Don't Be a Doormat!

WebMD Commentary from Oprah.com

Life coach Martha Beck says that every woman in the country is socialized to act like a doormat. It doesn't have to be that way! She says that there is a way to learn to say "No," and that even the biggest doormat can change her ways. Here's her advice to cure the disease to please.



Find time for yourself.
Schedule time away from your job, your partner and your children. Use this opportunity to tune in to what you want and need. Don't feel that you're being selfish; you have a responsibility to yourself to take care of your needs.

Buy time.
The next time you're asked to do something, don't answer right away. Say, "Let me think about it" or "I have to take care of something right now. I'll call you back and let you know." This will give you time to evaluate the situation and decide if it's something you truly want to do.

Practice saying "No."
For many women, saying "No" doesn't come naturally. But practice makes perfect, so start now! In choosing your responses, remember the K.I.S.S. principle: Keep It Short and Simple. You can try it in the mirror, or even walk around the house saying it. Get used to hearing yourself say the word, and then you'll be ready to use it with other people!

Finding yourself is not about what you add to your life, it's about what you take away. Once you have created your "Absolute Yes List," the top priorities in your life, it becomes easier to identify those things that you'll need to let go. Although it may feel uncomfortable to think about saying no, it's important to remember that each time you say yes to someone or something else, you say no to you and your priorities. If saying no is difficult (especially to family members), then make sure you speak to your partner for support before and after you decline a request.

As life coach Cheryl Richardson explains, your self-care is always a valid excuse to say no. Don't over-explain or defend your decision. Be graceful and honest. You might say something like: "I'm sorry, but it's just not possible for me to do that," or, "I'll have to decline but thank you anyway." As you practice saying no, it will get easier. Start now!

1. For one week, keep track of how many times you say yes to something that is not on your Absolute Yes List.

2. At the end of the week, tally up the number…surprised? Awareness is the first step to realigning your decisions and priorities.

3. Make a list of five things you'd like to say no to. Start by thinking about these questions.

Are You a Doormat?
Martha's put together a checklist for you to determine where you rank on the "doormat" scale. Do the following statements pertain to you? Answer true or false.

1.I lie about my feelings if the truth might upset someone.

2.I want people to sense it when I've hit my limit, without my having to say anything.

3.I go blank when asked what I want, like, or think.

4.My "to do" list includes things I don't have to do, and things I don't want to do.

5.I eat, cry, smoke, or drink when I'm angry.

6.I sometimes feel quite drained; I explode at my loved ones and then feel terrible about it.

7.I feel panicky about the thought of someone disliking or disapproving of me.

8.I feel virtuous when I override my own needs or wishes to please others.

9.I feel resentful while doing things for other people.

10.I complain about other people's needs and demands when they aren't present.

If you answered true to one of these statements, you need to work on that particular action and reaction.

If you answered true to four or more of these statements, you are definitely a "doormat." You need to work on saying "No"!



Originally published on June 13, 2002


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