Emotional Intelligence or commonly known as EQ is a relatively new field of psychology. Emotional intelligence means the ability for a person to access, influence and conclude our emotions and also the emotions of other people around us.
The term emotional intelligence was first made popular by Daniel Goldman with his book Emotional Intelligence and since then many researchers have began studies in this new field of psychology. Since then, we have understood a lot more about emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence can be broken into 4 separate entities namely
1. Empathy : the ability for a person to be able to perceive the emotions of others around him/her and acknowledge those feelings.
2. Relationships : the ability for a person to be able to handle negotiations and mediations.
3. Self Awareness : the ability for a person to understand his/her own feelings, know what they means and acknowledging these feelings.
4. Handle Emotions : the ability for a person to manage and handle their own personal feelings responsibly and accurately depending on the situation.
Since everyone of us handle each emotion differently under different situations, it is also the reason why researchers are finding it difficult to measure emotional intelligence accurately.
Over the years, there are certain rules in emotional intelligence that seems to apply to the majority of us though. And we can train ourselves to be better equip to handle these emotions when it comes. Training your emotions takes time and being self aware of them.
Unlike IQ where it is innate and some people are just born to be a genius. Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed. In fact, emotions were not even implanted on us when we were still a baby or in the mother's womb. It is through the interactions with our environment and the people that we developed these emotions.
Author: Ricky Lim
http://www.articlesbase.com/-articles/what-is-emotional-intelligence--79299.html
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Anger Control for Men
Life provides men with an endless supply of things to get angry about. There’s the sullen waitress who refuses to look in your direction while you wave desperately for the check. There’s the oaf who drifts across the road without ever using his blinker. There’s the dropped call, the tepid shower, the gum on the bottom of the shoe.
While it’s perfectly natural to get angry about any of these things, anger comes to some men more naturally than others. For the hot-tempered, the pettiest annoyance results in out-of-control anger. And some guys, despite the fact anger is listed among the deadly sins, genuinely like having a hot temper. It can be a source of pride and a badge of masculinity. Even if you’re not busting heads every weekend at a roadhouse, you might enjoy indulging your angry side. You might feel that anger helps you succeed and inspires respect.
But there’s a downside to the manful, short-fused Type A personality. “In researching people with this disposition, we found that anger and hostility may actually be lethal,” says Charles D. Spielberger, PhD, a distinguished research professor of psychology at the University of South Florida who’s been studying anger for 25 years. And he means lethal to the person who gets angry, not the one on the receiving end of the anger. The evidence that anger can detract from your health is mounting all the time. And of course, uncontrolled anger in men can leave your marriage and your career — not to mention your crockery — in pieces.
So what is this emotion that we all share but rarely think about? How do we know if our anger is out of control — and what is it doing to us?
Understanding anger
Is anger just an emotion? While we think of it that way, it’s really much more. “Anger is both psychological and physiological,” Spielberger tells WebMD. When you lose control of your anger during a traffic jam or at your son’s soccer game, your nervous system triggers a number of biological reactions:
Levels of hormones, like cortisol, increase.
Your breathing gets faster.
Your pulse gets faster.
Your blood pressure rises.
As you heat up, you begin to sweat.
Your pupils dilate.
You may notice sudden headaches.
Basically, your body is gearing up for intense physical activity. This is the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response. If we’re exposed to something stressful, our bodies get ready to do battle or run away.
Spielberger says that anger is common because it has an evolutionary advantage. “Anger isn’t just a human emotion,” he says. “Fear and rage are common to animals too. They developed over eons to help creatures fight and survive.”
Don’t have a coronary, dude! Health risks of uncontrolled anger
The problem is that, nowadays, your body’s full-blooded physical response to anger isn’t always so useful. It might have come in handy when our ancestors were trying to club a cave bear to death. But it really doesn’t help much when you’re standing in a line at the DMV.
In fact, uncontrolled anger is worse than useless: It’s bad for you. Several studies have found a link between anger and disease. For instance, a large study of almost 13,000 people found that those who had high levels of anger — but normal blood pressure — were more likely to develop coronary artery disease or have a heart attack. The angriest were three times as likely to have a heart attack as the least angry.
So how does anger turn into disease? Your body’s physical reaction to anger is intended for the short-term — it gives you the immediate boost you need to survive. But if this explosion of hormones is triggered too often, you can suffer long-term effects. Anger’s stress hormones may contribute to arteriosclerosis, the build-up of plaques in the arteries that can cause heart attacks and strokes. These hormones may also increase levels of C-reactive protein (CRP), which causes inflammation and may also contribute to cardiovascular risk. One 2004 study in Psychosomatic Medicine found that people prone to anger had levels of CRP twice or three times as high as others. Anger can even cause electrical disturbances in the heart rhythm.
Anger has also been linked with depression. People who report being frequently angry are less likely to take care of themselves. They’re more likely to smoke, drink to excess, and eat badly, and they’re less likely to exercise. While it’s hard to say that in these cases anger is the cause, it’s certainly linked with a lot of unhealthy behaviors. Anger can also be an expression of feelings of helplessness or depression.
Controlling your anger
But Spielberger doesn’t want anger to be demonized. It’s not evil. “Anger is a natural, human emotion,” Spielberger says. “There’s nothing abnormal about it.”
He points out that when it’s correctly channeled, anger can be constructive. It can drive people to speak out and solve problems. It’s the impulse behind much great literature and music. The white hot anger of the righteous has often been a powerful, positive force in our world. But the problem is that for every man who uses his anger constructively, there are a dozen brawling knuckleheads who waste their lives making appearances in the local paper’s police blotter.
Since anger is natural, what are we supposed to do with it?
Spielberger says that there are two wrong things to do with it. One is to think that it’s healthy and normal to have uncontrolled anger released in an explosive rage. Some guys just assume that screaming at people, throwing things, and punching walls is cathartic and will make them feel better. In fact, getting into a rage can just ramp up your reaction — making you even less in control of your anger.
Here’s the other wrong thing: to push down the bile and keep smiling. Some men think that any expression of anger is unhealthy or antisocial and should be suppressed.
Studies show that both approaches — noisily expressing your anger or soundlessly burying it — are equally harmful and may pose the same health risks, Spielberger says. But if neither corking up your anger nor blowing your stack is a healthy option, what’s an angry man to do?
There is another option. Let anger out, but control it, Spielberger says. The first step is to become self-aware. Don't let yourself fly into a rage. Instead, be conscious of your anger. It’s the only way to figure out exactly what is making you angry.
Once you can identify the real problem, you can try to solve it rationally instead of getting pointlessly furious. If you’re angry with someone, talk about it in an assertive — but not aggressive — way. If a certain situation predictably sparks uncontrolled anger, learn how to prepare for it. Better yet, learn how to avoid the situation altogether in the future, if possible. The advantage to channeling your anger in this way is that you get a concrete benefit: You’re actually trying to deal with the problem rather than just yelling about it, and you’re more likely to get the result you desire.
Chill out, man: Tips for cooling down
Since feeling angry is in part a physical process, you won’t be able to just talk yourself out of it logically. Instead, you need to calm yourself down physically. With these techniques, you can lower your heart rate and blood pressure as well as control your anger.
Take a deep breath. Breathe in and out deeply from your diaphragm, which is under your chest bone. After a minute or so, you should feel some tension ebb away. The advantage to breathing exercises is that you can do them anywhere, says Spielberger. Once you’re good at them, you can even do them in the middle of a marital spat or a staff meeting.
Take a break. If you feel your anger getting out of control, get a change of scenery. If possible, leave the room or go for a walk.
Focus on something else. Count to 10. Try imagining yourself in a calm place. Or repeat a soothing word to yourself.
Get some exercise. Building physical activity into your schedule can be a great stress reliever.
More serious problems with anger need to be treated. Yeah, the phrase “anger management” can sound pretty feeble and goofy. It’s often seen (and used) as a punishment, a humiliation to be endured — like doing community service picking up litter on the freeway — rather than anything you’d ever want to seek out on your own.
But if you think uncontrolled anger is interfering with your life, get help before it’s court mandated. Learn how to turn your rage into something useful. Because taming your uncontrolled anger won’t only benefit the people around you — it will make your life better and healthier too.
Like any other human emotion, it’s how you use — not abuse — anger that matters.
By R. Morgan Griffin
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD
Reviewed on July 01, 2007
© 2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
While it’s perfectly natural to get angry about any of these things, anger comes to some men more naturally than others. For the hot-tempered, the pettiest annoyance results in out-of-control anger. And some guys, despite the fact anger is listed among the deadly sins, genuinely like having a hot temper. It can be a source of pride and a badge of masculinity. Even if you’re not busting heads every weekend at a roadhouse, you might enjoy indulging your angry side. You might feel that anger helps you succeed and inspires respect.
But there’s a downside to the manful, short-fused Type A personality. “In researching people with this disposition, we found that anger and hostility may actually be lethal,” says Charles D. Spielberger, PhD, a distinguished research professor of psychology at the University of South Florida who’s been studying anger for 25 years. And he means lethal to the person who gets angry, not the one on the receiving end of the anger. The evidence that anger can detract from your health is mounting all the time. And of course, uncontrolled anger in men can leave your marriage and your career — not to mention your crockery — in pieces.
So what is this emotion that we all share but rarely think about? How do we know if our anger is out of control — and what is it doing to us?
Understanding anger
Is anger just an emotion? While we think of it that way, it’s really much more. “Anger is both psychological and physiological,” Spielberger tells WebMD. When you lose control of your anger during a traffic jam or at your son’s soccer game, your nervous system triggers a number of biological reactions:
Levels of hormones, like cortisol, increase.
Your breathing gets faster.
Your pulse gets faster.
Your blood pressure rises.
As you heat up, you begin to sweat.
Your pupils dilate.
You may notice sudden headaches.
Basically, your body is gearing up for intense physical activity. This is the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response. If we’re exposed to something stressful, our bodies get ready to do battle or run away.
Spielberger says that anger is common because it has an evolutionary advantage. “Anger isn’t just a human emotion,” he says. “Fear and rage are common to animals too. They developed over eons to help creatures fight and survive.”
Don’t have a coronary, dude! Health risks of uncontrolled anger
The problem is that, nowadays, your body’s full-blooded physical response to anger isn’t always so useful. It might have come in handy when our ancestors were trying to club a cave bear to death. But it really doesn’t help much when you’re standing in a line at the DMV.
In fact, uncontrolled anger is worse than useless: It’s bad for you. Several studies have found a link between anger and disease. For instance, a large study of almost 13,000 people found that those who had high levels of anger — but normal blood pressure — were more likely to develop coronary artery disease or have a heart attack. The angriest were three times as likely to have a heart attack as the least angry.
So how does anger turn into disease? Your body’s physical reaction to anger is intended for the short-term — it gives you the immediate boost you need to survive. But if this explosion of hormones is triggered too often, you can suffer long-term effects. Anger’s stress hormones may contribute to arteriosclerosis, the build-up of plaques in the arteries that can cause heart attacks and strokes. These hormones may also increase levels of C-reactive protein (CRP), which causes inflammation and may also contribute to cardiovascular risk. One 2004 study in Psychosomatic Medicine found that people prone to anger had levels of CRP twice or three times as high as others. Anger can even cause electrical disturbances in the heart rhythm.
Anger has also been linked with depression. People who report being frequently angry are less likely to take care of themselves. They’re more likely to smoke, drink to excess, and eat badly, and they’re less likely to exercise. While it’s hard to say that in these cases anger is the cause, it’s certainly linked with a lot of unhealthy behaviors. Anger can also be an expression of feelings of helplessness or depression.
Controlling your anger
But Spielberger doesn’t want anger to be demonized. It’s not evil. “Anger is a natural, human emotion,” Spielberger says. “There’s nothing abnormal about it.”
He points out that when it’s correctly channeled, anger can be constructive. It can drive people to speak out and solve problems. It’s the impulse behind much great literature and music. The white hot anger of the righteous has often been a powerful, positive force in our world. But the problem is that for every man who uses his anger constructively, there are a dozen brawling knuckleheads who waste their lives making appearances in the local paper’s police blotter.
Since anger is natural, what are we supposed to do with it?
Spielberger says that there are two wrong things to do with it. One is to think that it’s healthy and normal to have uncontrolled anger released in an explosive rage. Some guys just assume that screaming at people, throwing things, and punching walls is cathartic and will make them feel better. In fact, getting into a rage can just ramp up your reaction — making you even less in control of your anger.
Here’s the other wrong thing: to push down the bile and keep smiling. Some men think that any expression of anger is unhealthy or antisocial and should be suppressed.
Studies show that both approaches — noisily expressing your anger or soundlessly burying it — are equally harmful and may pose the same health risks, Spielberger says. But if neither corking up your anger nor blowing your stack is a healthy option, what’s an angry man to do?
There is another option. Let anger out, but control it, Spielberger says. The first step is to become self-aware. Don't let yourself fly into a rage. Instead, be conscious of your anger. It’s the only way to figure out exactly what is making you angry.
Once you can identify the real problem, you can try to solve it rationally instead of getting pointlessly furious. If you’re angry with someone, talk about it in an assertive — but not aggressive — way. If a certain situation predictably sparks uncontrolled anger, learn how to prepare for it. Better yet, learn how to avoid the situation altogether in the future, if possible. The advantage to channeling your anger in this way is that you get a concrete benefit: You’re actually trying to deal with the problem rather than just yelling about it, and you’re more likely to get the result you desire.
Chill out, man: Tips for cooling down
Since feeling angry is in part a physical process, you won’t be able to just talk yourself out of it logically. Instead, you need to calm yourself down physically. With these techniques, you can lower your heart rate and blood pressure as well as control your anger.
Take a deep breath. Breathe in and out deeply from your diaphragm, which is under your chest bone. After a minute or so, you should feel some tension ebb away. The advantage to breathing exercises is that you can do them anywhere, says Spielberger. Once you’re good at them, you can even do them in the middle of a marital spat or a staff meeting.
Take a break. If you feel your anger getting out of control, get a change of scenery. If possible, leave the room or go for a walk.
Focus on something else. Count to 10. Try imagining yourself in a calm place. Or repeat a soothing word to yourself.
Get some exercise. Building physical activity into your schedule can be a great stress reliever.
More serious problems with anger need to be treated. Yeah, the phrase “anger management” can sound pretty feeble and goofy. It’s often seen (and used) as a punishment, a humiliation to be endured — like doing community service picking up litter on the freeway — rather than anything you’d ever want to seek out on your own.
But if you think uncontrolled anger is interfering with your life, get help before it’s court mandated. Learn how to turn your rage into something useful. Because taming your uncontrolled anger won’t only benefit the people around you — it will make your life better and healthier too.
Like any other human emotion, it’s how you use — not abuse — anger that matters.
By R. Morgan Griffin
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD
Reviewed on July 01, 2007
© 2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Friday, December 14, 2007
8 Reasons To Slooow Down
Winding down the pace of your life just a tad can make you happier and healthier. Here's how!
The Hurried Woman Syndrome. The good news: If you can learn to rush just a little bit less, studies show that you'll lower your risk for high blood pressure, have better relationships, and live longer. And no, you don't have to overhaul your schedule. "Slowing down just a few moments a day can be beneficial to your health," says Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., coauthor of Stress Free for Good. Below, the sweet rewards of downshifting — and simple ways to take it slow.
1. Slow down to lose weight.
One surprising source of stubborn extra pounds: eating on the fly. Gobbling your food doesn't give your stomach the 20 minutes it needs to signal your brain that it's full, making it easy to unknowingly cram in more calories than you need. What's more, postponing lunch or dinner to finish that one last thing slows calorie burn, according to a British study: If your body can't predict the timing of its next meal, it's more likely to store calories as fat as protection against starvation.
How to take it slow: Instead of wolfing down a meal mindlessly while you're watching TV or catching up on e-mail, turn off the technology and really chew each mouthful mindfully, paying close attention to the flavors and textures, suggests Elizabeth Somer, R.D., author of 10 Habits That Mess Up a Woman's Diet. You'll learn to appreciate that eating is feeding your body and spirit. "And when you don't eat on autopilot, you naturally eat a little less," says Somer. Think about it: If you realize you're full before taking those final few bites and drop your fork, you may cut out as many as 100 calories a day — which is all it takes to drop 10 pounds in a year. So give yourself at least 20 minutes to enjoy a meal.
2. Slow down to be a better mom.
It's not easy to truly connect with your kids when there are toys to pick up, meals to prepare, and endless other chores to get done around the house. But the less time you spend doing things with your children when they're young, the greater the odds that you'll run into family conflict — quarreling frequently about curfews, smoking, alcohol use — when they hit adolescence, according to a study from the Netherlands.
How to take it slow: You don't necessarily need more time with your kids; you simply need to use the time you do have a little differently — namely, by focusing your full attention on the little moments. For instance, instead of assembling lunchboxes at the kitchen counter while your children eat breakfast, sit at the table with them and chat for a few minutes while sipping your coffee. Or stop folding laundry for five minutes and help build a Lego castle. These short bursts of shared do-nothing time really count: They let children know they're valued and loved and keep you in touch with the fulfilling joys of motherhood — plus, they pave the way for better communication when your kids hit their turbulent teens.
3. Slow down to make your sex life sizzle.
Chronic hurrying can raise levels of stress hormones that suppress your body's production of dopamine, a "feel-good" brain chemical that plays a key role in regulating your libido, according to Bost. As a result, you may find most nights that you're far more interested in snoozing than in sex. Needless to say, skipping the foreplay just so you can get to sleep sooner can also make for a pretty ho-hum sex life.
How to take it slow: The key to nudging your desire back to normal is simple: Before burrowing down into your pillow, take one minute to touch your husband's hand, look into his eyes, and say something, whether it's "How was your day?" or "I love you." Communicating with each other at the end of a busy day enhances intimacy, says Bost — and the closer you feel to him emotionally, the more you'll want him physically.
4. Slow down for a healthier heart.
If you fume in the face of any sort of delay, you may be putting your happiness and your heart health at risk. Those who hate to wait have an almost 50 percent higher risk of developing high blood pressure in the next 15 years compared with those who know how to Zen it, according to a Northwestern University study.
How to take it slow: The next time you feel yourself freaking out because the woman in front of you at the post office is taking ages to choose her stamps, say something calming to yourself, such as, In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if my errand takes an extra two minutes. "When you think positive thoughts, your body and mind quickly relax," notes Luskin. Keep your cool by distracting yourself and tuning into your senses. Pay close attention to how beautiful someone looks (that baby being cradled nearby or a woman having a great hair day) or how pleasing the texture or color of some object is. Take a minute to just be in the moment rather than feeling like your life is on hold.
5. Slow down to boost your energy.
Living at a frenetic tempo leads you to breathe in shallow, stressed gulps, depriving your brain and body of sufficient oxygen, a key source of energy. The result: constant exhaustion and anxiety, says Luskin.
How to take it slow: Count to four while inhaling through your nose, then count backward from four to one while exhaling through your mouth. Pay attention to your belly — it should rise as you breathe in and fall as you slowly breathe out. Practice this every day, whenever you can remember (at your desk, in the shower — or in that line at the post office). It can help improve oxygen intake, lower your blood pressure, and amp up your energy level.
6. Slow down to get ahead at work.
Hurrying to finish projects at work, scheduling back-to-back meetings, and constant multitasking not only kill employees' creativity but also reduce their productivity, according to studies published in the Harvard Business Review. So much fast-moving activity allows no time for reflection (the source of creative solutions) and increases the odds that your work will be sloppy or that you'll make mistakes.
How to take it slow: Swap frenzied activity for focused action: Ask yourself, What should I do first? to determine which project is most important, then tackle it — and fight the tendency to jump back and forth between it and other to-do's. "Keep your eyes on the goal and you'll be able to give each task the time and attention required," says Jan Jasper, a productivity consultant in New York City. As an added perk, you'll have a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of the day and probably feel a whole lot calmer, too. You'll finish one or two tasks completely, rather than get four or five things partially done — which only leaves unfinished business hanging over your head.
7. Slow down for better fitness.
More and faster crunches and biceps curls aren't the key to greater strength, endurance, or calorie burning, according to a Journal of Sports Medicine study. In fact, women who did resistance-training two to three times per week using a superslow protocol (10 seconds lifting, four seconds lowering) had a 50 percent greater increase in strength after eight weeks compared with those who pumped iron at the normal, faster pace (two seconds up, four seconds down).
How to take it slow: Try the superslow protocol described above for strength. And if you're trying to increase your distance on the treadmill, slow your pace by about one minute per mile — you'll find you can easily add half a mile. Then, over time, gradually ratchet the tempo back up for the entire run.
Remember, too, that slower activities can burn serious calories. For example, those who practiced yoga regularly for four years were 80 percent more likely to maintain their weight and almost 400 percent more likely to lose pounds than those who didn't do yoga, according to a recent study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle. Yoga is also calming and helps you live more mindfully even when you're not practicing, which makes it easier to recognize when you start slipping into overdrive throughout the day.
8. Slow down to travel safely.
The leading cause of death in women under age 35 is accidents, mainly car accidents. And one third of all fatal crashes are due to speeding. In fact, driving over 69 mph more than doubles your risk of a fatal car accident, according to a recent Canadian study.
How to take it slow: Easing off the gas pedal is the obvious first step. But how do you fight the urge to stay in the fast lane? Practice the mindful breathing technique described in the "Slow Down to Boost Your Energy" section above. Surf your radio for relaxing tunes. And remember this: If you continue to push the envelope by driving 15 mph over the speed limit, you may get pulled over for speeding, which means you'll end up being late and probably paying a hefty fine — not to mention potentially thousands of dollars in higher car insurance premiums. Just force yourself to get in the car 10 to 15 minutes earlier instead — your health is worth it.
Fast Enough for You?
Here's a snapshot of how hyper our culture has become:
The average workweek is 47 hours — up from 34 hours two decades ago.
There's no time for home-cooked meals: Children consumed 300 percent more food from fast food restaurants in 1996 than in 1977. Not surprisingly, one-third fewer families report regularly eating together today compared with three decades ago.
Most of us get 90 minutes less shut-eye per night than our great-grandparents did.
Almost 28 percent fewer families take vacations now than two decades ago.
55 mph was the national speed limit from 1973 to 1995; now, it's 65 mph to 75 mph in most states.
Take Back Your Time!
Sometimes it seems like enjoying a little time off is taboo in our country: Only 14 percent of Americans will take two or more weeks of vacation this year, and the United States is currently the only industrial nation without a law to protect its citizens' vacation times. But these workaholic ways are taking a toll on our well-being. "Americans are burned out. We have no time to rest and recuperate — and it's not healthy," says Lisa Stuebing, executive director of Take Back Your Time, an ongoing major U.S./Canadian initiative to combat the epidemic of overwork and overscheduling in North America. Research shows that people need at least two weeks' worth of vacation time to recover from the burnout that can lead to chronic stress. The Take Back Your Time campaign aims to guarantee those two weeks for all American workers with The Leave Protection, Family Bonding, and Personal Restoration Act, a bill that calls for a minimum of three weeks paid vacation. For more information, visit timeday.org.
8 Ways to Rev Down
Finding and creating moments for rest and reflection throughout your day is easier than you think.
Write in a journal. Letting your worries, thoughts, and dreams flow from your mind onto paper allows you to express your feelings rather than bottle them up, a habit that can lead to stress.
8 Ways to Rev Down continued...
Take the scenic route. The end of the day usually means the beginning of a hectic evening of household chores, dog walking, and getting the kids fed, bathed, and into bed. Rather than jumping directly from the frying pan into the fire, allow yourself some downtime during this transition: Skip your normal bumper-to-bumper highway commute and enjoy the slow and winding tree-lined back roads, or park your car and take a short walk around your neighborhood before you head home.
Nap. Indulging in a 30-minute midday snooze (at the park, in your car, or on the couch) gives your body and mind a cozy break and provides a natural boost in energy and brainpower.
Shower like you mean it. Sure, that morning shower is generally a blur of groggy, grumpy sudsing and rinsing. But it may also be one of the few opportunities in your entire day for a blissful, solitary moment. So spend an extra 10 seconds letting the warm water wash over you, break out the yummy-scented soap you've been saving (for what?), or try that new loofah.
Eat breakfast. Lack of time is the number one excuse women give for skipping breakfast. But taking just 10 minutes to nourish your body in the morning can prepare you, physically and mentally, for the day ahead. You'll handle whatever comes up with calm.
Floss. Nearly half of all Americans still don't floss daily, according to a recent survey — bad news since flossing has been linked with reduced risk of diabetes and heart disease. Plus, that two minutes of time provides an opportunity to think about the positive happenings of your day, prepping your brain for sound, restorative sleep.
Chop, chop! The repetitive motions of certain to-do's can be surprisingly meditative when you engage all of your senses. While you're chopping vegetables for dinner, tune in to the sound of the knife against the cutting board; soak up the colors of the veggies as the slices fall away; and smell the delicious food you're about to enjoy.
Talk to your guy. "Hi, honey, I'm leaving now. Can you pick up some bread on your way home, and I'll get the kids into the bath?" Sound familiar? The daily divide-and-conquer phone call with your guy doesn't have to be all business. Take a moment to ask how his day went, tell him about yours, or just say, "I love you."
Originally published on September 26, 2007
©2005-2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
WebMD Feature from "Redbook" Magazine
By Janis GrahamSourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
The Hurried Woman Syndrome. The good news: If you can learn to rush just a little bit less, studies show that you'll lower your risk for high blood pressure, have better relationships, and live longer. And no, you don't have to overhaul your schedule. "Slowing down just a few moments a day can be beneficial to your health," says Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., coauthor of Stress Free for Good. Below, the sweet rewards of downshifting — and simple ways to take it slow.
1. Slow down to lose weight.
One surprising source of stubborn extra pounds: eating on the fly. Gobbling your food doesn't give your stomach the 20 minutes it needs to signal your brain that it's full, making it easy to unknowingly cram in more calories than you need. What's more, postponing lunch or dinner to finish that one last thing slows calorie burn, according to a British study: If your body can't predict the timing of its next meal, it's more likely to store calories as fat as protection against starvation.
How to take it slow: Instead of wolfing down a meal mindlessly while you're watching TV or catching up on e-mail, turn off the technology and really chew each mouthful mindfully, paying close attention to the flavors and textures, suggests Elizabeth Somer, R.D., author of 10 Habits That Mess Up a Woman's Diet. You'll learn to appreciate that eating is feeding your body and spirit. "And when you don't eat on autopilot, you naturally eat a little less," says Somer. Think about it: If you realize you're full before taking those final few bites and drop your fork, you may cut out as many as 100 calories a day — which is all it takes to drop 10 pounds in a year. So give yourself at least 20 minutes to enjoy a meal.
2. Slow down to be a better mom.
It's not easy to truly connect with your kids when there are toys to pick up, meals to prepare, and endless other chores to get done around the house. But the less time you spend doing things with your children when they're young, the greater the odds that you'll run into family conflict — quarreling frequently about curfews, smoking, alcohol use — when they hit adolescence, according to a study from the Netherlands.
How to take it slow: You don't necessarily need more time with your kids; you simply need to use the time you do have a little differently — namely, by focusing your full attention on the little moments. For instance, instead of assembling lunchboxes at the kitchen counter while your children eat breakfast, sit at the table with them and chat for a few minutes while sipping your coffee. Or stop folding laundry for five minutes and help build a Lego castle. These short bursts of shared do-nothing time really count: They let children know they're valued and loved and keep you in touch with the fulfilling joys of motherhood — plus, they pave the way for better communication when your kids hit their turbulent teens.
3. Slow down to make your sex life sizzle.
Chronic hurrying can raise levels of stress hormones that suppress your body's production of dopamine, a "feel-good" brain chemical that plays a key role in regulating your libido, according to Bost. As a result, you may find most nights that you're far more interested in snoozing than in sex. Needless to say, skipping the foreplay just so you can get to sleep sooner can also make for a pretty ho-hum sex life.
How to take it slow: The key to nudging your desire back to normal is simple: Before burrowing down into your pillow, take one minute to touch your husband's hand, look into his eyes, and say something, whether it's "How was your day?" or "I love you." Communicating with each other at the end of a busy day enhances intimacy, says Bost — and the closer you feel to him emotionally, the more you'll want him physically.
4. Slow down for a healthier heart.
If you fume in the face of any sort of delay, you may be putting your happiness and your heart health at risk. Those who hate to wait have an almost 50 percent higher risk of developing high blood pressure in the next 15 years compared with those who know how to Zen it, according to a Northwestern University study.
How to take it slow: The next time you feel yourself freaking out because the woman in front of you at the post office is taking ages to choose her stamps, say something calming to yourself, such as, In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if my errand takes an extra two minutes. "When you think positive thoughts, your body and mind quickly relax," notes Luskin. Keep your cool by distracting yourself and tuning into your senses. Pay close attention to how beautiful someone looks (that baby being cradled nearby or a woman having a great hair day) or how pleasing the texture or color of some object is. Take a minute to just be in the moment rather than feeling like your life is on hold.
5. Slow down to boost your energy.
Living at a frenetic tempo leads you to breathe in shallow, stressed gulps, depriving your brain and body of sufficient oxygen, a key source of energy. The result: constant exhaustion and anxiety, says Luskin.
How to take it slow: Count to four while inhaling through your nose, then count backward from four to one while exhaling through your mouth. Pay attention to your belly — it should rise as you breathe in and fall as you slowly breathe out. Practice this every day, whenever you can remember (at your desk, in the shower — or in that line at the post office). It can help improve oxygen intake, lower your blood pressure, and amp up your energy level.
6. Slow down to get ahead at work.
Hurrying to finish projects at work, scheduling back-to-back meetings, and constant multitasking not only kill employees' creativity but also reduce their productivity, according to studies published in the Harvard Business Review. So much fast-moving activity allows no time for reflection (the source of creative solutions) and increases the odds that your work will be sloppy or that you'll make mistakes.
How to take it slow: Swap frenzied activity for focused action: Ask yourself, What should I do first? to determine which project is most important, then tackle it — and fight the tendency to jump back and forth between it and other to-do's. "Keep your eyes on the goal and you'll be able to give each task the time and attention required," says Jan Jasper, a productivity consultant in New York City. As an added perk, you'll have a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of the day and probably feel a whole lot calmer, too. You'll finish one or two tasks completely, rather than get four or five things partially done — which only leaves unfinished business hanging over your head.
7. Slow down for better fitness.
More and faster crunches and biceps curls aren't the key to greater strength, endurance, or calorie burning, according to a Journal of Sports Medicine study. In fact, women who did resistance-training two to three times per week using a superslow protocol (10 seconds lifting, four seconds lowering) had a 50 percent greater increase in strength after eight weeks compared with those who pumped iron at the normal, faster pace (two seconds up, four seconds down).
How to take it slow: Try the superslow protocol described above for strength. And if you're trying to increase your distance on the treadmill, slow your pace by about one minute per mile — you'll find you can easily add half a mile. Then, over time, gradually ratchet the tempo back up for the entire run.
Remember, too, that slower activities can burn serious calories. For example, those who practiced yoga regularly for four years were 80 percent more likely to maintain their weight and almost 400 percent more likely to lose pounds than those who didn't do yoga, according to a recent study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle. Yoga is also calming and helps you live more mindfully even when you're not practicing, which makes it easier to recognize when you start slipping into overdrive throughout the day.
8. Slow down to travel safely.
The leading cause of death in women under age 35 is accidents, mainly car accidents. And one third of all fatal crashes are due to speeding. In fact, driving over 69 mph more than doubles your risk of a fatal car accident, according to a recent Canadian study.
How to take it slow: Easing off the gas pedal is the obvious first step. But how do you fight the urge to stay in the fast lane? Practice the mindful breathing technique described in the "Slow Down to Boost Your Energy" section above. Surf your radio for relaxing tunes. And remember this: If you continue to push the envelope by driving 15 mph over the speed limit, you may get pulled over for speeding, which means you'll end up being late and probably paying a hefty fine — not to mention potentially thousands of dollars in higher car insurance premiums. Just force yourself to get in the car 10 to 15 minutes earlier instead — your health is worth it.
Fast Enough for You?
Here's a snapshot of how hyper our culture has become:
The average workweek is 47 hours — up from 34 hours two decades ago.
There's no time for home-cooked meals: Children consumed 300 percent more food from fast food restaurants in 1996 than in 1977. Not surprisingly, one-third fewer families report regularly eating together today compared with three decades ago.
Most of us get 90 minutes less shut-eye per night than our great-grandparents did.
Almost 28 percent fewer families take vacations now than two decades ago.
55 mph was the national speed limit from 1973 to 1995; now, it's 65 mph to 75 mph in most states.
Take Back Your Time!
Sometimes it seems like enjoying a little time off is taboo in our country: Only 14 percent of Americans will take two or more weeks of vacation this year, and the United States is currently the only industrial nation without a law to protect its citizens' vacation times. But these workaholic ways are taking a toll on our well-being. "Americans are burned out. We have no time to rest and recuperate — and it's not healthy," says Lisa Stuebing, executive director of Take Back Your Time, an ongoing major U.S./Canadian initiative to combat the epidemic of overwork and overscheduling in North America. Research shows that people need at least two weeks' worth of vacation time to recover from the burnout that can lead to chronic stress. The Take Back Your Time campaign aims to guarantee those two weeks for all American workers with The Leave Protection, Family Bonding, and Personal Restoration Act, a bill that calls for a minimum of three weeks paid vacation. For more information, visit timeday.org.
8 Ways to Rev Down
Finding and creating moments for rest and reflection throughout your day is easier than you think.
Write in a journal. Letting your worries, thoughts, and dreams flow from your mind onto paper allows you to express your feelings rather than bottle them up, a habit that can lead to stress.
8 Ways to Rev Down continued...
Take the scenic route. The end of the day usually means the beginning of a hectic evening of household chores, dog walking, and getting the kids fed, bathed, and into bed. Rather than jumping directly from the frying pan into the fire, allow yourself some downtime during this transition: Skip your normal bumper-to-bumper highway commute and enjoy the slow and winding tree-lined back roads, or park your car and take a short walk around your neighborhood before you head home.
Nap. Indulging in a 30-minute midday snooze (at the park, in your car, or on the couch) gives your body and mind a cozy break and provides a natural boost in energy and brainpower.
Shower like you mean it. Sure, that morning shower is generally a blur of groggy, grumpy sudsing and rinsing. But it may also be one of the few opportunities in your entire day for a blissful, solitary moment. So spend an extra 10 seconds letting the warm water wash over you, break out the yummy-scented soap you've been saving (for what?), or try that new loofah.
Eat breakfast. Lack of time is the number one excuse women give for skipping breakfast. But taking just 10 minutes to nourish your body in the morning can prepare you, physically and mentally, for the day ahead. You'll handle whatever comes up with calm.
Floss. Nearly half of all Americans still don't floss daily, according to a recent survey — bad news since flossing has been linked with reduced risk of diabetes and heart disease. Plus, that two minutes of time provides an opportunity to think about the positive happenings of your day, prepping your brain for sound, restorative sleep.
Chop, chop! The repetitive motions of certain to-do's can be surprisingly meditative when you engage all of your senses. While you're chopping vegetables for dinner, tune in to the sound of the knife against the cutting board; soak up the colors of the veggies as the slices fall away; and smell the delicious food you're about to enjoy.
Talk to your guy. "Hi, honey, I'm leaving now. Can you pick up some bread on your way home, and I'll get the kids into the bath?" Sound familiar? The daily divide-and-conquer phone call with your guy doesn't have to be all business. Take a moment to ask how his day went, tell him about yours, or just say, "I love you."
Originally published on September 26, 2007
©2005-2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
WebMD Feature from "Redbook" Magazine
By Janis GrahamSourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Genes And Stressed-out Parents Lead To Shy Kids
ScienceDaily (Mar. 5, 2007) — New research from the Child Development Laboratory at the University of Maryland shows that shyness in kids could relate to the manner in which a stress-related gene in children interacts with being raised by stressed-out parents.
In a study published in the February issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science, Nathan Fox, professor and director of the Child Development Laboratory, and his team found that kids who are consistently shy while growing up are particularly likely to be raised by stressed-out parents, and to possess a genetic variant associated with stress sensitivity.
This suggests that shyness relates to interactions between genes and the environment, as opposed to either genes or the environment acting alone. "Moms who report being stressed are likely to act differently toward their child than moms who report little stress," said Fox. "A mom under stress transfers that stress to the child. However, each child reacts to that stress somewhat differently. Our study found that genes play a role in this variability, such that those children who have a stress-sensitive variant of a serotonin-related gene are particularly likely to appear shy while growing up when they also are raised by mothers with high levels of stress.
"We don't understand how the environment directly affects the gene, but we know that the gene shows particularly strong relationships to behavior in certain environments."
Like all genes, the particular serotonin-related gene examined in this study has 2 alleles, which can be long or short. The protein produced by the short form of the gene is known to predispose towards some forms of stress sensitivity.
Fox's research found that among children exposed to a mother's stress, it was only those who also inherited the short forms of the gene who showed consistently shy behavior.
"If you have two short alleles of this serotonin gene, but your mom is not stressed, you will be no more shy than your peers as a school age child," says Fox. "But we found that when stress enters the picture, the gene starts to show a strong relationship to the child's behavior," says Fox. "If you are raised in a stressful environment, and you inherit the short form of the gene, there is a higher likelihood that you will be fearful, anxious or depressed."
Fox's group studies how genes and the family environment work together to shape the development of social competence in infants and young children. "We are particularly interested in very shy children. What keeps them shy and what may change them from being shy to not being shy anymore?
"We identify these children early in the first years of life, but it's not enough to identify a child with a certain disposition or gene. We want to understand how the environment works together with genes, what are the mechanisms that shape behavior."
Adapted from materials provided by Association for Psychological Science.
Copyright © 1995-2007 ScienceDaily LLC — All rights reserved
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
In a study published in the February issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science, Nathan Fox, professor and director of the Child Development Laboratory, and his team found that kids who are consistently shy while growing up are particularly likely to be raised by stressed-out parents, and to possess a genetic variant associated with stress sensitivity.
This suggests that shyness relates to interactions between genes and the environment, as opposed to either genes or the environment acting alone. "Moms who report being stressed are likely to act differently toward their child than moms who report little stress," said Fox. "A mom under stress transfers that stress to the child. However, each child reacts to that stress somewhat differently. Our study found that genes play a role in this variability, such that those children who have a stress-sensitive variant of a serotonin-related gene are particularly likely to appear shy while growing up when they also are raised by mothers with high levels of stress.
"We don't understand how the environment directly affects the gene, but we know that the gene shows particularly strong relationships to behavior in certain environments."
Like all genes, the particular serotonin-related gene examined in this study has 2 alleles, which can be long or short. The protein produced by the short form of the gene is known to predispose towards some forms of stress sensitivity.
Fox's research found that among children exposed to a mother's stress, it was only those who also inherited the short forms of the gene who showed consistently shy behavior.
"If you have two short alleles of this serotonin gene, but your mom is not stressed, you will be no more shy than your peers as a school age child," says Fox. "But we found that when stress enters the picture, the gene starts to show a strong relationship to the child's behavior," says Fox. "If you are raised in a stressful environment, and you inherit the short form of the gene, there is a higher likelihood that you will be fearful, anxious or depressed."
Fox's group studies how genes and the family environment work together to shape the development of social competence in infants and young children. "We are particularly interested in very shy children. What keeps them shy and what may change them from being shy to not being shy anymore?
"We identify these children early in the first years of life, but it's not enough to identify a child with a certain disposition or gene. We want to understand how the environment works together with genes, what are the mechanisms that shape behavior."
Adapted from materials provided by Association for Psychological Science.
Copyright © 1995-2007 ScienceDaily LLC — All rights reserved
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Are You Spouses or Just Roommates?
You've drifted into a sexless marriage. Can this relationship be saved? Yes, experts say.
There's no drama, no fighting. You've been together for years, raised kids and pets. The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. As months drift into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage.
Most married couples don't really know what to expect of a long-term relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. She is also director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.
"It's so normal to hit the doldrums. In a way, you should be smug about it," Solee tells WebMD. "You have a partner who is not bringing drama into your life. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut."
There's more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.
Schwartz is on the Health Advisory Board at WebMD, and author of several books including Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Signs you're in the marital doldrums: "You're leading parallel lives, and don't see each other anymore," she tells WebMD. "You tell everything important to your friends but not to each other. Those are really big problems, and you've got to tend to them."
A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless marriage, Schwartz adds. "If you're bitchy, if you treat each other with contempt, it's a warning sign. It may not happen all the time, but it happens often. It's because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped for."
In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains. "Those deeper feelings have to be dealt with. I'm not talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has to be a refocusing on the relationship... a renewal of what this marriage is supposed to be."
The Anatomy of Love
First step: Be realistic. If you're looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. And a new partner certainly isn't the solution. Three years later, you'll have the same sizzle-less marriage you have right now.
"The initial passion of any relationship changes after 18 months," says Sallie Foley, MSW, director of the Center for Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. She is the author of Modern Love and Sex and Love for Grownups.
"It moves from the romantic and exciting to an attachment kind of loving, fondness," Foley tells WebMD. "That gotta have it, gotta have it feeling is gone."
Take stock of what you want, she advises. If you want a sex life, then commit to making it happen, Foley says. "Not everyone wants a sex life as they head into last third of life. But AARP studies show that 65% remain sexually active."
The Anatomy of Love continued...
Put aside the romanticized, silver-screen notions of sex, Foley says. "The majority of people your age are having good-enough sex. Occasionally, they have sex that knocks it out of the ballpark. But they're having sex regularly. They're getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they're doing it on a regular basis."
You've also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse. "You have to give up fantasy notions that he or she is suddenly going to be 20 pounds lighter with no cellulite. You have to decide, 'This is what I want, how do I proceed,'" she advises.
Then, have "the talk" with your spouse. You have to be willing to say this to your partner: "We need to jazz up our sex life. We have fallen into some bad habits. I'm not going to settle for this level. We need to have sex, the same as we do other things that are important to us. We have to set aside time for it.'"
He's Just Not Up for It?
If your partner is unwilling, here's your dialogue: "We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight. I'm not willing to settle for a relationship where you sit in a chair, pop a few beers, and our sex life is over."
The stereotype of grumpy old men exists for a reason, Foley explains. "With aging comes an increase in depression and irritability. Women complain to me -- I was ready to try these things, but I couldn't get my partner to do it."
Often, the irritability and crankiness is actually masking anxiety and depression. If your partner is downright snarly about it, then you've got to stand your ground. "This isn't the kind of thing in this day and age that people live with," she says. "Our parents or grandparents may have lived that way, but we don't anymore."
With therapy and the right medication, the irritable anxiousness and depression can disappear. If your partner won't go to counseling, then you need to go alone, she says. "Counseling can help you figure out strategies to help yourself."
Put Sex on the Schedule
If you're both on the same page, it's time you put sex on the schedule. Think of it as exercise, your regular workout -- whatever time of day you choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley says.
"It's a very healthy thing for a partnership, there's no question about that," she tells WebMD. "People who have sex tend to feel closer, more intimate."
When you're over 40, there's definitely a "use it or lose it" aspect to sex, she adds. "That means you have to do it every day. You have to be committed to intimate time together. That doesn't mean every single time you take off your clothes and have sex. But set aside time just for the two of you."
Fall in Love Again
Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other. "If you're bored, you can figure your partner is probably bored, too," says Solee. "Think what would put excitement into your life. Take responsibility for doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself."
Take a cooking class together, take up kayaking or dancing -- or sign up for a sex workshop, she advises. "Share each other's interests. Find new interests together. Single people can follow their own interests. You don't want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the doldrums, so don't let someone else fill it."
Trying something new requires a lot of focus -- and that's good for your sex life. "It's like when you had kids, or bought your first house. People actually fall in love again."
Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. "The phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. You don't have to have an attitude of 'complete hot.' That's a big misconception."
Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you're over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. "When we're 20, it's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it -- then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal."
Also, your mind-set changes. "As men get older, they get more focused on eroticism," she says. "They're much more interested in pleasure, in having the connection. Women start asking for what they want."
Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD. "Most people think that if they've found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately. Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner."
Vibrators and Pills
Tools and toys are important, too.
Men: Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis can be effective in men with erection problems, but if you have certain medical conditions or are taking certain medicines, you may not be able to use them.
Ladies: Don't fret if you're not feeling desire right away. Enjoy the process of becoming aroused. A vibrator can help with that, she advises. "After menopause, they may need a more intense vibration, at least initially, if a woman hasn't been sexual in awhile. She may need a vibrator."
If vaginal dryness and pain are issues, look into topical lubricants and moisturizers, Foley adds.
Many vaginal products contain estrogen (which can come in cream, vaginal ring, and vaginal tablet formulation), which helps with dryness, irritation, and muscle tone in the area. If you cannot take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication.
Try a Marriage Retreat
Keeping your marriage on track -- sexually and otherwise -- requires good communications skills, Solee adds. A therapist can guide you toward improving those skills, possibly recommending a marriage retreat.
"It's not our differences that pull us apart, it's how we handle them," she tells WebMD. "You need to really listen to your partner in a way he knows you love and respect him. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy." Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and military bases, she adds.
Some workshops are intense group therapy for couples. "Some are enrichment weekends -- you learn to massage each others' feet, or talk about sensuality. It depends on how deep your rift is, whether a therapist would recommend a lighter or deeper workshop," Schwartz says.
Group therapy lets you see the relationship more clearly. "Often, people find it easier to give empathy to other people than to each other," she explains. "But once empathy is in the room, it kind of fills the room. It helps you give it to each other."
You learn from other couples in the room, Schwartz adds. "Some people give voice to something you haven't been able to. It's different if it doesn't come from an authority figure. It becomes a discussion among equals. Other people can see things you may not see. If everybody looks at you and says, ‘Why are you being so hard on her?’ everything changes. You suddenly see, whoa, I am."
By Jeanie L. Davis
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
©2005-2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sourced By:
There's no drama, no fighting. You've been together for years, raised kids and pets. The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. As months drift into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage.
Most married couples don't really know what to expect of a long-term relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. She is also director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.
"It's so normal to hit the doldrums. In a way, you should be smug about it," Solee tells WebMD. "You have a partner who is not bringing drama into your life. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut."
There's more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.
Schwartz is on the Health Advisory Board at WebMD, and author of several books including Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Signs you're in the marital doldrums: "You're leading parallel lives, and don't see each other anymore," she tells WebMD. "You tell everything important to your friends but not to each other. Those are really big problems, and you've got to tend to them."
A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless marriage, Schwartz adds. "If you're bitchy, if you treat each other with contempt, it's a warning sign. It may not happen all the time, but it happens often. It's because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped for."
In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains. "Those deeper feelings have to be dealt with. I'm not talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has to be a refocusing on the relationship... a renewal of what this marriage is supposed to be."
The Anatomy of Love
First step: Be realistic. If you're looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. And a new partner certainly isn't the solution. Three years later, you'll have the same sizzle-less marriage you have right now.
"The initial passion of any relationship changes after 18 months," says Sallie Foley, MSW, director of the Center for Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. She is the author of Modern Love and Sex and Love for Grownups.
"It moves from the romantic and exciting to an attachment kind of loving, fondness," Foley tells WebMD. "That gotta have it, gotta have it feeling is gone."
Take stock of what you want, she advises. If you want a sex life, then commit to making it happen, Foley says. "Not everyone wants a sex life as they head into last third of life. But AARP studies show that 65% remain sexually active."
The Anatomy of Love continued...
Put aside the romanticized, silver-screen notions of sex, Foley says. "The majority of people your age are having good-enough sex. Occasionally, they have sex that knocks it out of the ballpark. But they're having sex regularly. They're getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they're doing it on a regular basis."
You've also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse. "You have to give up fantasy notions that he or she is suddenly going to be 20 pounds lighter with no cellulite. You have to decide, 'This is what I want, how do I proceed,'" she advises.
Then, have "the talk" with your spouse. You have to be willing to say this to your partner: "We need to jazz up our sex life. We have fallen into some bad habits. I'm not going to settle for this level. We need to have sex, the same as we do other things that are important to us. We have to set aside time for it.'"
He's Just Not Up for It?
If your partner is unwilling, here's your dialogue: "We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight. I'm not willing to settle for a relationship where you sit in a chair, pop a few beers, and our sex life is over."
The stereotype of grumpy old men exists for a reason, Foley explains. "With aging comes an increase in depression and irritability. Women complain to me -- I was ready to try these things, but I couldn't get my partner to do it."
Often, the irritability and crankiness is actually masking anxiety and depression. If your partner is downright snarly about it, then you've got to stand your ground. "This isn't the kind of thing in this day and age that people live with," she says. "Our parents or grandparents may have lived that way, but we don't anymore."
With therapy and the right medication, the irritable anxiousness and depression can disappear. If your partner won't go to counseling, then you need to go alone, she says. "Counseling can help you figure out strategies to help yourself."
Put Sex on the Schedule
If you're both on the same page, it's time you put sex on the schedule. Think of it as exercise, your regular workout -- whatever time of day you choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley says.
"It's a very healthy thing for a partnership, there's no question about that," she tells WebMD. "People who have sex tend to feel closer, more intimate."
When you're over 40, there's definitely a "use it or lose it" aspect to sex, she adds. "That means you have to do it every day. You have to be committed to intimate time together. That doesn't mean every single time you take off your clothes and have sex. But set aside time just for the two of you."
Fall in Love Again
Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other. "If you're bored, you can figure your partner is probably bored, too," says Solee. "Think what would put excitement into your life. Take responsibility for doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself."
Take a cooking class together, take up kayaking or dancing -- or sign up for a sex workshop, she advises. "Share each other's interests. Find new interests together. Single people can follow their own interests. You don't want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the doldrums, so don't let someone else fill it."
Trying something new requires a lot of focus -- and that's good for your sex life. "It's like when you had kids, or bought your first house. People actually fall in love again."
Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. "The phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. You don't have to have an attitude of 'complete hot.' That's a big misconception."
Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you're over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. "When we're 20, it's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it -- then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal."
Also, your mind-set changes. "As men get older, they get more focused on eroticism," she says. "They're much more interested in pleasure, in having the connection. Women start asking for what they want."
Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD. "Most people think that if they've found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately. Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner."
Vibrators and Pills
Tools and toys are important, too.
Men: Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis can be effective in men with erection problems, but if you have certain medical conditions or are taking certain medicines, you may not be able to use them.
Ladies: Don't fret if you're not feeling desire right away. Enjoy the process of becoming aroused. A vibrator can help with that, she advises. "After menopause, they may need a more intense vibration, at least initially, if a woman hasn't been sexual in awhile. She may need a vibrator."
If vaginal dryness and pain are issues, look into topical lubricants and moisturizers, Foley adds.
Many vaginal products contain estrogen (which can come in cream, vaginal ring, and vaginal tablet formulation), which helps with dryness, irritation, and muscle tone in the area. If you cannot take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication.
Try a Marriage Retreat
Keeping your marriage on track -- sexually and otherwise -- requires good communications skills, Solee adds. A therapist can guide you toward improving those skills, possibly recommending a marriage retreat.
"It's not our differences that pull us apart, it's how we handle them," she tells WebMD. "You need to really listen to your partner in a way he knows you love and respect him. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy." Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and military bases, she adds.
Some workshops are intense group therapy for couples. "Some are enrichment weekends -- you learn to massage each others' feet, or talk about sensuality. It depends on how deep your rift is, whether a therapist would recommend a lighter or deeper workshop," Schwartz says.
Group therapy lets you see the relationship more clearly. "Often, people find it easier to give empathy to other people than to each other," she explains. "But once empathy is in the room, it kind of fills the room. It helps you give it to each other."
You learn from other couples in the room, Schwartz adds. "Some people give voice to something you haven't been able to. It's different if it doesn't come from an authority figure. It becomes a discussion among equals. Other people can see things you may not see. If everybody looks at you and says, ‘Why are you being so hard on her?’ everything changes. You suddenly see, whoa, I am."
By Jeanie L. Davis
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
©2005-2007 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sourced By:
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Stress: Busted!
Sanity-saving strategies you can use right now
1. Work Pressures
Change your schedule.
When most people get in to work, they check their e-mail and voice mail. Save it for later. Spend your first hour, when you're the sharpest, on creative and strategic thinking. While you're at it, break down your day into specific tasks, rather than trying to juggle everything. Studies now show that a 50-minute task takes four times as long if you juggle too many tasks at once. "Are you a starter of all and finisher of none?" asks Julie Morgenstern, author of Making Work Work. If you can, pick one day a week to leave 30 minutes earlier than usual. "It feels like corporate suicide," Morgenstern says, but allowing yourself that early exit will keep you on deadline and make you hyperfocused to complete jobs more efficiently.
2. Personal Pressures
Change the habit, not the world.
Destressing isn't about eliminating all of your stresses; it's about getting control of them, one at a time. To do that, you should make micro-adjustments in your life, not big ones that eventually add more stress, says Stan Goldberg, Ph.D., author of Ready To Learn. "What's important is whatever [changes you make to your routine] need to be small enough so that there is a minimal amount of difference between what you've been doing and what you now do," Dr. Goldberg says. If you're working on being prompt, get to every appointment—not just to work—5 minutes earlier than normal. Successful change is permanent, not dramatic.
3. Self Care
Eat the antistress diet.
When you're in stress mode, your insides produce more chemical reactions than Marie Curie's lab—you experience surges of the hormone cortisol and sugar levels that spike and plummet, which can leave you feeling under pressure and sluggish. Counteract those reactions with the right foods, says Elizabeth Somer, R.D., author of The Food & Mood Cookbook. For breakfast, avoid sugary cereals or breakfast bars and eat whole-grain cereal and a piece of fruit. Then pop a vitamin with at least 500 milligrams (mg) of calcium and 250 mg of magnesium. Magnesium, which is flushed out when stress rushes in, helps regulate those cortisol levels. For a snack, the crunch of veggie sticks or carrots helps release a clenched jaw and the tension headache you can get as a result of stress. Before bed, go with a light carbohydrate-rich snack, like toast and jam, to quicken the release of the feel-good hormone serotonin, which will help you sleep better.
4. Personal Power
Always avoid "always".
One of the biggest booby traps in your life is overgeneralizing—first dates never work out, she always gets promotions before me, he always arrives at least 5 minutes late. Unconsciously, using "always" and "never" steers you away from feeling that you have any control over changing the things that stress or worry you, says Daniel Amen, M.D., author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.
5. Emotional Symptoms
Schedule your emotions.
If we let it, stress can eat away at us like a squirrel with a nut. That constantly worried mentality impedes decision-making, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., author of Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life. She suggests you write down what you're worried about, then set aside some quiet time (say 30 minutes) to figure out solutions. That way, worrying won't disrupt your work, and you'll be able to think through the answers.
WebMD Feature from "Women's Health" Magazine
By the Editors of Women’s Health
Copyright© 2006 Rodale Inc. All rights reserved. Women's Health is a Registered Trademark of Rodale Inc. No reproduction, transmission or display is permitted without the written permissions of Rodale Inc.
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
1. Work Pressures
Change your schedule.
When most people get in to work, they check their e-mail and voice mail. Save it for later. Spend your first hour, when you're the sharpest, on creative and strategic thinking. While you're at it, break down your day into specific tasks, rather than trying to juggle everything. Studies now show that a 50-minute task takes four times as long if you juggle too many tasks at once. "Are you a starter of all and finisher of none?" asks Julie Morgenstern, author of Making Work Work. If you can, pick one day a week to leave 30 minutes earlier than usual. "It feels like corporate suicide," Morgenstern says, but allowing yourself that early exit will keep you on deadline and make you hyperfocused to complete jobs more efficiently.
2. Personal Pressures
Change the habit, not the world.
Destressing isn't about eliminating all of your stresses; it's about getting control of them, one at a time. To do that, you should make micro-adjustments in your life, not big ones that eventually add more stress, says Stan Goldberg, Ph.D., author of Ready To Learn. "What's important is whatever [changes you make to your routine] need to be small enough so that there is a minimal amount of difference between what you've been doing and what you now do," Dr. Goldberg says. If you're working on being prompt, get to every appointment—not just to work—5 minutes earlier than normal. Successful change is permanent, not dramatic.
3. Self Care
Eat the antistress diet.
When you're in stress mode, your insides produce more chemical reactions than Marie Curie's lab—you experience surges of the hormone cortisol and sugar levels that spike and plummet, which can leave you feeling under pressure and sluggish. Counteract those reactions with the right foods, says Elizabeth Somer, R.D., author of The Food & Mood Cookbook. For breakfast, avoid sugary cereals or breakfast bars and eat whole-grain cereal and a piece of fruit. Then pop a vitamin with at least 500 milligrams (mg) of calcium and 250 mg of magnesium. Magnesium, which is flushed out when stress rushes in, helps regulate those cortisol levels. For a snack, the crunch of veggie sticks or carrots helps release a clenched jaw and the tension headache you can get as a result of stress. Before bed, go with a light carbohydrate-rich snack, like toast and jam, to quicken the release of the feel-good hormone serotonin, which will help you sleep better.
4. Personal Power
Always avoid "always".
One of the biggest booby traps in your life is overgeneralizing—first dates never work out, she always gets promotions before me, he always arrives at least 5 minutes late. Unconsciously, using "always" and "never" steers you away from feeling that you have any control over changing the things that stress or worry you, says Daniel Amen, M.D., author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.
5. Emotional Symptoms
Schedule your emotions.
If we let it, stress can eat away at us like a squirrel with a nut. That constantly worried mentality impedes decision-making, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., author of Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life. She suggests you write down what you're worried about, then set aside some quiet time (say 30 minutes) to figure out solutions. That way, worrying won't disrupt your work, and you'll be able to think through the answers.
WebMD Feature from "Women's Health" Magazine
By the Editors of Women’s Health
Copyright© 2006 Rodale Inc. All rights reserved. Women's Health is a Registered Trademark of Rodale Inc. No reproduction, transmission or display is permitted without the written permissions of Rodale Inc.
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Monday, December 10, 2007
Parenting Tips for the Holidays
You know the drill: The "gimmes," the sugar meltdowns, the "are we there yets?" Then there is the awkward problem of divorce and how to apportion time and attention. Kids reach a high pitch of excitement and sometimes invent surprising new behaviors that require your best holiday parenting skills.
"Parents should start with their own expectations," advises Susan Newman, PhD, a social psychology professor at Rutgers University in News Brunswick, NJ, and author of Little Things Long Remembered:Making Your Child Feel Special Every Day tells WebMD. "Some parents want to be sure their children get everything they want so there will be no tears. This is an unrealistic goal. Parents, especially with younger kids get lost in the hype."
Don't try to please everyone, Newman continues. Someone -- a parent, grandparent or in-law --will be unhappy. But, as a rule, the children will not be -- and it's the little things that they will remember, like time spent playing a board game or teaching you to operate their toys. "We played Chutes and Ladders last Christmas with my older kids," Newman says, "and it was so funny!"
Give the Pleasure of Giving
"Children will model your behavior," Newman says. "If you bake for the homeless shelter (and they help) or if you visit people in the hospital, they will remember that. These patterns stick."
"I like cooking with kids," Bunni Tobias, host of the syndicated radio show, Solutions for Simple Sanity, tells WebMD. "At my house, each child has a specialty, one was King of Cookies; one was on top of the veggies." Over time, each household develops a list of favorite holiday cookies and treats -- these are repeated each year.
Many schools and churches have programs for kids to make gifts or contribute to the less fortunate -- you can suggest some of the kids' allowance be used, instead of just a handout from dad.
Children can also help wrap presents -- so what if they aren't straight out of Vogue? "Kids have to see that everything doesn't come from a store," Newman says. Wrapping also creates a sense of excitement and is a good time to talk.
Making gifts is also a good way to give kids a deeper sense of the holidays. Going to the craft store, planning a project, and gathering around to make things is also a good time for parents to give kids extra attention. So often the holidays involve grown-ups reuniting and catching up -- kids get shunted to the sidelines.
Tobias recommends that children should be encouraged to make their own wish lists -- but to also describe why they want each item, to think a little. This way, parents can gently modify expectations before the fateful unwrapping.
Start Your Own Traditions
Besides joking about Mom's annual nervous breakdown, you can start some other traditions:
Go to the Nutcracker, a lighting ceremony or just drive around to see house lighting
Build a snowman
Open an Advent card
Go to church or synagogue
Let kids' choose holiday music and parents can dance with them
Start a tradition of holiday meditation geared to short attention spans
Bring out the ornaments, if you have a tree, and reminisce about each one
Some other suggestions:
Put the kids in charge of videotaping or picture taking. Let them interview everyone each year. Landscape photographer Franklin B. Way suggests starting with disposable cameras. Encourage several shots of each subject before offering advice. Send kids out to take pictures of objects of one color. It will give you some free time.
Be flexible -- if kids want a traditional candy cane and gingerbread man tree, alternate that each year with your designer special covered in fiberglass and festooned with your collection of antique racing car ornaments.
Encourage kids to make New Year's resolutions. Share your own hopes for the coming year.
Coping With Divorce
The best time to consciously create new traditions, Newman says, is when the family has been touched by divorce, death, or some major change. "Even if it only means having dinner at a different time, try to differentiate between the past and now."
Marilyn Coleman, PhD, professor of human development and family studies at the University of Missouri-Columbia, suggests divorced parents create a separate holiday just for the family, one that is neither Christmas or Hanukkah, so kids won't feel guilty for spending time with one parent and not the other.
Mary Jo McCurley of the Dallas law firm McCurley, Orsinger, McCurley & Nelson, also suggests parents firm up the visitation schedule in advance, no surprises. Try not to overschedule kids, she advises -- they are already moving around. Help you child shop for your ex-spouse and be positive about the other parent. Don't convey feelings of anxiousness about your being alone on "the big day." Also -- don't compete for the affections of the child by breaking the bank with a "big gift."
Keep Routines as Best You Can
Newman suggests bedtimes be maintained, even if relatives plead, "Let them stay up, it's the holiday." People need sleep, she says, even adult people. "The next day is a holiday, too," Newman says, "no one wants to deal with sleep-deprived kids. You do them a disservice if you allow them to stay up."
Kids also should not be allowed to OD on sugar and snack food. "Ask the grandparents to go easy," smiles Newman.
Most of all, be inclusive -- if kids are included in an event, introduce them, coach them to use proper manners, and if they need you off alone for a few minutes, make the time.
There's a payoff. If the kids are less stressed, you will be, too. That's the best present of all.
Star Lawrence is a medical journalist based in the Phoenix area.
Reviewed on November 16, 2004
© 2003 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
"Parents should start with their own expectations," advises Susan Newman, PhD, a social psychology professor at Rutgers University in News Brunswick, NJ, and author of Little Things Long Remembered:Making Your Child Feel Special Every Day tells WebMD. "Some parents want to be sure their children get everything they want so there will be no tears. This is an unrealistic goal. Parents, especially with younger kids get lost in the hype."
Don't try to please everyone, Newman continues. Someone -- a parent, grandparent or in-law --will be unhappy. But, as a rule, the children will not be -- and it's the little things that they will remember, like time spent playing a board game or teaching you to operate their toys. "We played Chutes and Ladders last Christmas with my older kids," Newman says, "and it was so funny!"
Give the Pleasure of Giving
"Children will model your behavior," Newman says. "If you bake for the homeless shelter (and they help) or if you visit people in the hospital, they will remember that. These patterns stick."
"I like cooking with kids," Bunni Tobias, host of the syndicated radio show, Solutions for Simple Sanity, tells WebMD. "At my house, each child has a specialty, one was King of Cookies; one was on top of the veggies." Over time, each household develops a list of favorite holiday cookies and treats -- these are repeated each year.
Many schools and churches have programs for kids to make gifts or contribute to the less fortunate -- you can suggest some of the kids' allowance be used, instead of just a handout from dad.
Children can also help wrap presents -- so what if they aren't straight out of Vogue? "Kids have to see that everything doesn't come from a store," Newman says. Wrapping also creates a sense of excitement and is a good time to talk.
Making gifts is also a good way to give kids a deeper sense of the holidays. Going to the craft store, planning a project, and gathering around to make things is also a good time for parents to give kids extra attention. So often the holidays involve grown-ups reuniting and catching up -- kids get shunted to the sidelines.
Tobias recommends that children should be encouraged to make their own wish lists -- but to also describe why they want each item, to think a little. This way, parents can gently modify expectations before the fateful unwrapping.
Start Your Own Traditions
Besides joking about Mom's annual nervous breakdown, you can start some other traditions:
Go to the Nutcracker, a lighting ceremony or just drive around to see house lighting
Build a snowman
Open an Advent card
Go to church or synagogue
Let kids' choose holiday music and parents can dance with them
Start a tradition of holiday meditation geared to short attention spans
Bring out the ornaments, if you have a tree, and reminisce about each one
Some other suggestions:
Put the kids in charge of videotaping or picture taking. Let them interview everyone each year. Landscape photographer Franklin B. Way suggests starting with disposable cameras. Encourage several shots of each subject before offering advice. Send kids out to take pictures of objects of one color. It will give you some free time.
Be flexible -- if kids want a traditional candy cane and gingerbread man tree, alternate that each year with your designer special covered in fiberglass and festooned with your collection of antique racing car ornaments.
Encourage kids to make New Year's resolutions. Share your own hopes for the coming year.
Coping With Divorce
The best time to consciously create new traditions, Newman says, is when the family has been touched by divorce, death, or some major change. "Even if it only means having dinner at a different time, try to differentiate between the past and now."
Marilyn Coleman, PhD, professor of human development and family studies at the University of Missouri-Columbia, suggests divorced parents create a separate holiday just for the family, one that is neither Christmas or Hanukkah, so kids won't feel guilty for spending time with one parent and not the other.
Mary Jo McCurley of the Dallas law firm McCurley, Orsinger, McCurley & Nelson, also suggests parents firm up the visitation schedule in advance, no surprises. Try not to overschedule kids, she advises -- they are already moving around. Help you child shop for your ex-spouse and be positive about the other parent. Don't convey feelings of anxiousness about your being alone on "the big day." Also -- don't compete for the affections of the child by breaking the bank with a "big gift."
Keep Routines as Best You Can
Newman suggests bedtimes be maintained, even if relatives plead, "Let them stay up, it's the holiday." People need sleep, she says, even adult people. "The next day is a holiday, too," Newman says, "no one wants to deal with sleep-deprived kids. You do them a disservice if you allow them to stay up."
Kids also should not be allowed to OD on sugar and snack food. "Ask the grandparents to go easy," smiles Newman.
Most of all, be inclusive -- if kids are included in an event, introduce them, coach them to use proper manners, and if they need you off alone for a few minutes, make the time.
There's a payoff. If the kids are less stressed, you will be, too. That's the best present of all.
Star Lawrence is a medical journalist based in the Phoenix area.
Reviewed on November 16, 2004
© 2003 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Friday, December 7, 2007
The Power of Optimism
Even if you weren’t born with a sunny outlook, this pioneer in mind/body medicine argues that you can easily cultivate one
Years ago,while I was finishing my premed studies, I developed an acute pain in my abdomen. I reported to the student health center, where they scheduled me for an immediate appendectomy. Hours later, I awoke
in severe pain, alone, and worried. Then something quite ordinary happened. A nurse appeared, held my hand, and simply said, “Don’t worry, Larry. Everything is going to be just fine.” As she stood there, the pain vanished, along with my anxiety. Fear gave way to optimism that I’d make a quick recovery—and I did.
There’s no way around it: Whether it bubbles up naturally or is coaxed into materializing by another’s thoughtful gesture, our outlook on life shapes our well-being. Optimism means having faith that things will turn out well in a given situation—and often, they do. But even when they don’t, a positive disposition leads us to find the gifts that are hidden in any difficult challenge. By viewing the glass half-full instead of half-empty, as the cliché goes,we reap tangible rewards: Studies have shown that joyful types are more likely to lead longer, healthier lives than those who expect the worst.
In making an effort to cultivate optimism, we are “optimized,” or made capable of being and functioning at our best. It doesn’t matter whether or not you came into this world with a sunny outlook. You can foster upbeat thinking by shining the light on the positive at every turn. Practice optimism, using the following steps—and enjoy the happy consequences.
+Focus on the big picture. We’re blessed. We live in a modern democracy with the attendant rights and privileges. Most of us are well fed, clothed, sheltered, and protected. Our daily luxuries—clean water, air-conditioning, indoor plumbing, safe food—have become so commonplace that we cease to notice them. In the name of optimism, we should wake up to our abundance. Doing so will help gratitude arise as a natural response to being alive at our place in human history.
+Connect. Pessimists often make unpleasant company, and solitude leads to more pessimism. When you purposefully interact with others, you break the cycle of gloom and create an opening for optimism to take root. But choose your friends carefully—feelings are contagious. Want to be depressed? Hang out with depressives. Want to be happy? Make friends with happy people. Since both pessimism and optimism are catching, you’re more likely to feel optimistic if you surround yourself with optimists.
+Read about optimists. What makes them tick? Where do they get hope in hard times? I like Jon Meacham's Franklin and Winston, an exploration of the friendship between two of the 20th century’s greatest optimists, Roosevelt and Churchill. Explore the lives of well-known optimists, and you’ll start to see how an invisible feeling can transform into visible deeds and accomplishments.
+Be generous. Give to charity. Tip well. Offer to help friends and family members in need. Work in a soup kitchen, with Habitat for Humanity, or for an AIDS project at home or abroad. Generosity opens the heart and anchors our identity in something other than the self. It’s an antidote to self-absorption and a door for optimism. When you bring more generosity into your life, you also invite its cousins, compassion and love.
+Go on a media fast. For a week or so, take a break from the steady stream of bad news. You may find it invigorating to sidestep the depressing effects of daily tragedy—and easier to have optimism about the state of the world.
If you fear that missing the news means ignoring genuine problems, remember that you won’t hurt the world by diverting your attention for a week. You can continue sending hopeful, healing thoughts to those people in need with an open-ended prayer such as “May the highest good prevail.”
+Immerse yourself in nature. The incredible complexity of living systems and the upward, evolutionary trajectory of life can stir optimism in anyone. I speak from experience when I say that spending time in nature can restore your soul, lift your spirits, make your heart sing, and keep you going in times of trouble. Take a wilderness retreat the next time you want to feel buoyant, recharged, upbeat, and ready to meet big challenges.
+Cultivate spirituality. Countless studies show that people who follow a spiritual path—it doesn’t matter which one—generally live longer and enjoy a lower incidence of most major diseases than people who don’t. Which approach should you choose? Be open. Let it choose you. You might find spiritual connection in a particular religion, a form of meditation, or a physical discipline such as yoga or tai chi. Connecting with the divine might also come through something completely different, like tending an herb garden, singing in a choir, or surfing Saturday mornings at dawn. Trust the saying “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
By Larry Dossey
© 2007 Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc. All rights reserved.
WebMD Feature from "body+soul" Magazine
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Years ago,while I was finishing my premed studies, I developed an acute pain in my abdomen. I reported to the student health center, where they scheduled me for an immediate appendectomy. Hours later, I awoke
in severe pain, alone, and worried. Then something quite ordinary happened. A nurse appeared, held my hand, and simply said, “Don’t worry, Larry. Everything is going to be just fine.” As she stood there, the pain vanished, along with my anxiety. Fear gave way to optimism that I’d make a quick recovery—and I did.
There’s no way around it: Whether it bubbles up naturally or is coaxed into materializing by another’s thoughtful gesture, our outlook on life shapes our well-being. Optimism means having faith that things will turn out well in a given situation—and often, they do. But even when they don’t, a positive disposition leads us to find the gifts that are hidden in any difficult challenge. By viewing the glass half-full instead of half-empty, as the cliché goes,we reap tangible rewards: Studies have shown that joyful types are more likely to lead longer, healthier lives than those who expect the worst.
In making an effort to cultivate optimism, we are “optimized,” or made capable of being and functioning at our best. It doesn’t matter whether or not you came into this world with a sunny outlook. You can foster upbeat thinking by shining the light on the positive at every turn. Practice optimism, using the following steps—and enjoy the happy consequences.
+Focus on the big picture. We’re blessed. We live in a modern democracy with the attendant rights and privileges. Most of us are well fed, clothed, sheltered, and protected. Our daily luxuries—clean water, air-conditioning, indoor plumbing, safe food—have become so commonplace that we cease to notice them. In the name of optimism, we should wake up to our abundance. Doing so will help gratitude arise as a natural response to being alive at our place in human history.
+Connect. Pessimists often make unpleasant company, and solitude leads to more pessimism. When you purposefully interact with others, you break the cycle of gloom and create an opening for optimism to take root. But choose your friends carefully—feelings are contagious. Want to be depressed? Hang out with depressives. Want to be happy? Make friends with happy people. Since both pessimism and optimism are catching, you’re more likely to feel optimistic if you surround yourself with optimists.
+Read about optimists. What makes them tick? Where do they get hope in hard times? I like Jon Meacham's Franklin and Winston, an exploration of the friendship between two of the 20th century’s greatest optimists, Roosevelt and Churchill. Explore the lives of well-known optimists, and you’ll start to see how an invisible feeling can transform into visible deeds and accomplishments.
+Be generous. Give to charity. Tip well. Offer to help friends and family members in need. Work in a soup kitchen, with Habitat for Humanity, or for an AIDS project at home or abroad. Generosity opens the heart and anchors our identity in something other than the self. It’s an antidote to self-absorption and a door for optimism. When you bring more generosity into your life, you also invite its cousins, compassion and love.
+Go on a media fast. For a week or so, take a break from the steady stream of bad news. You may find it invigorating to sidestep the depressing effects of daily tragedy—and easier to have optimism about the state of the world.
If you fear that missing the news means ignoring genuine problems, remember that you won’t hurt the world by diverting your attention for a week. You can continue sending hopeful, healing thoughts to those people in need with an open-ended prayer such as “May the highest good prevail.”
+Immerse yourself in nature. The incredible complexity of living systems and the upward, evolutionary trajectory of life can stir optimism in anyone. I speak from experience when I say that spending time in nature can restore your soul, lift your spirits, make your heart sing, and keep you going in times of trouble. Take a wilderness retreat the next time you want to feel buoyant, recharged, upbeat, and ready to meet big challenges.
+Cultivate spirituality. Countless studies show that people who follow a spiritual path—it doesn’t matter which one—generally live longer and enjoy a lower incidence of most major diseases than people who don’t. Which approach should you choose? Be open. Let it choose you. You might find spiritual connection in a particular religion, a form of meditation, or a physical discipline such as yoga or tai chi. Connecting with the divine might also come through something completely different, like tending an herb garden, singing in a choir, or surfing Saturday mornings at dawn. Trust the saying “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
By Larry Dossey
© 2007 Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc. All rights reserved.
WebMD Feature from "body+soul" Magazine
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Is Hidden Anger Making You Gain Pounds?
Ralph loves fatty foods, doughnuts in particular. He finds himself consuming these by the droves in the mornings before he faces work. He tries repeatedly to stop this out-of-control overeating but he can't do it despite the fact that his rapidly increasing size is threatening his job at which he must appear personable.
Ralph loves fatty foods, doughnuts in particular. He finds himself consuming these by the droves in the mornings before he faces work. He tries repeatedly to stop this out-of-control overeating but he can't do it despite the fact that his rapidly increasing size is threatening his job at which he must appear personable. It is only when he discovers a hidden connection between anger and his overeating that Ralph gets a grip on this habit - I will tell you how in a moment, but let's look at that hidden connection first. What has anger got to do with overeating?
Surprising as it may seem, while anger won't raise the numbers on your scale directly, it can indirectly contribute to them in a big way because anger is one of the major causes of emotional overeating. If you find yourself reaching for your favorite comfort foods whenever someone makes you mad, your anger may be an indirect but important cause of your gaining pounds.
The reason for this is that food can be so soothing that it can allow you to avoid whatever negative emotions you may be feeling when the cravings strike. In fact, if you reach for the food fast enough, you probably don't even notice you're feeling anything unpleasant at all.
This is especially true for the emotion of anger. Society conditions us to keep our angry feelings under control but sometimes, this includes not feeling the anger at all. If you're like most people, you're not comfortable with anger. Food is an easy way to keep it at bay and avoid expressing it.
Of course, the problem is that your anger doesn't go anywhere when you eat unwisely as a way of handling it. You still feel the anger - it's just hidden from your awareness for a while by the temporary comfort of food. Meanwhile, the downside is that you become heavier, and the angry feelings remain dormant, ready to come up to the surface and bring about yet another food craving. It's a no-win continuous cycle.
Ralph is a perfect example. He feels completely unappreciated at work since his boss treats him like a scapegoat. Despite the fact that his sales figures surpass those of most of his coworkers, he watches others receive accolades while his work goes unnoticed. He continues to look for a more satisfying job, but he has yet to find one.
Ralph starts his day angry and ends it angry. The only way he can get past the anger and make it to work is by eating a few donuts for breakfast. When he gets home after another frustrating day, he goes straight for his favorite fatty comfort foods before he even makes dinner. Sometimes, he fills up so much on the fatty foods that he fails to eat anything nutritious at all.
It's certainly understandable why Ralph's situation would make him feel angry, but his coping mechanism is not helping. Instead, it undermines his health and causes him to put on pounds. This only adds to his frustration and his difficulty in finding another job.
While Ralph may not be able to immediately alter his situation at work, he can definitely change his own attitude. It isn't easy, but it's certainly preferable to allowing his anger to get the best of him. Ralph needs to acknowledge his anger and find a way to release it constructively. He could try martial arts or a punching bag until he finds a better job. If he keeps his focus on the positive steps he can take to change his circumstances, he will feel much better, and he won't have to drown his feelings with eating.
You can certainly see the logic. Using food to suppress anger is the equivalent of "swallowing" your feelings, rather than expressing them. And the biting action offers some relief because it satisfies the primal instinct to bite our enemies in defense. For this reason, crunchy foods may feel especially good at such times.
There are several techniques for conquering emotional overeating, but there is something you can do immediately to break the habit of using food as an anger suppressor:
Take a 3" x 5" index card and write the following sentence on it:
"Even though I'm angry at (insert name of person or situation) and can't express this openly, I deeply and completely accept myself (or "love myself," etc) without judgment."
Before you go to bed each night, and after you rise in the morning (and at any other time you wish), read this sentence out loud to yourself three times.
This is a mini-version of the powerful "EFT Choices Method" which is a highly effective technique for combating emotional overeating. EFT utilizes the principles of acupressure and uses light tapping on certain strategic comfort spots on your face and upper body to train your mind to become more peaceful and self-accepting - a great advantage for losing pounds. You will no longer feel that compulsion to grab for unnecessary food when you come into harmony with yourself and accept your anger.
Self-help techniques like EFT are especially important because they get to the core of the eating problem, while diets usually fail because they focus on what foods you are eating rather than the reason you're eating them.
If you want to stop emotional overeating, your first task is to become aware of the emotion you are suppressing. The next time you reach for that candy bar, stop and ask yourself if you are angry with someone. If so, try the EFT exercise provided above, and watch the pounds melt away!
By: Psychologist Dr. Patricia Carrington
www.articles-hub.com/index.php?article=129826&highlite=anger
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Ralph loves fatty foods, doughnuts in particular. He finds himself consuming these by the droves in the mornings before he faces work. He tries repeatedly to stop this out-of-control overeating but he can't do it despite the fact that his rapidly increasing size is threatening his job at which he must appear personable. It is only when he discovers a hidden connection between anger and his overeating that Ralph gets a grip on this habit - I will tell you how in a moment, but let's look at that hidden connection first. What has anger got to do with overeating?
Surprising as it may seem, while anger won't raise the numbers on your scale directly, it can indirectly contribute to them in a big way because anger is one of the major causes of emotional overeating. If you find yourself reaching for your favorite comfort foods whenever someone makes you mad, your anger may be an indirect but important cause of your gaining pounds.
The reason for this is that food can be so soothing that it can allow you to avoid whatever negative emotions you may be feeling when the cravings strike. In fact, if you reach for the food fast enough, you probably don't even notice you're feeling anything unpleasant at all.
This is especially true for the emotion of anger. Society conditions us to keep our angry feelings under control but sometimes, this includes not feeling the anger at all. If you're like most people, you're not comfortable with anger. Food is an easy way to keep it at bay and avoid expressing it.
Of course, the problem is that your anger doesn't go anywhere when you eat unwisely as a way of handling it. You still feel the anger - it's just hidden from your awareness for a while by the temporary comfort of food. Meanwhile, the downside is that you become heavier, and the angry feelings remain dormant, ready to come up to the surface and bring about yet another food craving. It's a no-win continuous cycle.
Ralph is a perfect example. He feels completely unappreciated at work since his boss treats him like a scapegoat. Despite the fact that his sales figures surpass those of most of his coworkers, he watches others receive accolades while his work goes unnoticed. He continues to look for a more satisfying job, but he has yet to find one.
Ralph starts his day angry and ends it angry. The only way he can get past the anger and make it to work is by eating a few donuts for breakfast. When he gets home after another frustrating day, he goes straight for his favorite fatty comfort foods before he even makes dinner. Sometimes, he fills up so much on the fatty foods that he fails to eat anything nutritious at all.
It's certainly understandable why Ralph's situation would make him feel angry, but his coping mechanism is not helping. Instead, it undermines his health and causes him to put on pounds. This only adds to his frustration and his difficulty in finding another job.
While Ralph may not be able to immediately alter his situation at work, he can definitely change his own attitude. It isn't easy, but it's certainly preferable to allowing his anger to get the best of him. Ralph needs to acknowledge his anger and find a way to release it constructively. He could try martial arts or a punching bag until he finds a better job. If he keeps his focus on the positive steps he can take to change his circumstances, he will feel much better, and he won't have to drown his feelings with eating.
You can certainly see the logic. Using food to suppress anger is the equivalent of "swallowing" your feelings, rather than expressing them. And the biting action offers some relief because it satisfies the primal instinct to bite our enemies in defense. For this reason, crunchy foods may feel especially good at such times.
There are several techniques for conquering emotional overeating, but there is something you can do immediately to break the habit of using food as an anger suppressor:
Take a 3" x 5" index card and write the following sentence on it:
"Even though I'm angry at (insert name of person or situation) and can't express this openly, I deeply and completely accept myself (or "love myself," etc) without judgment."
Before you go to bed each night, and after you rise in the morning (and at any other time you wish), read this sentence out loud to yourself three times.
This is a mini-version of the powerful "EFT Choices Method" which is a highly effective technique for combating emotional overeating. EFT utilizes the principles of acupressure and uses light tapping on certain strategic comfort spots on your face and upper body to train your mind to become more peaceful and self-accepting - a great advantage for losing pounds. You will no longer feel that compulsion to grab for unnecessary food when you come into harmony with yourself and accept your anger.
Self-help techniques like EFT are especially important because they get to the core of the eating problem, while diets usually fail because they focus on what foods you are eating rather than the reason you're eating them.
If you want to stop emotional overeating, your first task is to become aware of the emotion you are suppressing. The next time you reach for that candy bar, stop and ask yourself if you are angry with someone. If so, try the EFT exercise provided above, and watch the pounds melt away!
By: Psychologist Dr. Patricia Carrington
www.articles-hub.com/index.php?article=129826&highlite=anger
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Parental Stress - Coping With Kids
Rearing well adjusted children is a real accomplishment on the part of any parent and with today’s trend and lifestyle it is a hard task. Nowadays training kids begins at birth. There are lots of articles written on dealing with newborn babies or coping with toddlers, particularly for new moms, but surprisingly, there is little guidance on how to deal or cope with parental stress.
Several children under the age of five can be really troublesome and handling them is a tiring task. Parents really have to work hard as the kids at that age demand lot of time and attention. This really stresses the parent and makes them feel trapped. Parents have to be magically equipped with patience, parental love and mothering instinct.
Growing children wreck a tidy room or scatter toys and cushions around the house. Potty training is other serious issue and you have to be geared to deal with accidents, while washing their hands is like playing in a swimming pool. Kids like to explore everything and they learn from such exploration. Hence stopping them would curb their inquisitiveness. As a parent you should tackle these issues with care and lot of patience, as love and patience builds a strong foundation in the parent and child relationship.
Due to a stressful lifestyle, many relationships break up and hence there are a lot of single parents around. Such single parents find parenting more difficult as compared to a couple. Managing kids and a career is like walking on two rails. They are usually stressed by running around trying to manage things, and this sometimes leaves the kids neglected. Sometimes parents are not able to pursue their own dreams because they are busy tackling issues related to their kids.
Luckily nowadays there are some voluntary organizations where help can be sought. These organizations offer help for few hours each week like baby-sitting and this help can give the parents some hours of respite. Moms can get free time to mow the lawn, do some home decoration, pursue their passions or even shop. With kids growing and their demands increasing day by day, mothers lose their identity and get hassled under the pressure.
If you find yourself in this situation, don’t be depressed if you fail, as you are a normal human being. Mistakes can happen as there are limitations, hence accept them and do your best. Clean the rooms one by one and not like a superwoman. If you can, try and reduce the furniture or clear off the carpets as they are the things that delay cleaning.
It doesn't matter if the house isn't spotless. What matters is that you spend time playing and having fun with your kids. You will all benefit and at the end of the day you may feel more cheerful and capable of clearing some of the mess. Then give yourself half an hour to soak in the bath, or even do your nails.
http://www.articlesbase.com/authors/margaret-tye/8948.htm
Several children under the age of five can be really troublesome and handling them is a tiring task. Parents really have to work hard as the kids at that age demand lot of time and attention. This really stresses the parent and makes them feel trapped. Parents have to be magically equipped with patience, parental love and mothering instinct.
Growing children wreck a tidy room or scatter toys and cushions around the house. Potty training is other serious issue and you have to be geared to deal with accidents, while washing their hands is like playing in a swimming pool. Kids like to explore everything and they learn from such exploration. Hence stopping them would curb their inquisitiveness. As a parent you should tackle these issues with care and lot of patience, as love and patience builds a strong foundation in the parent and child relationship.
Due to a stressful lifestyle, many relationships break up and hence there are a lot of single parents around. Such single parents find parenting more difficult as compared to a couple. Managing kids and a career is like walking on two rails. They are usually stressed by running around trying to manage things, and this sometimes leaves the kids neglected. Sometimes parents are not able to pursue their own dreams because they are busy tackling issues related to their kids.
Luckily nowadays there are some voluntary organizations where help can be sought. These organizations offer help for few hours each week like baby-sitting and this help can give the parents some hours of respite. Moms can get free time to mow the lawn, do some home decoration, pursue their passions or even shop. With kids growing and their demands increasing day by day, mothers lose their identity and get hassled under the pressure.
If you find yourself in this situation, don’t be depressed if you fail, as you are a normal human being. Mistakes can happen as there are limitations, hence accept them and do your best. Clean the rooms one by one and not like a superwoman. If you can, try and reduce the furniture or clear off the carpets as they are the things that delay cleaning.
It doesn't matter if the house isn't spotless. What matters is that you spend time playing and having fun with your kids. You will all benefit and at the end of the day you may feel more cheerful and capable of clearing some of the mess. Then give yourself half an hour to soak in the bath, or even do your nails.
http://www.articlesbase.com/authors/margaret-tye/8948.htm
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Marriage is a Job
Marriage is a job and we'd all be a lot better off if
we approached it that way.
Think about the similarities: In order to get a job or
a spouse, you dress up, behave unnaturally, and hide
those little things that might be a deal-breaker, like
your prison record or the fact that you save your
cat's hair in baggies. Once you've achieved your
objective, whether it's getting hired or walking down
the aisle, both have a "honeymoon period," where no
one really expects you to buckle down and get to work
right away. Usually there's less sex on the job than
in the marriage, unless you've chosen porn as your
field or married someone sixty years your senior.
And anyone who has been married longer than Renee
Zellwegger and Kenny Chesney can tell you that once
you've gotten past the interview and the honeymoon
period, everyday married life can be just as boring
and frustrating as the 9 to 5 world. There are power
struggles to determine who is the alpha dog (which can
be confounded in marriage if there actually is a dog),
budget cuts, people behaving like children (they may,
in the case of marriage, BE children), changes in
management, walk-outs, etc. There isn't a married
person in the world who hasn't dreamed of not clocking
in for a day (or a week or a month).
Why is it then that with all their similarities that
when someone decides to change jobs, we admire their
ambition and encourage them to follow their bliss, but
if someone makes the same choice about a spouse, we
feel sad and disappointed? Why do we say "failed
marriage" but not "failed occupation?"
I'm not talking about quickie jobs and divorces, but
those things we've poured ourselves into, learned our
lessons, and decided to move on from. Jobs and
marriages are ways of learning about ourselves and our
needs.
I myself have had three occupations and three husbands
(in both cases, I still have the third). My first job
out of college, I was an "Economic Analyst" for a bank
corporation. I know that sound so 80's and it was. But
the fancy title was cover for the fact that I was
basically just an underpaid researcher who had to run
computer models before the actual invention of
computer. Okay, the computer had been invented, but at
the bank we were still using the abacus and slide
rule.
I managed to stay at this job for eighteen months, and
during that time I learned a few things about myself:
(1) I didn't enjoy working for people who take credit
for my work, (2) I really hate wearing panty hose and
heels every day, and (3) Bosses who criticize your job
performance in their office then feel you up in the
elevator are fairly easy to get a good letter of
references from, especially if you know the guys who
run the elevator video camera (yes, the bank did have
those).
lasted ten years in my first marriage. We met in high
school, married right out of college and moved across
country twice. I quit work and went to grad school. He
quit work and formed his own computer company, making
$100 an hour, which was real money in the 80s. I was
making about $6 an hour. I learned from my first
marriage job that anyone who values me based on my
income isn't someone I can sleep with for more than a
decade. Hey, I have a long learning curve.
Job number two, I was a health educator who eventually
ran a wellness program for a major university. There
were things about the job I just loved and other
things that made me want to spit in someone's food.
Unfortunately, that wasn't a perk of the job. This is
the job that taught me to be self-reliant,
independent, capable of doing a lot with very little,
and to value outrageousness in myself and others.
Husband number two was twenty-three when I met him in
a bar. I was thirty-two. Did I mention the
outrageousness factor? I made more money than he did,
had had more sex than he'd had, and weighed more than
he did. None of those turned out to be good things. I
learned from him that I prefer to be the girl in the
relationship at least half the time.
So I'm three for three now. I write and perform
comedy. No one tells me when to get up or what to
wear. No one feels me up on the job, not even the UPS
man, not even when I beg. My co-workers are dogs, so
the back-biting is literal instead of figurative. I
like that. My current husband is slightly older and
grayer than me, weighs more, and spends a lot of time
sleeping, especially if there's nothing good on TV or
I've dared to serve him a meatless entrée again in
order to reduce his cholesterol.
Life goes on. And as long as you're learning
something... anything... your job and your marriage
probably still have a few good years in them. But it
never hurts to keep your resume polished.
By:Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant
www.articles-hub.com/index.ph?article=90016&highlite=marriage
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
we approached it that way.
Think about the similarities: In order to get a job or
a spouse, you dress up, behave unnaturally, and hide
those little things that might be a deal-breaker, like
your prison record or the fact that you save your
cat's hair in baggies. Once you've achieved your
objective, whether it's getting hired or walking down
the aisle, both have a "honeymoon period," where no
one really expects you to buckle down and get to work
right away. Usually there's less sex on the job than
in the marriage, unless you've chosen porn as your
field or married someone sixty years your senior.
And anyone who has been married longer than Renee
Zellwegger and Kenny Chesney can tell you that once
you've gotten past the interview and the honeymoon
period, everyday married life can be just as boring
and frustrating as the 9 to 5 world. There are power
struggles to determine who is the alpha dog (which can
be confounded in marriage if there actually is a dog),
budget cuts, people behaving like children (they may,
in the case of marriage, BE children), changes in
management, walk-outs, etc. There isn't a married
person in the world who hasn't dreamed of not clocking
in for a day (or a week or a month).
Why is it then that with all their similarities that
when someone decides to change jobs, we admire their
ambition and encourage them to follow their bliss, but
if someone makes the same choice about a spouse, we
feel sad and disappointed? Why do we say "failed
marriage" but not "failed occupation?"
I'm not talking about quickie jobs and divorces, but
those things we've poured ourselves into, learned our
lessons, and decided to move on from. Jobs and
marriages are ways of learning about ourselves and our
needs.
I myself have had three occupations and three husbands
(in both cases, I still have the third). My first job
out of college, I was an "Economic Analyst" for a bank
corporation. I know that sound so 80's and it was. But
the fancy title was cover for the fact that I was
basically just an underpaid researcher who had to run
computer models before the actual invention of
computer. Okay, the computer had been invented, but at
the bank we were still using the abacus and slide
rule.
I managed to stay at this job for eighteen months, and
during that time I learned a few things about myself:
(1) I didn't enjoy working for people who take credit
for my work, (2) I really hate wearing panty hose and
heels every day, and (3) Bosses who criticize your job
performance in their office then feel you up in the
elevator are fairly easy to get a good letter of
references from, especially if you know the guys who
run the elevator video camera (yes, the bank did have
those).
lasted ten years in my first marriage. We met in high
school, married right out of college and moved across
country twice. I quit work and went to grad school. He
quit work and formed his own computer company, making
$100 an hour, which was real money in the 80s. I was
making about $6 an hour. I learned from my first
marriage job that anyone who values me based on my
income isn't someone I can sleep with for more than a
decade. Hey, I have a long learning curve.
Job number two, I was a health educator who eventually
ran a wellness program for a major university. There
were things about the job I just loved and other
things that made me want to spit in someone's food.
Unfortunately, that wasn't a perk of the job. This is
the job that taught me to be self-reliant,
independent, capable of doing a lot with very little,
and to value outrageousness in myself and others.
Husband number two was twenty-three when I met him in
a bar. I was thirty-two. Did I mention the
outrageousness factor? I made more money than he did,
had had more sex than he'd had, and weighed more than
he did. None of those turned out to be good things. I
learned from him that I prefer to be the girl in the
relationship at least half the time.
So I'm three for three now. I write and perform
comedy. No one tells me when to get up or what to
wear. No one feels me up on the job, not even the UPS
man, not even when I beg. My co-workers are dogs, so
the back-biting is literal instead of figurative. I
like that. My current husband is slightly older and
grayer than me, weighs more, and spends a lot of time
sleeping, especially if there's nothing good on TV or
I've dared to serve him a meatless entrée again in
order to reduce his cholesterol.
Life goes on. And as long as you're learning
something... anything... your job and your marriage
probably still have a few good years in them. But it
never hurts to keep your resume polished.
By:Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant
www.articles-hub.com/index.ph?article=90016&highlite=marriage
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
Monday, December 3, 2007
How We Sabotage Ourselves and What to Do About it
Everyone wants to be beautiful, young, healthy and fit. There is no end to the diets, workouts and health plans. Yet the most important diet of all has been overlooked. This is a diet that releases stress, relaxes muscles, offers sound sleep, diminishes appetite, and makes you look and feel younger; it brings you new friends, a happy work environment, good relationships, and adds years to your life.
This is the diet from anger– one of the worst plagues facing our nation.Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans. Road rage, workplace violence, school shootings, domestic abuse and addiction are just a few of its many outlets.
The reason such a huge proportion of our nation is on anti-depressants, involved in alcohol, and drug addiction, overweight, in broken relationships and involved in all kinds of destructive behavior, can be directly traced back to the effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind.
It has also been well documented that anger strongly affects physical health and is directly related to heart attacks, blood pressure, back pain and many other physical disorders. This is called symptom substitution.
We also turn our anger against ourselves in other ways. We become depressed or experience mood disorders, hopelessness, passive aggressive behavior, promiscuity, domestic abuse and many other forms of general misery. Sometimes anger converts itself into obsessive-compulsive disorders and individuals become unable to make decisions or choices about their lives.
Anger is ruthless in the course it takes, attacking and disrupting our body, minds and spirits. As school and workplace shootings rise, the divorce rate climbs, people are on increasing anti-depressants.
It is clear that anger is a societal problem, which is only growing worse. It is time we paid attention to the #1 terrorist we face: the anger we live with every day.
At the present time many of individuals in our society are dependent upon medication of all kinds. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, weight loss supplements, low blood pressure medication, blood thinners and antibiotics of many kinds are taken to ease the many symptoms of unhappiness, unbalance and disease we suffer from.
On the face of it the symptoms seem to differ from one another. If we look a little deeper, however, we can see that beneath the various forms of distress that appear, anger is quietly smoldering.
Today we fear many external enemies. It is not so easy to realize, however, that the worst enemy we face is this anger that resides within, the terror it causes us, and the ways in which this poison dictates so much of our lives.
Anger has many faces. It appears in many forms and creates different consequences. Anger that is overt and clear cut is the simplest to deal with and understand. When we or someone we know is openly angry, we know what we are up against and can directly address the cause.
Most anger lurks beneath the surface, however. It often does not even come to our awareness and manifests in endless, hidden ways - as depression, anxiety, apathy, hopelessness, and in many, many other forms.
It is crucial that we recognize anger for what it is, realize when it is appearing and notice the devastation it creates. Then we have an opportunity to root out this underground stream feeds our misery, and the misery we cause others. When anger is allowed to remain camouflaged it holds us in its grip and easily erodes the entire quality of our lives.
What To Do:
Just as we work out daily in the gym to strengthen muscles and attain flexibility, it is necessary to work out and strengthen the parts of ourselves that can recognize and release anger easily.
We must learn to give up the various forms of anger and replace them with a healthy antidote. Some healthy antidotes to anger include: letting go of blame, forgiveness, generosity, seeing the best in others, letting the other be right, (just for today), giving others the benefit of the doubt.
Choose one antidote and work with it for an entire day. Then choose another. You will begin to feel so good, you won’t want to go back to the old ways.
As we daily eliminate the toxicity anger provides to our systems, not only will the results be reflected in our mental and emotional well-being, but in our environment and physical health as well. Eventually it will become impossible for anger to maintain the hold it once had upon them.
All teachings encourage us to be forgiving, but there is little actual instruction on how to accomplish this. Each of the antidotes listed above will help you along the way. Anger is the great impediment to forgiveness. When anger is rooted out, love and forgiveness arise naturally. Our lives and the lives of those around us then become hallowed and become all they are meant to be.
http://www.articlesbase.com/authors/brenda-shoshanna/20471.htm
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
This is the diet from anger– one of the worst plagues facing our nation.Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans. Road rage, workplace violence, school shootings, domestic abuse and addiction are just a few of its many outlets.
The reason such a huge proportion of our nation is on anti-depressants, involved in alcohol, and drug addiction, overweight, in broken relationships and involved in all kinds of destructive behavior, can be directly traced back to the effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind.
It has also been well documented that anger strongly affects physical health and is directly related to heart attacks, blood pressure, back pain and many other physical disorders. This is called symptom substitution.
We also turn our anger against ourselves in other ways. We become depressed or experience mood disorders, hopelessness, passive aggressive behavior, promiscuity, domestic abuse and many other forms of general misery. Sometimes anger converts itself into obsessive-compulsive disorders and individuals become unable to make decisions or choices about their lives.
Anger is ruthless in the course it takes, attacking and disrupting our body, minds and spirits. As school and workplace shootings rise, the divorce rate climbs, people are on increasing anti-depressants.
It is clear that anger is a societal problem, which is only growing worse. It is time we paid attention to the #1 terrorist we face: the anger we live with every day.
At the present time many of individuals in our society are dependent upon medication of all kinds. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, weight loss supplements, low blood pressure medication, blood thinners and antibiotics of many kinds are taken to ease the many symptoms of unhappiness, unbalance and disease we suffer from.
On the face of it the symptoms seem to differ from one another. If we look a little deeper, however, we can see that beneath the various forms of distress that appear, anger is quietly smoldering.
Today we fear many external enemies. It is not so easy to realize, however, that the worst enemy we face is this anger that resides within, the terror it causes us, and the ways in which this poison dictates so much of our lives.
Anger has many faces. It appears in many forms and creates different consequences. Anger that is overt and clear cut is the simplest to deal with and understand. When we or someone we know is openly angry, we know what we are up against and can directly address the cause.
Most anger lurks beneath the surface, however. It often does not even come to our awareness and manifests in endless, hidden ways - as depression, anxiety, apathy, hopelessness, and in many, many other forms.
It is crucial that we recognize anger for what it is, realize when it is appearing and notice the devastation it creates. Then we have an opportunity to root out this underground stream feeds our misery, and the misery we cause others. When anger is allowed to remain camouflaged it holds us in its grip and easily erodes the entire quality of our lives.
What To Do:
Just as we work out daily in the gym to strengthen muscles and attain flexibility, it is necessary to work out and strengthen the parts of ourselves that can recognize and release anger easily.
We must learn to give up the various forms of anger and replace them with a healthy antidote. Some healthy antidotes to anger include: letting go of blame, forgiveness, generosity, seeing the best in others, letting the other be right, (just for today), giving others the benefit of the doubt.
Choose one antidote and work with it for an entire day. Then choose another. You will begin to feel so good, you won’t want to go back to the old ways.
As we daily eliminate the toxicity anger provides to our systems, not only will the results be reflected in our mental and emotional well-being, but in our environment and physical health as well. Eventually it will become impossible for anger to maintain the hold it once had upon them.
All teachings encourage us to be forgiving, but there is little actual instruction on how to accomplish this. Each of the antidotes listed above will help you along the way. Anger is the great impediment to forgiveness. When anger is rooted out, love and forgiveness arise naturally. Our lives and the lives of those around us then become hallowed and become all they are meant to be.
http://www.articlesbase.com/authors/brenda-shoshanna/20471.htm
Sourced By:TheSAMIGroup.com
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