain calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
*Start with small wins. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, you may want to try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach, if necessary.
When you need extra help being assertive
Remember, being assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. On the flip side, if you're driven to aggressive communication because of anger issues, you can learn anger management tips to help cool down.
But if you do rehearse and aim for small wins yet still don't seem to achieve your goals, consider formal assertiveness training. And if you simply feel too overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or angry to cope on your own, consider talking to a mental health provider. Working on these skills with a professional can be both fun and empowering.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042
Being assertive is a core communication skill. It means that you stand up for yourself, express yourself effectively and prevent others from taking advantage of you. Being assertive helps boost self-confidence and may help you win respect from others. It can also help control stress and anger.
So if being assertive is so useful and healthy, why is it often so hard to achieve? And how can you become more assertive?
Understanding assertive communication
People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. For many people, communication style becomes such an ingrained habit that they're not even aware of how they're communicating. And they tend to stick to the same style even when it's ineffective or harmful.
In the majority of situations, being assertive is most effective. Assertive communication revolves around mutual respect — giving and getting respect. Assertiveness shows self-respect because it means that you stand up for your personal rights, protect your self-interests and express your feelings, needs and ideas in a way that is honest and direct.
It's not just what you say — your message — but how you say it that's important. If you communicate in a way that's passive or aggressive, the content of your message may be completely lost because the people you are communicating with are too busy reacting to your delivery. Assertive communication gives you the best chance to deliver your message successfully.
Assertive vs. passive behavior
Passive communication shows a lack of respect for your own rights. It gives others the opportunity to disregard your wants and needs. For instance, you say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project while he or she goes on vacation, even though you're already behind and this means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Or you routinely say something such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." The message you communicate is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of others.
You may tell yourself that behaving passively simply keeps the peace and prevents conflicts. But what it really does is get in the way of authentic relationships. And worse, it may cause you a lot of internal conflict because your needs and your family's needs come second. This internal conflict may lead to:
*Stress
*Health issues such as high blood pressure
*Seething anger
*Feelings of victimization
*Passive-aggressive behavior
*Secret desires to exact revenge
Assertive vs. aggressive behavior
Aggression is assertiveness gone bad. Aggressive people disregard the needs, feelings and opinions of others. They may feel or act self-righteous or superior. They may bully others, humiliate them, degrade them or even act physically threatening.
Aggression doesn't foster mutual respect. Instead, it indicates a desire for power and domination — winning at the other person's expense. Someone who's aggressive may get too close to you, point his or her finger at you, yell, shove you, and tell you that your opinion doesn't matter.
The benefits of being assertive
Assertive behavior is useful on a daily basis in a variety of situations, including at home, at work, running errands and virtually any place where you interact with other people.
Being assertive offers many powerful benefits. It moves you from being a passive player in your own life to directing and controlling your life. When you're passive, you allow others to violate your rights — to walk all over you, as the saying goes.
In contrast, behaving assertively can help you:
*Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
*Understand and recognize your feelings
*Earn respect from others
*Improve communication
*Create win-win situations
*Improve your decision-making skills
*Create honest relationships
*Gain more job satisfaction
Some research studies suggest that being assertive also can help people cope better with many mental health problems, including depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia.
Learning to be more assertive
Some people appear naturally assertive. But if you tend to be more passive, you can learn assertiveness skills with a little practice. And if you tend to be aggressive, you can learn how to tone down your communication style.
Here are some steps in assertiveness training you can try on your own:
*Honestly assess your communication style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional chores or tasks even when your plate is already full? Do others consider you to act on the aggressive or passive side? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do others seem to dread or fear talking to you?
*Use assertive language. Use "I" statements so that others know what you're thinking and you don't sound accusatory or blaming. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." Don't beat around the bush — be direct. If you have a hard time turning down requests, simply say, "No, I can't do that now." Give a brief explanation, if appropriate.
*Rehearse what you want to say. If you have a particular issue in mind, focus on that. Otherwise, rehearse typical scenarios you encounter. For instance, if you want to ask for a raise, practice what you want to say. It may help to write a script. Say it out loud. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.
*Remember your body language. Assertive communication isn't just verbal. It also involves body language. Act as if you're confident even if you aren't. Keep an upright posture but lean forward a bit. Hold eye contact. Respect the other person's personal space — don't get too close. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice in front of a mirror.
*Keep your emotions in check. You may be full of pent-up anger and frustration. Some people may cry when faced with conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then, remain calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
*Start with small wins. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, you may want to try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach, if necessary.
When you need extra help being assertive
Remember, being assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. On the flip side, if you're driven to aggressive communication because of anger issues, you can learn anger management tips to help cool down.
But if you do rehearse and aim for small wins yet still don't seem to achieve your goals, consider formal assertiveness training. And if you simply feel too overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or angry to cope on your own, consider talking to a mental health provider. Working on these skills with a professional can be both fun and empowering.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Stress Management
Everyone experiences stress from time to time, so it is perfectly normal. However, normal doesn't necessarily mean healthy. Nor is it inevitable! Believe it or not, you can learn how to largely eliminate stress. I don't mean eliminate the pressures in your life - those will probably persist. The way I think of it, pressure is what is happening to you, but stress is how you react to those pressures. So, you can keep the pressure and get rid of the stress.
A good example of this comes from the study of stress in executives. Several studies have shown that low and middle level executives show many stress symptoms, like ulcers, high blood pressure, tension, burnout and so on. Top executives, however, as a group show much fewer stress signs. There are exceptions in both directions, of course. Why do big wigs show fewer signs of stress? There may be many reasons, like more control over their lives, but it is hard to believe they don't have pressures. So why don't they get as stressed out? Probably the main reason is that they are either naturally stress resistant or have learned how to handle the pressure without letting it eat them up. It's like the old saying, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen".
Fortunately, stress management is largely a learnable skill. Most people can learn how to take the heat in their lives. Before we talk about how, let's consider what stress is in more detail. The way I think of it, stress is a "false alarm". What I mean is that it is the erroneous activation of the "danger alarm" system of the brain. I visualize it as a big red fire alarm inside the head. This is a system we are all born with and it is a good thing to have. However, the biological purpose of this system is to help prepare us for dealing with real, physical danger. When the danger alarm is turned on, it produces a physiological response called the "fight or flight" reaction, which helps us to fight the danger or flee it.
When you are in real, immediate physical danger, it is appropriate to feel afraid. Getting your body charged up with adrenaline may well help to keep you alive. However, most of the time when we feel stressed, there is no immediate danger, so it is a false alarm. The fire alarm is sounding, but there is no fire!
So how do you learn how to manage stress? There are basically two main ways:
*Learn how to turn off the alarm system through various relaxation methods.
*Learn how to not turn it on inadvertently in the first place.
Relaxation methods work on the idea that you can't be relaxed and uptight at the same time. Basically, anything you do that is the opposite of what the danger alarm system does will tend to shut it off. Some examples include:
Deep breathing - taking deep, slow breaths rather than the shallow, fast breathing we feel when we are stressed. This really works physiologically to help shut off the danger alarm.
Muscular relaxation - tensing and relaxing various muscle groups can work wonders. Try your neck and shoulders, your shoulder blades, your forehead and eyes, tensing these groups for a few seconds, then relaxing them. You can also combine this with deep breathing by inhaling while you tense, then exhaling when you relax the muscles. There are more sophisticated versions of these muscular methods, like the shower of relaxation and progressive relaxation.
Visualization - imagine a very peaceful scene, like laying on the beach, out in a fishing boat on a lake, in a mountain cabin or whatever. It can be a real place or you can make it up. Try to invoke all your senses as you imagine being in this very peaceful, relaxing place. What do you see? What sounds are there? What sensations of touch, temperature or smell? For example, you might imagine the sun on your skin, the cool breeze on your forehead, the salt tang of the ocean, the grit of the sand.
Try all these methods and see which works better for you. Some people do better with muscular methods, others with visualization. All these can be learned quite readily and often work very well.
In the long run, however, it is better to learn how to avoid getting stressed out in the first place. So how do you do that? Well, the clue is in the visualization method. Thinking peaceful thoughts makes you feel relaxed. In imagining a peaceful place, you have also distracted yourself from whatever thoughts you were having before. This points out the basic premise of cognitive/behavioral psychology, that our feelings and behaviors are largely caused by our own thoughts. This is oversimplified, because there are many feedback loops that make the connection between thoughts, feelings and behaviors sort of like a chicken and egg problem. But the simple version of the cognitive theory is that peaceful thoughts cause relaxation and stressful thoughts cause stress.
In other words, the reason we get stressed out is not what is happening to us and not what happened in the past (at least not directly), but rather, how we are thinking about what is happening. Past experience does influence us strongly, but the medium of that influence is beliefs or thoughts. For example, if you were abused as a child, you might have developed the belief that you are worthless. It is this belief today that is making you feel depressed, not the fact of the abuse itself. This is a really neat, powerful idea because it means we can overcome the bad experiences of the past. It means we have power over ourselves, so we don't have to be victims of the past or of present circumstances!
The best way to manage stress is to learn to change anxiety to concern. Concern means you are motivated to take care of real problems in your life, but your danger alarm system is not erroneously activated. Changing your feelings is largely a matter of learning to identify and change the upsetting thoughts that are the immediate and proximate cause of upset emotions.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.cyberpsych.com/stress.html
A good example of this comes from the study of stress in executives. Several studies have shown that low and middle level executives show many stress symptoms, like ulcers, high blood pressure, tension, burnout and so on. Top executives, however, as a group show much fewer stress signs. There are exceptions in both directions, of course. Why do big wigs show fewer signs of stress? There may be many reasons, like more control over their lives, but it is hard to believe they don't have pressures. So why don't they get as stressed out? Probably the main reason is that they are either naturally stress resistant or have learned how to handle the pressure without letting it eat them up. It's like the old saying, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen".
Fortunately, stress management is largely a learnable skill. Most people can learn how to take the heat in their lives. Before we talk about how, let's consider what stress is in more detail. The way I think of it, stress is a "false alarm". What I mean is that it is the erroneous activation of the "danger alarm" system of the brain. I visualize it as a big red fire alarm inside the head. This is a system we are all born with and it is a good thing to have. However, the biological purpose of this system is to help prepare us for dealing with real, physical danger. When the danger alarm is turned on, it produces a physiological response called the "fight or flight" reaction, which helps us to fight the danger or flee it.
When you are in real, immediate physical danger, it is appropriate to feel afraid. Getting your body charged up with adrenaline may well help to keep you alive. However, most of the time when we feel stressed, there is no immediate danger, so it is a false alarm. The fire alarm is sounding, but there is no fire!
So how do you learn how to manage stress? There are basically two main ways:
*Learn how to turn off the alarm system through various relaxation methods.
*Learn how to not turn it on inadvertently in the first place.
Relaxation methods work on the idea that you can't be relaxed and uptight at the same time. Basically, anything you do that is the opposite of what the danger alarm system does will tend to shut it off. Some examples include:
Deep breathing - taking deep, slow breaths rather than the shallow, fast breathing we feel when we are stressed. This really works physiologically to help shut off the danger alarm.
Muscular relaxation - tensing and relaxing various muscle groups can work wonders. Try your neck and shoulders, your shoulder blades, your forehead and eyes, tensing these groups for a few seconds, then relaxing them. You can also combine this with deep breathing by inhaling while you tense, then exhaling when you relax the muscles. There are more sophisticated versions of these muscular methods, like the shower of relaxation and progressive relaxation.
Visualization - imagine a very peaceful scene, like laying on the beach, out in a fishing boat on a lake, in a mountain cabin or whatever. It can be a real place or you can make it up. Try to invoke all your senses as you imagine being in this very peaceful, relaxing place. What do you see? What sounds are there? What sensations of touch, temperature or smell? For example, you might imagine the sun on your skin, the cool breeze on your forehead, the salt tang of the ocean, the grit of the sand.
Try all these methods and see which works better for you. Some people do better with muscular methods, others with visualization. All these can be learned quite readily and often work very well.
In the long run, however, it is better to learn how to avoid getting stressed out in the first place. So how do you do that? Well, the clue is in the visualization method. Thinking peaceful thoughts makes you feel relaxed. In imagining a peaceful place, you have also distracted yourself from whatever thoughts you were having before. This points out the basic premise of cognitive/behavioral psychology, that our feelings and behaviors are largely caused by our own thoughts. This is oversimplified, because there are many feedback loops that make the connection between thoughts, feelings and behaviors sort of like a chicken and egg problem. But the simple version of the cognitive theory is that peaceful thoughts cause relaxation and stressful thoughts cause stress.
In other words, the reason we get stressed out is not what is happening to us and not what happened in the past (at least not directly), but rather, how we are thinking about what is happening. Past experience does influence us strongly, but the medium of that influence is beliefs or thoughts. For example, if you were abused as a child, you might have developed the belief that you are worthless. It is this belief today that is making you feel depressed, not the fact of the abuse itself. This is a really neat, powerful idea because it means we can overcome the bad experiences of the past. It means we have power over ourselves, so we don't have to be victims of the past or of present circumstances!
The best way to manage stress is to learn to change anxiety to concern. Concern means you are motivated to take care of real problems in your life, but your danger alarm system is not erroneously activated. Changing your feelings is largely a matter of learning to identify and change the upsetting thoughts that are the immediate and proximate cause of upset emotions.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.cyberpsych.com/stress.html
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