Study Shows Meditation May Activate the Brain to Learn Empathy
By Jennifer Warner
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 26, 2008 -- Practice may make perfect when it comes to kindness and compassion.
A new study shows practicing kindness and compassion through regular meditation actually activates the brain and makes people more empathetic to others.
It's the first study to use functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to analyze the effects of compassion meditation on brain activity. The results suggest that people can train themselves to be more compassionate just as they'd train themselves to play a musical instrument.
Researchers say the study also suggests that practicing compassion meditation may also be a useful tool in preventing bullying, violence, aggression, and depression by altering brain activity to make people more empathetic to other peoples' emotions.
"We can take advantage of our brain's plasticity and train it to enhance these qualities," says researcher Antione Lutz, associate scientist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, in a news release. "Thinking about other people's suffering and not just your own helps to put everything in perspective."
Teaching the Brain Empathy
Participating in the study were 16 Tibetan monks experienced in meditation and a comparison group of 16 people with no prior experience in meditation. People in the comparison group were taught the fundamentals of compassion meditation two weeks prior to the study.
During the study, researchers used fMRI to measure the response of the participants' brains to a variety of neutral or negative sounds, such as a distressed woman, a baby laughing, or background restaurant noise.
During the session, researchers took separate scans of the brain when the participants heard the sounds during a meditative and neutral state.
The scans showed significant increases in activity in the portion of the brain known as the insula, which plays a key role in emotion, in experienced meditators when they were exposed to negative emotional sounds. There was less increase in activity during exposure to neutral or positive sounds. The strength of brain activity was also related to the intensity of the meditation reported by the participants.
"The insula is extremely important in detecting emotions in general and specifically in mapping bodily responses to emotion -- such as heart rate and blood pressure -- and making that information available to other parts of the brain," says researcher Richard Davidson, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, in the news release.
Brain activity also increased in other brain areas believed to be important in processing empathy, such as perceiving the mental and emotional state of others.
"Both of these areas have been linked to emotion sharing and empathy," Davidson says. "The combination of these two effects, which was much more noticeable in the expert meditators as opposed to the novices, was very powerful."
Sourced by :TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20080326/brain-learns-compassion-via-meditation
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Why So Many Arguments?
Moms, Tots Argue 20 Times an Hour
It's Not Just the Temperamental Toddlers Who Clash With Mom, Study Shows
By Miranda Hitti
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 25, 2008 -- Mothers and their toddlers argue 20-25 times per hour on average, a new study shows.
Sixty moms and their children took part. The moms and kids were studied twice: when the children were 30 months old and again six months later.
First, the moms took their 30-month-old children to the researchers' lab. The researchers videotaped each pair during playtime (with the moms enforcing rules about toys), while the moms read to and talked with their children, and as the kids worked on puzzles that were too hard for their age.
In short, the researchers loaded the lab session with fodder for parent-child conflicts. The kids couldn't get certain toys they wanted, and the puzzle task was designed to be frustrating. All in all, there were plenty of opportunities for meltdowns all around.
When the kids were 36 months old, their moms tape-recorded their interactions with that child just before and during dinner time. The point was to get an idea of how the moms and toddlers interact in their home, not in an unfamiliar lab.
"Mothers and toddlers were arguing on average between 20-25 times an hour at both assessment periods," write Lehigh University's Deborah Laible, PhD, and colleagues.
That average is based on a wide range of hourly quarrels, from a low of four conflicts per hour to a high of 55 arguments per hour. Remember, the moms and kids were only studied during times when conflict was likely; they probably didn't clash like that around the clock.
Those conflicts were more likely to get resolved without major drama if the kids had a good relationship with their mother and weren't especially temperamental, active, or impulsive, according to surveys completed by the moms.
Those factors didn't affect the frequency of the mother-child conflicts. Such conflicts are normal and frequent during the toddler and early preschool years, Laible's team writes.
Their study appears in the March/April 2008 issue of Child Development.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup
SOURCES:http://children.webmd.com/news/20080325/moms-tots-argue-20-times-an-hour?ecd=wnl_prg_032708&print=true
Laible, D. Child Development, March/April 2008; vol 79: pp 426-443.
News release, Society for Research in Child Development.
© 2008 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
It's Not Just the Temperamental Toddlers Who Clash With Mom, Study Shows
By Miranda Hitti
WebMD Medical NewsReviewed by Louise Chang, MDMarch 25, 2008 -- Mothers and their toddlers argue 20-25 times per hour on average, a new study shows.
Sixty moms and their children took part. The moms and kids were studied twice: when the children were 30 months old and again six months later.
First, the moms took their 30-month-old children to the researchers' lab. The researchers videotaped each pair during playtime (with the moms enforcing rules about toys), while the moms read to and talked with their children, and as the kids worked on puzzles that were too hard for their age.
In short, the researchers loaded the lab session with fodder for parent-child conflicts. The kids couldn't get certain toys they wanted, and the puzzle task was designed to be frustrating. All in all, there were plenty of opportunities for meltdowns all around.
When the kids were 36 months old, their moms tape-recorded their interactions with that child just before and during dinner time. The point was to get an idea of how the moms and toddlers interact in their home, not in an unfamiliar lab.
"Mothers and toddlers were arguing on average between 20-25 times an hour at both assessment periods," write Lehigh University's Deborah Laible, PhD, and colleagues.
That average is based on a wide range of hourly quarrels, from a low of four conflicts per hour to a high of 55 arguments per hour. Remember, the moms and kids were only studied during times when conflict was likely; they probably didn't clash like that around the clock.
Those conflicts were more likely to get resolved without major drama if the kids had a good relationship with their mother and weren't especially temperamental, active, or impulsive, according to surveys completed by the moms.
Those factors didn't affect the frequency of the mother-child conflicts. Such conflicts are normal and frequent during the toddler and early preschool years, Laible's team writes.
Their study appears in the March/April 2008 issue of Child Development.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup
SOURCES:http://children.webmd.com/news/20080325/moms-tots-argue-20-times-an-hour?ecd=wnl_prg_032708&print=true
Laible, D. Child Development, March/April 2008; vol 79: pp 426-443.
News release, Society for Research in Child Development.
© 2008 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Being assertive: Reduce stress and communicate better through assertiveness
Assertiveness can help control stress and anger and improve coping skills for mental illnesses. Learn assertive behavior with these steps.
Being assertive is a core communication skill. It means that you stand up for yourself, express yourself effectively and prevent others from taking advantage of you. Being assertive helps boost self-confidence and may help you win respect from others. It can also help control stress and anger.
So if being assertive is so useful and healthy, why is it often so hard to achieve? And how can you become more assertive?
Understanding assertive communication
People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. For many people, communication style becomes such an ingrained habit that they're not even aware of how they're communicating. And they tend to stick to the same style even when it's ineffective or harmful.
In the majority of situations, being assertive is most effective. Assertive communication revolves around mutual respect — giving and getting respect. Assertiveness shows self-respect because it means that you stand up for your personal rights, protect your self-interests and express your feelings, needs and ideas in a way that is honest and direct.
It's not just what you say — your message — but how you say it that's important. If you communicate in a way that's passive or aggressive, the content of your message may be completely lost because the people you are communicating with are too busy reacting to your delivery. Assertive communication gives you the best chance to deliver your message successfully.
Assertive vs. passive behavior
Passive communication shows a lack of respect for your own rights. It gives others the opportunity to disregard your wants and needs. For instance, you say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project while he or she goes on vacation, even though you're already behind and this means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Or you routinely say something such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." The message you communicate is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of others.
You may tell yourself that behaving passively simply keeps the peace and prevents conflicts. But what it really does is get in the way of authentic relationships. And worse, it may cause you a lot of internal conflict because your needs and your family's needs come second. This internal conflict may lead to:
*Stress
*Health issues such as high blood pressure
*Seething anger
*Feelings of victimization
*Passive-aggressive behavior
*Secret desires to exact revenge
Assertive vs. aggressive behavior
Aggression is assertiveness gone bad. Aggressive people disregard the needs, feelings and opinions of others. They may feel or act self-righteous or superior. They may bully others, humiliate them, degrade them or even act physically threatening.
Aggression doesn't foster mutual respect. Instead, it indicates a desire for power and domination — winning at the other person's expense. Someone who's aggressive may get too close to you, point his or her finger at you, yell, shove you, and tell you that your opinion doesn't matter.
The benefits of being assertive
Assertive behavior is useful on a daily basis in a variety of situations, including at home, at work, running errands and virtually any place where you interact with other people.
Being assertive offers many powerful benefits. It moves you from being a passive player in your own life to directing and controlling your life. When you're passive, you allow others to violate your rights — to walk all over you, as the saying goes.
In contrast, behaving assertively can help you:
*Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
*Understand and recognize your feelings
*Earn respect from others
*Improve communication
*Create win-win situations
*Improve your decision-making skills
*Create honest relationships
*Gain more job satisfaction
Some research studies suggest that being assertive also can help people cope better with many mental health problems, including depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia.
Learning to be more assertive
Some people appear naturally assertive. But if you tend to be more passive, you can learn assertiveness skills with a little practice. And if you tend to be aggressive, you can learn how to tone down your communication style.
Here are some steps in assertiveness training you can try on your own:
*Honestly assess your communication style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional chores or tasks even when your plate is already full? Do others consider you to act on the aggressive or passive side? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do others seem to dread or fear talking to you?
*Use assertive language. Use "I" statements so that others know what you're thinking and you don't sound accusatory or blaming. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." Don't beat around the bush — be direct. If you have a hard time turning down requests, simply say, "No, I can't do that now." Give a brief explanation, if appropriate.
*Rehearse what you want to say. If you have a particular issue in mind, focus on that. Otherwise, rehearse typical scenarios you encounter. For instance, if you want to ask for a raise, practice what you want to say. It may help to write a script. Say it out loud. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.
*Remember your body language. Assertive communication isn't just verbal. It also involves body language. Act as if you're confident even if you aren't. Keep an upright posture but lean forward a bit. Hold eye contact. Respect the other person's personal space — don't get too close. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice in front of a mirror.
*Keep your emotions in check. You may be full of pent-up anger and frustration. Some people may cry when faced with conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then, remain calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
*Start with small wins. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, you may want to try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach, if necessary.
When you need extra help being assertive
Remember, being assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. On the flip side, if you're driven to aggressive communication because of anger issues, you can learn anger management tips to help cool down.
But if you do rehearse and aim for small wins yet still don't seem to achieve your goals, consider formal assertiveness training. And if you simply feel too overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or angry to cope on your own, consider talking to a mental health provider. Working on these skills with a professional can be both fun and empowering.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042
Being assertive is a core communication skill. It means that you stand up for yourself, express yourself effectively and prevent others from taking advantage of you. Being assertive helps boost self-confidence and may help you win respect from others. It can also help control stress and anger.
So if being assertive is so useful and healthy, why is it often so hard to achieve? And how can you become more assertive?
Understanding assertive communication
People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. For many people, communication style becomes such an ingrained habit that they're not even aware of how they're communicating. And they tend to stick to the same style even when it's ineffective or harmful.
In the majority of situations, being assertive is most effective. Assertive communication revolves around mutual respect — giving and getting respect. Assertiveness shows self-respect because it means that you stand up for your personal rights, protect your self-interests and express your feelings, needs and ideas in a way that is honest and direct.
It's not just what you say — your message — but how you say it that's important. If you communicate in a way that's passive or aggressive, the content of your message may be completely lost because the people you are communicating with are too busy reacting to your delivery. Assertive communication gives you the best chance to deliver your message successfully.
Assertive vs. passive behavior
Passive communication shows a lack of respect for your own rights. It gives others the opportunity to disregard your wants and needs. For instance, you say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project while he or she goes on vacation, even though you're already behind and this means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Or you routinely say something such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." The message you communicate is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of others.
You may tell yourself that behaving passively simply keeps the peace and prevents conflicts. But what it really does is get in the way of authentic relationships. And worse, it may cause you a lot of internal conflict because your needs and your family's needs come second. This internal conflict may lead to:
*Stress
*Health issues such as high blood pressure
*Seething anger
*Feelings of victimization
*Passive-aggressive behavior
*Secret desires to exact revenge
Assertive vs. aggressive behavior
Aggression is assertiveness gone bad. Aggressive people disregard the needs, feelings and opinions of others. They may feel or act self-righteous or superior. They may bully others, humiliate them, degrade them or even act physically threatening.
Aggression doesn't foster mutual respect. Instead, it indicates a desire for power and domination — winning at the other person's expense. Someone who's aggressive may get too close to you, point his or her finger at you, yell, shove you, and tell you that your opinion doesn't matter.
The benefits of being assertive
Assertive behavior is useful on a daily basis in a variety of situations, including at home, at work, running errands and virtually any place where you interact with other people.
Being assertive offers many powerful benefits. It moves you from being a passive player in your own life to directing and controlling your life. When you're passive, you allow others to violate your rights — to walk all over you, as the saying goes.
In contrast, behaving assertively can help you:
*Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
*Understand and recognize your feelings
*Earn respect from others
*Improve communication
*Create win-win situations
*Improve your decision-making skills
*Create honest relationships
*Gain more job satisfaction
Some research studies suggest that being assertive also can help people cope better with many mental health problems, including depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia.
Learning to be more assertive
Some people appear naturally assertive. But if you tend to be more passive, you can learn assertiveness skills with a little practice. And if you tend to be aggressive, you can learn how to tone down your communication style.
Here are some steps in assertiveness training you can try on your own:
*Honestly assess your communication style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional chores or tasks even when your plate is already full? Do others consider you to act on the aggressive or passive side? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do others seem to dread or fear talking to you?
*Use assertive language. Use "I" statements so that others know what you're thinking and you don't sound accusatory or blaming. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." Don't beat around the bush — be direct. If you have a hard time turning down requests, simply say, "No, I can't do that now." Give a brief explanation, if appropriate.
*Rehearse what you want to say. If you have a particular issue in mind, focus on that. Otherwise, rehearse typical scenarios you encounter. For instance, if you want to ask for a raise, practice what you want to say. It may help to write a script. Say it out loud. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.
*Remember your body language. Assertive communication isn't just verbal. It also involves body language. Act as if you're confident even if you aren't. Keep an upright posture but lean forward a bit. Hold eye contact. Respect the other person's personal space — don't get too close. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice in front of a mirror.
*Keep your emotions in check. You may be full of pent-up anger and frustration. Some people may cry when faced with conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then, remain calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
*Start with small wins. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, you may want to try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach, if necessary.
When you need extra help being assertive
Remember, being assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. On the flip side, if you're driven to aggressive communication because of anger issues, you can learn anger management tips to help cool down.
But if you do rehearse and aim for small wins yet still don't seem to achieve your goals, consider formal assertiveness training. And if you simply feel too overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or angry to cope on your own, consider talking to a mental health provider. Working on these skills with a professional can be both fun and empowering.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Stress Management
Everyone experiences stress from time to time, so it is perfectly normal. However, normal doesn't necessarily mean healthy. Nor is it inevitable! Believe it or not, you can learn how to largely eliminate stress. I don't mean eliminate the pressures in your life - those will probably persist. The way I think of it, pressure is what is happening to you, but stress is how you react to those pressures. So, you can keep the pressure and get rid of the stress.
A good example of this comes from the study of stress in executives. Several studies have shown that low and middle level executives show many stress symptoms, like ulcers, high blood pressure, tension, burnout and so on. Top executives, however, as a group show much fewer stress signs. There are exceptions in both directions, of course. Why do big wigs show fewer signs of stress? There may be many reasons, like more control over their lives, but it is hard to believe they don't have pressures. So why don't they get as stressed out? Probably the main reason is that they are either naturally stress resistant or have learned how to handle the pressure without letting it eat them up. It's like the old saying, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen".
Fortunately, stress management is largely a learnable skill. Most people can learn how to take the heat in their lives. Before we talk about how, let's consider what stress is in more detail. The way I think of it, stress is a "false alarm". What I mean is that it is the erroneous activation of the "danger alarm" system of the brain. I visualize it as a big red fire alarm inside the head. This is a system we are all born with and it is a good thing to have. However, the biological purpose of this system is to help prepare us for dealing with real, physical danger. When the danger alarm is turned on, it produces a physiological response called the "fight or flight" reaction, which helps us to fight the danger or flee it.
When you are in real, immediate physical danger, it is appropriate to feel afraid. Getting your body charged up with adrenaline may well help to keep you alive. However, most of the time when we feel stressed, there is no immediate danger, so it is a false alarm. The fire alarm is sounding, but there is no fire!
So how do you learn how to manage stress? There are basically two main ways:
*Learn how to turn off the alarm system through various relaxation methods.
*Learn how to not turn it on inadvertently in the first place.
Relaxation methods work on the idea that you can't be relaxed and uptight at the same time. Basically, anything you do that is the opposite of what the danger alarm system does will tend to shut it off. Some examples include:
Deep breathing - taking deep, slow breaths rather than the shallow, fast breathing we feel when we are stressed. This really works physiologically to help shut off the danger alarm.
Muscular relaxation - tensing and relaxing various muscle groups can work wonders. Try your neck and shoulders, your shoulder blades, your forehead and eyes, tensing these groups for a few seconds, then relaxing them. You can also combine this with deep breathing by inhaling while you tense, then exhaling when you relax the muscles. There are more sophisticated versions of these muscular methods, like the shower of relaxation and progressive relaxation.
Visualization - imagine a very peaceful scene, like laying on the beach, out in a fishing boat on a lake, in a mountain cabin or whatever. It can be a real place or you can make it up. Try to invoke all your senses as you imagine being in this very peaceful, relaxing place. What do you see? What sounds are there? What sensations of touch, temperature or smell? For example, you might imagine the sun on your skin, the cool breeze on your forehead, the salt tang of the ocean, the grit of the sand.
Try all these methods and see which works better for you. Some people do better with muscular methods, others with visualization. All these can be learned quite readily and often work very well.
In the long run, however, it is better to learn how to avoid getting stressed out in the first place. So how do you do that? Well, the clue is in the visualization method. Thinking peaceful thoughts makes you feel relaxed. In imagining a peaceful place, you have also distracted yourself from whatever thoughts you were having before. This points out the basic premise of cognitive/behavioral psychology, that our feelings and behaviors are largely caused by our own thoughts. This is oversimplified, because there are many feedback loops that make the connection between thoughts, feelings and behaviors sort of like a chicken and egg problem. But the simple version of the cognitive theory is that peaceful thoughts cause relaxation and stressful thoughts cause stress.
In other words, the reason we get stressed out is not what is happening to us and not what happened in the past (at least not directly), but rather, how we are thinking about what is happening. Past experience does influence us strongly, but the medium of that influence is beliefs or thoughts. For example, if you were abused as a child, you might have developed the belief that you are worthless. It is this belief today that is making you feel depressed, not the fact of the abuse itself. This is a really neat, powerful idea because it means we can overcome the bad experiences of the past. It means we have power over ourselves, so we don't have to be victims of the past or of present circumstances!
The best way to manage stress is to learn to change anxiety to concern. Concern means you are motivated to take care of real problems in your life, but your danger alarm system is not erroneously activated. Changing your feelings is largely a matter of learning to identify and change the upsetting thoughts that are the immediate and proximate cause of upset emotions.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.cyberpsych.com/stress.html
A good example of this comes from the study of stress in executives. Several studies have shown that low and middle level executives show many stress symptoms, like ulcers, high blood pressure, tension, burnout and so on. Top executives, however, as a group show much fewer stress signs. There are exceptions in both directions, of course. Why do big wigs show fewer signs of stress? There may be many reasons, like more control over their lives, but it is hard to believe they don't have pressures. So why don't they get as stressed out? Probably the main reason is that they are either naturally stress resistant or have learned how to handle the pressure without letting it eat them up. It's like the old saying, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen".
Fortunately, stress management is largely a learnable skill. Most people can learn how to take the heat in their lives. Before we talk about how, let's consider what stress is in more detail. The way I think of it, stress is a "false alarm". What I mean is that it is the erroneous activation of the "danger alarm" system of the brain. I visualize it as a big red fire alarm inside the head. This is a system we are all born with and it is a good thing to have. However, the biological purpose of this system is to help prepare us for dealing with real, physical danger. When the danger alarm is turned on, it produces a physiological response called the "fight or flight" reaction, which helps us to fight the danger or flee it.
When you are in real, immediate physical danger, it is appropriate to feel afraid. Getting your body charged up with adrenaline may well help to keep you alive. However, most of the time when we feel stressed, there is no immediate danger, so it is a false alarm. The fire alarm is sounding, but there is no fire!
So how do you learn how to manage stress? There are basically two main ways:
*Learn how to turn off the alarm system through various relaxation methods.
*Learn how to not turn it on inadvertently in the first place.
Relaxation methods work on the idea that you can't be relaxed and uptight at the same time. Basically, anything you do that is the opposite of what the danger alarm system does will tend to shut it off. Some examples include:
Deep breathing - taking deep, slow breaths rather than the shallow, fast breathing we feel when we are stressed. This really works physiologically to help shut off the danger alarm.
Muscular relaxation - tensing and relaxing various muscle groups can work wonders. Try your neck and shoulders, your shoulder blades, your forehead and eyes, tensing these groups for a few seconds, then relaxing them. You can also combine this with deep breathing by inhaling while you tense, then exhaling when you relax the muscles. There are more sophisticated versions of these muscular methods, like the shower of relaxation and progressive relaxation.
Visualization - imagine a very peaceful scene, like laying on the beach, out in a fishing boat on a lake, in a mountain cabin or whatever. It can be a real place or you can make it up. Try to invoke all your senses as you imagine being in this very peaceful, relaxing place. What do you see? What sounds are there? What sensations of touch, temperature or smell? For example, you might imagine the sun on your skin, the cool breeze on your forehead, the salt tang of the ocean, the grit of the sand.
Try all these methods and see which works better for you. Some people do better with muscular methods, others with visualization. All these can be learned quite readily and often work very well.
In the long run, however, it is better to learn how to avoid getting stressed out in the first place. So how do you do that? Well, the clue is in the visualization method. Thinking peaceful thoughts makes you feel relaxed. In imagining a peaceful place, you have also distracted yourself from whatever thoughts you were having before. This points out the basic premise of cognitive/behavioral psychology, that our feelings and behaviors are largely caused by our own thoughts. This is oversimplified, because there are many feedback loops that make the connection between thoughts, feelings and behaviors sort of like a chicken and egg problem. But the simple version of the cognitive theory is that peaceful thoughts cause relaxation and stressful thoughts cause stress.
In other words, the reason we get stressed out is not what is happening to us and not what happened in the past (at least not directly), but rather, how we are thinking about what is happening. Past experience does influence us strongly, but the medium of that influence is beliefs or thoughts. For example, if you were abused as a child, you might have developed the belief that you are worthless. It is this belief today that is making you feel depressed, not the fact of the abuse itself. This is a really neat, powerful idea because it means we can overcome the bad experiences of the past. It means we have power over ourselves, so we don't have to be victims of the past or of present circumstances!
The best way to manage stress is to learn to change anxiety to concern. Concern means you are motivated to take care of real problems in your life, but your danger alarm system is not erroneously activated. Changing your feelings is largely a matter of learning to identify and change the upsetting thoughts that are the immediate and proximate cause of upset emotions.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.cyberpsych.com/stress.html
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Stress and Anger Management
by Jackson, Buddy
Anutza Bellissimo explained her methods to transfer anger and stress into personal power and success. She had us all repeat after her "I am a genius and I use my wisdom daily". We need to learn how to use our genius to change the way we deal with situations that bring stress and anger into our lives. She advised us to gain control by letting go and to follow our intuitive gut feelings. Unhealthy relationships are most often due to communications breakdowns so we should discuss problems and not suppress our emotions. Be more aware of body language as it represents 80% of communication.
More about Anutza
Anutza Bellissimo, CAMF
Director of the Stress & Anger Management Institute, LLC, Author, Speaker, and Executive Coach
Specialties:
Teaching effective inter-personal communications tools, strategies and techniques
Coaching executives through professional transition.
Providing stress and anger management education to executives and staff
Anutza Bellissimo is an Educator and Executive Coach in psycho-education; communication skills, emotional intelligence, stress management and anger management. She specializes in the use of innovative educational tools and curriculums to bring about a user-friendly approach to both stress and anger management education and effective personal communications skills. Over the last decade, Anutza has worked with leaders, executives and decision makers to gain clarity while working through difficult transition points in their careers, offering proven strategies for personal empowerment in challenging situations. Anutza has a simple personal goal: to demonstrate her commitment to her clients through integrity and providing education to help individuals and their companies to grow professionally, culturally and financially. Her clients include executives from Honeywell, Grubb & Ellis, Northup & Grumman, VH1, Office Depot, E!Network, and others. She holds a number of certifications, some of which are: executive coaching, diplomat in executive anger management, executive stress and anger management, and motivational interviewing.
Visit their website: www.TheSAMIGroup.com
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.clubrunner.ca/CPrg/Bulletin/SendBulletinEmail.aspx?cid=2534
Anutza Bellissimo explained her methods to transfer anger and stress into personal power and success. She had us all repeat after her "I am a genius and I use my wisdom daily". We need to learn how to use our genius to change the way we deal with situations that bring stress and anger into our lives. She advised us to gain control by letting go and to follow our intuitive gut feelings. Unhealthy relationships are most often due to communications breakdowns so we should discuss problems and not suppress our emotions. Be more aware of body language as it represents 80% of communication.
More about Anutza
Anutza Bellissimo, CAMF
Director of the Stress & Anger Management Institute, LLC, Author, Speaker, and Executive Coach
Specialties:
Teaching effective inter-personal communications tools, strategies and techniques
Coaching executives through professional transition.
Providing stress and anger management education to executives and staff
Anutza Bellissimo is an Educator and Executive Coach in psycho-education; communication skills, emotional intelligence, stress management and anger management. She specializes in the use of innovative educational tools and curriculums to bring about a user-friendly approach to both stress and anger management education and effective personal communications skills. Over the last decade, Anutza has worked with leaders, executives and decision makers to gain clarity while working through difficult transition points in their careers, offering proven strategies for personal empowerment in challenging situations. Anutza has a simple personal goal: to demonstrate her commitment to her clients through integrity and providing education to help individuals and their companies to grow professionally, culturally and financially. Her clients include executives from Honeywell, Grubb & Ellis, Northup & Grumman, VH1, Office Depot, E!Network, and others. She holds a number of certifications, some of which are: executive coaching, diplomat in executive anger management, executive stress and anger management, and motivational interviewing.
Visit their website: www.TheSAMIGroup.com
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.clubrunner.ca/CPrg/Bulletin/SendBulletinEmail.aspx?cid=2534
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Why Learn to Meditate
The purpose of meditation is to make our mind calm and peaceful. If our mind is peaceful, we will be free from worries and mental discomfort, and so we will experience true happiness; but if our mind is not peaceful, we will find it very difficult to be happy, even if we are living in the very best conditions. If we train in meditation, our mind will gradually become more and more peaceful, and we will experience a purer and purer form of happiness. Eventually, we will be able to stay happy all the time, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Usually we find it difficult to control our mind. It seems as if our mind is like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances. If things go well, our mind is happy, but if they go badly, it immediately becomes unhappy. For example, if we get what we want, such as a new possession or a new partner, we become excited and cling to them tightly. However, since we cannot have everything we want, and since we will inevitably be separated from the friends and possessions we currently enjoy, this mental stickiness, or attachment, serves only to cause us pain. On the other hand, if we do not get what we want, or if we lose something that we like, we become despondent or irritated. For example, if we are forced to work with a colleague whom we dislike, we will probably become irritated and feel aggrieved, with the result that we will be unable to work with him or her efficiently and our time at work will become stressful and unrewarding.
Such fluctuations of mood arise because we are too closely involved in the external situation. We are like a child making a sandcastle who is excited when it is first made, but who becomes upset when it is destroyed by the incoming tide. By training in meditation, we create an inner space and clarity that enables us to control our mind regardless of the external circumstances. Gradually we develop mental equilibrium, a balanced mind that is happy all the time, rather than an unbalanced mind that oscillates between the extremes of excitement and despondency.
If we train in meditation systematically, eventually we will be able to eradicate from our mind the delusions that are the causes of all our problems and suffering. In this way, we will come to experience a permanent inner peace, known as “liberation” or “nirvana”. Then, day and night in life after life, we will experience only peace and happiness.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.how-to-meditate.org/why-learn-to-meditate.htm/
Usually we find it difficult to control our mind. It seems as if our mind is like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances. If things go well, our mind is happy, but if they go badly, it immediately becomes unhappy. For example, if we get what we want, such as a new possession or a new partner, we become excited and cling to them tightly. However, since we cannot have everything we want, and since we will inevitably be separated from the friends and possessions we currently enjoy, this mental stickiness, or attachment, serves only to cause us pain. On the other hand, if we do not get what we want, or if we lose something that we like, we become despondent or irritated. For example, if we are forced to work with a colleague whom we dislike, we will probably become irritated and feel aggrieved, with the result that we will be unable to work with him or her efficiently and our time at work will become stressful and unrewarding.
Such fluctuations of mood arise because we are too closely involved in the external situation. We are like a child making a sandcastle who is excited when it is first made, but who becomes upset when it is destroyed by the incoming tide. By training in meditation, we create an inner space and clarity that enables us to control our mind regardless of the external circumstances. Gradually we develop mental equilibrium, a balanced mind that is happy all the time, rather than an unbalanced mind that oscillates between the extremes of excitement and despondency.
If we train in meditation systematically, eventually we will be able to eradicate from our mind the delusions that are the causes of all our problems and suffering. In this way, we will come to experience a permanent inner peace, known as “liberation” or “nirvana”. Then, day and night in life after life, we will experience only peace and happiness.
Sourced by:TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.how-to-meditate.org/why-learn-to-meditate.htm/
Monday, March 24, 2008
Managing Anger - Overcoming The Odds
Getting angry is a completely normal human response. However, it can occur in various degrees and frequencies, which is why managing anger is also important.
There are times when the emotion can be excessive or uncontrolled, in the sense that you can be affected even after issues have long been settled. Here is a brief overview and some great tips in managing anger.
The Types of Anger
Anger can be categorized into two: passive and aggressive. Managing anger can be very effective if you know how to identify and address the right type.
Passive anger can be shown in ways that lead to conflict, rather than directly starting it, as with manipulation, dispassion, secretive behavior, self-blame, increasing other people’s chances of failing, and apathy. It is also possible for you to experience conflict, but tend to ignore or let it linger, instead of finding a solution.
Aggressive anger is described as showing direct acts and thoughts or using verbalizations as a means of expressing intense emotions. You may resort to threats, destructiveness, violence, vulgarity, grandiosity, selfishness, rage, blaming others, and manic behavior. This is more evident and common than passive anger.
What To Do About Anger
There are so many ways to manage anger and you should learn to find the right strategies that help you resolve the main conflict, instead of simply finding temporary relief. The emotion should be controlled, then expressed in a healthy manner to successfully approach it.
Direct anger management is addressing the problem as it is and finding a relevant solution. Creative anger management involves finding new ways and looking at the idea in a whole new perspective. Passionate anger management is transforming negative input into something more useful and positive. Focused anger management is learning how to address the problem only and not tend to create unnecessary links. Honorable anger management is finding a just and proper solution, and then finding a moral basis for the emotion.
These are just some of the approaches of properly managing anger. You can also find other means and channels that best suit your emotional needs. Again, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry. It is completely natural and healthy, as long as it is expressed properly.
Sourced by :TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Managing_Anger_-_Overcoming_The_Odds.html
There are times when the emotion can be excessive or uncontrolled, in the sense that you can be affected even after issues have long been settled. Here is a brief overview and some great tips in managing anger.
The Types of Anger
Anger can be categorized into two: passive and aggressive. Managing anger can be very effective if you know how to identify and address the right type.
Passive anger can be shown in ways that lead to conflict, rather than directly starting it, as with manipulation, dispassion, secretive behavior, self-blame, increasing other people’s chances of failing, and apathy. It is also possible for you to experience conflict, but tend to ignore or let it linger, instead of finding a solution.
Aggressive anger is described as showing direct acts and thoughts or using verbalizations as a means of expressing intense emotions. You may resort to threats, destructiveness, violence, vulgarity, grandiosity, selfishness, rage, blaming others, and manic behavior. This is more evident and common than passive anger.
What To Do About Anger
There are so many ways to manage anger and you should learn to find the right strategies that help you resolve the main conflict, instead of simply finding temporary relief. The emotion should be controlled, then expressed in a healthy manner to successfully approach it.
Direct anger management is addressing the problem as it is and finding a relevant solution. Creative anger management involves finding new ways and looking at the idea in a whole new perspective. Passionate anger management is transforming negative input into something more useful and positive. Focused anger management is learning how to address the problem only and not tend to create unnecessary links. Honorable anger management is finding a just and proper solution, and then finding a moral basis for the emotion.
These are just some of the approaches of properly managing anger. You can also find other means and channels that best suit your emotional needs. Again, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry. It is completely natural and healthy, as long as it is expressed properly.
Sourced by :TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Managing_Anger_-_Overcoming_The_Odds.html
Sunday, March 23, 2008
ANGER TOOLS FOR FAMILIES
Anger is one of the most commonly reported problems in families today. It surfaces in a variety of forms, including domestic violence, child abuse, marital conflicts, sibling rivalry, and generational tensions. Why do we direct our anger at people we know and love? Part of the answer is hidden in the dynamics of the family itself. Other answers come from the hectic pace of contemporary family life and our own thinking.
A family is a complex emotional system where every member affects other members. Unless a person takes drastic measures to emotionally cut themselves off from the family or physically moves away; they cannot escape the power of the family over their behavior. It is this complexity and the fact that so much of family dynamics are outside of member's conscious awareness, that makes change difficult. Consequently, members feel helpless to change anger in the family.
Anger takes place in the family in three ways:
* It is inherent in family temperament
* It carries over from other stressful systems (such as work)
* It serves a specific function in the family
Temper, Temper!
A temperament is defined "as a persons customary manner of emotional response (Roget's II, The New Thesaurus)." Everyone knows someone they would describe as having a "temper." One member or more of the family can be moody, intense, reactive, and dislike change. These people could be said to have a feisty or difficult temperament. They have inherited a biology that reacts in a different manner to stressful life events. Temperament is not something that family members can completely change, but it is something that can be modified or adapted to.
Parents who understand this realize that they have not failed their children. They simply have a child with a different temperament. It also answers the question, for many parents, why they seem to have more discomfort relating to one child over another. The more dissimilar the temperament, between parent and child, the more difficult it is to understand and interact together. On the other hand, family members with similar temperaments may "rub" each other the wrong way. Two members with "tempers" will engage in more frequent arguments and power-struggles than would two members with flexible temperaments.
Displaced Anger
Another way that anger affects families is through displacement of anger from one system (i.e., work) to another system (i.e., home). Parents who had a rough day at work don't automatically shed their frustrations on the way home. They can bring it home and react to other family members in a hostile and abusive manner. One answer why family members direct their anger at people they know and love is that it is safer to vent with people they know will not abandon them. The boss may fire someone for venting at them or another employee. A teacher may give a student a bad report for acting out at school. But family members usually stick by you, even if you get angry. Unfortunately, chronic venting at loved one's will result in negative consequences. It breaks down members' ability to feel safe and trust one another.
Anger is Power
Anger has specific social functions that signal us when there is a need that is unfulfilled or a problem that needs solving. The earliest example of this, in families, is seen in the newborn. When the baby is hungry, hurt, or wet, it cries. If responses to its needs are not immediate, it can become angry. The baby will shake and scream until that need is met. Anger can be used to control other family members. The most common example of this is a small child throwing a "temper" tantrum. The purpose of the tantrum is to get mom or dad to comply with their wants. Older children and adults also throw tantrums. They use it to get children to comply or spouses to listen or siblings to leave them alone. While anger may be one way to gain control, in the short-term, it always back fires, destroying relationships, in the long-term.
Anger Toolbox
*Families do not have to continue to be victims of their own or other's anger.
They can use some simple tools to manage anger:
The first tool to managing anger is to take personal responsibility for it. Even if a member's anger is due to temperament or an overbearing boss, take responsibility for your reaction and what you do with that anger. The destructive root of family anger is blame. The blame game only has losers, no winners.
The second tool is to find safe and healthy ways to vent your anger. Give yourself more time to get home
so that you are not so upset from the day at work or school. Or ask family members for a few moments alone when you do get home so that you can detox yourself for the day's stress. Find alternative outlets for the pressure that builds up through the day. Exercise, sports, and physical activities are good choices. Additionally, meditation, relaxation training, and healthy diets will ensure a much more powerful buffer to stress.
Thirdly, be aware of how you talk to yourself. If you find yourself reacting to a situation differently than other family members, you may be causing your own problems. What we say to ourselves about situations and other family members influences our emotions. Get help from a qualified therapist to work on changing how your view difficult problems in your life.
And lastly, increase your social support network. The more people you have to turn to in a time of crisis, the more resourceful you will feel. Some of these people may not be your family members. That's all right. They are safe places to deal with anger so that time at home, with other members, is spent enjoying one another.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://stress.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?
A family is a complex emotional system where every member affects other members. Unless a person takes drastic measures to emotionally cut themselves off from the family or physically moves away; they cannot escape the power of the family over their behavior. It is this complexity and the fact that so much of family dynamics are outside of member's conscious awareness, that makes change difficult. Consequently, members feel helpless to change anger in the family.
Anger takes place in the family in three ways:
* It is inherent in family temperament
* It carries over from other stressful systems (such as work)
* It serves a specific function in the family
Temper, Temper!
A temperament is defined "as a persons customary manner of emotional response (Roget's II, The New Thesaurus)." Everyone knows someone they would describe as having a "temper." One member or more of the family can be moody, intense, reactive, and dislike change. These people could be said to have a feisty or difficult temperament. They have inherited a biology that reacts in a different manner to stressful life events. Temperament is not something that family members can completely change, but it is something that can be modified or adapted to.
Parents who understand this realize that they have not failed their children. They simply have a child with a different temperament. It also answers the question, for many parents, why they seem to have more discomfort relating to one child over another. The more dissimilar the temperament, between parent and child, the more difficult it is to understand and interact together. On the other hand, family members with similar temperaments may "rub" each other the wrong way. Two members with "tempers" will engage in more frequent arguments and power-struggles than would two members with flexible temperaments.
Displaced Anger
Another way that anger affects families is through displacement of anger from one system (i.e., work) to another system (i.e., home). Parents who had a rough day at work don't automatically shed their frustrations on the way home. They can bring it home and react to other family members in a hostile and abusive manner. One answer why family members direct their anger at people they know and love is that it is safer to vent with people they know will not abandon them. The boss may fire someone for venting at them or another employee. A teacher may give a student a bad report for acting out at school. But family members usually stick by you, even if you get angry. Unfortunately, chronic venting at loved one's will result in negative consequences. It breaks down members' ability to feel safe and trust one another.
Anger is Power
Anger has specific social functions that signal us when there is a need that is unfulfilled or a problem that needs solving. The earliest example of this, in families, is seen in the newborn. When the baby is hungry, hurt, or wet, it cries. If responses to its needs are not immediate, it can become angry. The baby will shake and scream until that need is met. Anger can be used to control other family members. The most common example of this is a small child throwing a "temper" tantrum. The purpose of the tantrum is to get mom or dad to comply with their wants. Older children and adults also throw tantrums. They use it to get children to comply or spouses to listen or siblings to leave them alone. While anger may be one way to gain control, in the short-term, it always back fires, destroying relationships, in the long-term.
Anger Toolbox
*Families do not have to continue to be victims of their own or other's anger.
They can use some simple tools to manage anger:
The first tool to managing anger is to take personal responsibility for it. Even if a member's anger is due to temperament or an overbearing boss, take responsibility for your reaction and what you do with that anger. The destructive root of family anger is blame. The blame game only has losers, no winners.
The second tool is to find safe and healthy ways to vent your anger. Give yourself more time to get home
so that you are not so upset from the day at work or school. Or ask family members for a few moments alone when you do get home so that you can detox yourself for the day's stress. Find alternative outlets for the pressure that builds up through the day. Exercise, sports, and physical activities are good choices. Additionally, meditation, relaxation training, and healthy diets will ensure a much more powerful buffer to stress.
Thirdly, be aware of how you talk to yourself. If you find yourself reacting to a situation differently than other family members, you may be causing your own problems. What we say to ourselves about situations and other family members influences our emotions. Get help from a qualified therapist to work on changing how your view difficult problems in your life.
And lastly, increase your social support network. The more people you have to turn to in a time of crisis, the more resourceful you will feel. Some of these people may not be your family members. That's all right. They are safe places to deal with anger so that time at home, with other members, is spent enjoying one another.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://stress.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Anger management
Anger is an emotion that men access very easily and often when personal resources are stretched to the limit. A temper is also the emotion that is often directed at children and spouses.
It has long been accepted that the introduction of children into a relationship brings with it a variety of modifications that couples have to make. Early mornings, late nights, stress and sleep deprivation are just a few of the ‘child-induced’ spin-offs.
Many mothers notice they are more inclined to dissolve into tears at the slightest upset whilst men, on the other hand, manifest their emotions in different ways.
*Where anger comes from:
*As well as ‘sleep deprivation’ there are several key factors that can influence men to become angry with their partners and family:
1.Fuses are shortened significantly when routines and life patterns are altered. Children throw these patterns into disarray as parents struggle to fit their lives around the needs of the child. Fathers therefore find it difficult to successfully combine full-time employment with full-time fathering.
2.Family commitments can mean that sport and leisure activities are reduced giving fathers less opportunity to debrief and de-stress.
3.Having an added focus of a child (or two) lessons ‘couple time’. Men and women often find that intimacy is reduced. After a period of decreased proximity, couples may find themselves feeling like ‘relationship strangers’.
4.Extended family members and friends, hoping to help by taking on responsibilities of the new baby, may inadvertently disrupt the couple and family balance.
*Telltale signs of anger:
What are the signs or indicators that fathers may be experiencing some stress that could in turn lead to angry outbursts and generally disgruntled Dads?
*Battling the anger:
Men tend to let actions speak louder than words. While in many cases this is an admirable quality, by keeping ‘mum’ (no pun intended!) or by not telling anybody else, men tend to internalize their grievances and ‘feed’ the anger. I firmly believe the old adage that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved‘…or at least acknowledged.
If fathers deny or repress their emotions, the anger, frustration and stress that has built up over a period of time will eventually need to be released and often the venting that occurs has consequences for other members of the family.
Therefore, one sign of a dad not coping with the pressure of child rearing is a father who becomes sullen and withdrawn. Fathers may become distant from children and partners in an attempt NOT to hurt or get angry with them. Conversely, a dad who becomes ‘snappy’ and extremely reactive may be externalizing the signs of anger.
*Unusual behavior - not coping:
Men who start behaving uncharacteristically may be in some need of intervention. Examples of this could be anything from dropping out of some or all social functions, or perhaps relying a little too heavily on alcohol, cigarettes and drugs to cope with family situations.
In some cases men won’t recognize the tell-tale outbursts and angry exchanges with family members as being anything out of the ordinary. They may try to deny anything is wrong perhaps in the hope that with the passing of time and a little bit more sleep things will rectify themselves! Generally, though, spouses and family members will be able to detect when these changes, however subtle, are occurring.
*Helping anger:
The real challenge is in how to bring these behaviors to the attention of the dad without seeming judgmental and over the top. To ensure complete family integrity it is sometimes easiest to let someone completely neutral be the person who takes dad aside for a quiet chat about how he’s coping.
Extended family members and good friends can act as great sources of support for both mothers and fathers who are finding daily parental responsibilities really hard work! Men find it less threatening, more helpful and, in many cases, enlightening if they can interface with someone who has experienced some of the same pressures and who can chat with some authority on the subject.
If situations get out of hand, another option for spouses is the involvement of some health professional like a registered psychologist or a trusted doctor. This professional can provide a buffer between the family and the father and can retain the privacy of the individual undergoing the stress and anger issues. These people are professionals who have learned the tried and true methods of dealing with people at both ends of the emotional continuum and all the varying degrees in between.
Unfortunately the role of ‘parent’ is greatly undervalued in our society and we are not paid ‘corporate’ salaries for caring for our children. We will probably always encounter those examples of fathers who seem drawn to anger and angry outbursts purely because there is not enough time in the day to work, sleep, eat, exercise and look after their families.
Help, however, is within easy reach. Here are some tips to help fathers and their families deal with anger if it occurs. Even more encouraging are the preventative ways to minimize the possibility for anger to surface in the first place:
*Men need to talk if they are feeling angry:
When in doubt… shout! Let people know when you are feeling overworked and underpaid. Men leave it until the last minute to let others know they need support and help. It is not a shameful thing to feel angry and out of control. Rather it is something that needs to be shared and worked through. When we weigh up the options, asking for support is the easier way to go. Anger can lead to domestic violence that benefits no one and sets dangerous examples for children who often witness these outbursts.
*Dad's also need time out:
This is not just a strategy for badly behaved children! Sometimes a well timed walk in the park, an evening out at a movie, or a weekend away can recharge the batteries and allow someone who is very stressed to regain a much needed sense of perspective. Remember that ‘time out’ measures need to be implemented before a pattern of angry responses becomes the norm.
*To help with anger learn to say NO:
We spend a lot of time saying ‘No’ to our children, particularly when they are babies. Yet as adults, fathers need to re-learn the word. Saying ‘No’ to overtime at work, saying ‘No’ to party invitations and saying ‘No’ to big nights out with the boys all need to be considered when sleep is limited.
Men must learn they need to look after themselves and their health before they can expect to effectively care for the needs of their families.
To a certain degree anger is an acceptable part of men’s behavioral repertoire. However, it is when the anger is directed at others that problems arise. So as partners, family members, friends and co-workers of men who may have anger as an issue we have a responsibility to look out for the tell-tale signs and break the cycle before it begins!
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.littlies.co.nz/page.asp?id=268&level=2
It has long been accepted that the introduction of children into a relationship brings with it a variety of modifications that couples have to make. Early mornings, late nights, stress and sleep deprivation are just a few of the ‘child-induced’ spin-offs.
Many mothers notice they are more inclined to dissolve into tears at the slightest upset whilst men, on the other hand, manifest their emotions in different ways.
*Where anger comes from:
*As well as ‘sleep deprivation’ there are several key factors that can influence men to become angry with their partners and family:
1.Fuses are shortened significantly when routines and life patterns are altered. Children throw these patterns into disarray as parents struggle to fit their lives around the needs of the child. Fathers therefore find it difficult to successfully combine full-time employment with full-time fathering.
2.Family commitments can mean that sport and leisure activities are reduced giving fathers less opportunity to debrief and de-stress.
3.Having an added focus of a child (or two) lessons ‘couple time’. Men and women often find that intimacy is reduced. After a period of decreased proximity, couples may find themselves feeling like ‘relationship strangers’.
4.Extended family members and friends, hoping to help by taking on responsibilities of the new baby, may inadvertently disrupt the couple and family balance.
*Telltale signs of anger:
What are the signs or indicators that fathers may be experiencing some stress that could in turn lead to angry outbursts and generally disgruntled Dads?
*Battling the anger:
Men tend to let actions speak louder than words. While in many cases this is an admirable quality, by keeping ‘mum’ (no pun intended!) or by not telling anybody else, men tend to internalize their grievances and ‘feed’ the anger. I firmly believe the old adage that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved‘…or at least acknowledged.
If fathers deny or repress their emotions, the anger, frustration and stress that has built up over a period of time will eventually need to be released and often the venting that occurs has consequences for other members of the family.
Therefore, one sign of a dad not coping with the pressure of child rearing is a father who becomes sullen and withdrawn. Fathers may become distant from children and partners in an attempt NOT to hurt or get angry with them. Conversely, a dad who becomes ‘snappy’ and extremely reactive may be externalizing the signs of anger.
*Unusual behavior - not coping:
Men who start behaving uncharacteristically may be in some need of intervention. Examples of this could be anything from dropping out of some or all social functions, or perhaps relying a little too heavily on alcohol, cigarettes and drugs to cope with family situations.
In some cases men won’t recognize the tell-tale outbursts and angry exchanges with family members as being anything out of the ordinary. They may try to deny anything is wrong perhaps in the hope that with the passing of time and a little bit more sleep things will rectify themselves! Generally, though, spouses and family members will be able to detect when these changes, however subtle, are occurring.
*Helping anger:
The real challenge is in how to bring these behaviors to the attention of the dad without seeming judgmental and over the top. To ensure complete family integrity it is sometimes easiest to let someone completely neutral be the person who takes dad aside for a quiet chat about how he’s coping.
Extended family members and good friends can act as great sources of support for both mothers and fathers who are finding daily parental responsibilities really hard work! Men find it less threatening, more helpful and, in many cases, enlightening if they can interface with someone who has experienced some of the same pressures and who can chat with some authority on the subject.
If situations get out of hand, another option for spouses is the involvement of some health professional like a registered psychologist or a trusted doctor. This professional can provide a buffer between the family and the father and can retain the privacy of the individual undergoing the stress and anger issues. These people are professionals who have learned the tried and true methods of dealing with people at both ends of the emotional continuum and all the varying degrees in between.
Unfortunately the role of ‘parent’ is greatly undervalued in our society and we are not paid ‘corporate’ salaries for caring for our children. We will probably always encounter those examples of fathers who seem drawn to anger and angry outbursts purely because there is not enough time in the day to work, sleep, eat, exercise and look after their families.
Help, however, is within easy reach. Here are some tips to help fathers and their families deal with anger if it occurs. Even more encouraging are the preventative ways to minimize the possibility for anger to surface in the first place:
*Men need to talk if they are feeling angry:
When in doubt… shout! Let people know when you are feeling overworked and underpaid. Men leave it until the last minute to let others know they need support and help. It is not a shameful thing to feel angry and out of control. Rather it is something that needs to be shared and worked through. When we weigh up the options, asking for support is the easier way to go. Anger can lead to domestic violence that benefits no one and sets dangerous examples for children who often witness these outbursts.
*Dad's also need time out:
This is not just a strategy for badly behaved children! Sometimes a well timed walk in the park, an evening out at a movie, or a weekend away can recharge the batteries and allow someone who is very stressed to regain a much needed sense of perspective. Remember that ‘time out’ measures need to be implemented before a pattern of angry responses becomes the norm.
*To help with anger learn to say NO:
We spend a lot of time saying ‘No’ to our children, particularly when they are babies. Yet as adults, fathers need to re-learn the word. Saying ‘No’ to overtime at work, saying ‘No’ to party invitations and saying ‘No’ to big nights out with the boys all need to be considered when sleep is limited.
Men must learn they need to look after themselves and their health before they can expect to effectively care for the needs of their families.
To a certain degree anger is an acceptable part of men’s behavioral repertoire. However, it is when the anger is directed at others that problems arise. So as partners, family members, friends and co-workers of men who may have anger as an issue we have a responsibility to look out for the tell-tale signs and break the cycle before it begins!
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.littlies.co.nz/page.asp?id=268&level=2
Friday, March 21, 2008
Stress Relief and Anger Prevention
Stress is a part of our everyday lives: struggling with your four-year-old over breakfast food, having the car overheat in traffic, running late to pick up at the child care center, confronting family members about chores and household responsibilities. Sometimes the accumlation of stresses can result in your losing your temper. All too often it is children who receive the outburst. For some families, this is an isolated flare-up and everyone recovers and moves on. For others, explosions become more frequent and can result in problematic behaviors in their children. Once you've lost your temper with your child, it can be easy to lose it again. The more you learn about stress and ways to manage your anger, the better prepared you will be.
The Daily Routine
For many households, just the daily rituals and routines create tremendous stress. Often the areas of conflict are around chores, homework, meals, sibling relationships, and bedtime. A good starting point is to decide which behaviors are most difficult for you and then develop a list of rules and appropriate consequences to address them. Make the rules clear and enforce them consistently. It is helpful to redefine what is most important to you and then prioritize. For example, if getting out of the house on time in the morning is most important, then maybe the beds will not always be made. Planning ahead is valuable and you can often turn routine chores into more meaningful time. Choosing clothes the night before with your child can allow you to giggle together over clothes that don't match instead of heading for a disagreement in the morning. You are more likely to lose your temper
when you are tired or overworked. Try to be aware of your limits and recognize when you begin to feel overwhelmed. Before you head for home, take a break, go for a quick walk or plan an event to look forward to. Talk to friends, family and your child care provider to let them know how you feel. They may help you sort through your feelings and maybe they can give you some time for yourself.
Ages and Stages
The first step for every parent is to identify the feeling you are having as anger. In some situations, an understanding of your child's developmental stage can help you avoid getting angry with your child. Hearing your infant cry for long periods of time can make you feel angry with your child, but the anger is actually due to feelings of frustration and inadequacy at not knowing how to comfort your baby. A direct expression of anger towards your baby will not be helpful. Similarly, your preschooler didn't purposefully break the plate and your twelve-year-old didn't deliberately forget his jacket at school. Most of your anger is with yourself at not being able to control the situation. Not all anger is considered bad if it is used
constructively to change things you don't like. With children who are preschool age and older you can talk afterwards, exchange an apology and acknowledge there will always be arguments. There may be better ways to work things out or you might step back later and see a bit of humor in an argument. Start a pattern in your family of always talking things over after the heat of the moment is past. if you are no longer focusing your attention on the problem at hand, your anger has taken over. Separate out other issues, previous conflicts with your child, and the accumulated stress of your day and focus only on the present situation. As soon as you feel your anger is inappropriate or no longer productive, you should walk away. It may be best to go into another room to cool off for awhile or call on your networks to get some time for yourself.
Holidays
For many families the joys of the holidays are mixed with the strains of visiting relatives, shopping, the change of family routines, travel and unsolicited advice. It can be difficult to keep the spirit of the season when there are so many changes to adjust to. After the initial excitement, the strain usually starts to show. No matter how much you try or plan ahead, there are bound to be moments that are very frustrating, embarrassing or completely unexpected. To ease the stress, here are a few suggestions to keep in mind. Talk ahead of time with your friends and relatives to find out exactly what is planned. You can determine what special arrangements or foods will be needed. If you will be traveling, pack the essentials along with favorite lovies and some familiar snacks to help your child handle delayed meals. Ask ahead for help in meeting the needs of your child in a place away from home and once there, relax your rules and restrictions. For a temporary situation it's fine for your child to stay up later or have an extra treat. Above all, maintain your sense of humor to keep the holidays fun.
Coping Strategies
Simplify whenever possible. To help plan for the morning rush, have clothes laid out, lunches packed and shoes located the night before. Be ready to be flexible. You can't prepare for everything and there are bound to be conflicts along the way. If your child insists on the plaid shirt with the striped shorts, avoid an argument and let it go. Ask yourself if it will really matter a week from now. Remember all children go through ages and stages. Before you get angry, remind yourself that you can expect typical behavior patterns as your child grows. Talk to your child care provider and let her know when you feel stressed or angry. She may have suggestions for you to help minimize your frustrations. As soon as you feel your anger is not appropriate, walk away and reach out to others for support. Try using humor to gain compliance. You might challenge your child who is always running late in the morning to a race to see who is ready first and out the door on time.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=15
The Daily Routine
For many households, just the daily rituals and routines create tremendous stress. Often the areas of conflict are around chores, homework, meals, sibling relationships, and bedtime. A good starting point is to decide which behaviors are most difficult for you and then develop a list of rules and appropriate consequences to address them. Make the rules clear and enforce them consistently. It is helpful to redefine what is most important to you and then prioritize. For example, if getting out of the house on time in the morning is most important, then maybe the beds will not always be made. Planning ahead is valuable and you can often turn routine chores into more meaningful time. Choosing clothes the night before with your child can allow you to giggle together over clothes that don't match instead of heading for a disagreement in the morning. You are more likely to lose your temper
when you are tired or overworked. Try to be aware of your limits and recognize when you begin to feel overwhelmed. Before you head for home, take a break, go for a quick walk or plan an event to look forward to. Talk to friends, family and your child care provider to let them know how you feel. They may help you sort through your feelings and maybe they can give you some time for yourself.
Ages and Stages
The first step for every parent is to identify the feeling you are having as anger. In some situations, an understanding of your child's developmental stage can help you avoid getting angry with your child. Hearing your infant cry for long periods of time can make you feel angry with your child, but the anger is actually due to feelings of frustration and inadequacy at not knowing how to comfort your baby. A direct expression of anger towards your baby will not be helpful. Similarly, your preschooler didn't purposefully break the plate and your twelve-year-old didn't deliberately forget his jacket at school. Most of your anger is with yourself at not being able to control the situation. Not all anger is considered bad if it is used
constructively to change things you don't like. With children who are preschool age and older you can talk afterwards, exchange an apology and acknowledge there will always be arguments. There may be better ways to work things out or you might step back later and see a bit of humor in an argument. Start a pattern in your family of always talking things over after the heat of the moment is past. if you are no longer focusing your attention on the problem at hand, your anger has taken over. Separate out other issues, previous conflicts with your child, and the accumulated stress of your day and focus only on the present situation. As soon as you feel your anger is inappropriate or no longer productive, you should walk away. It may be best to go into another room to cool off for awhile or call on your networks to get some time for yourself.
Holidays
For many families the joys of the holidays are mixed with the strains of visiting relatives, shopping, the change of family routines, travel and unsolicited advice. It can be difficult to keep the spirit of the season when there are so many changes to adjust to. After the initial excitement, the strain usually starts to show. No matter how much you try or plan ahead, there are bound to be moments that are very frustrating, embarrassing or completely unexpected. To ease the stress, here are a few suggestions to keep in mind. Talk ahead of time with your friends and relatives to find out exactly what is planned. You can determine what special arrangements or foods will be needed. If you will be traveling, pack the essentials along with favorite lovies and some familiar snacks to help your child handle delayed meals. Ask ahead for help in meeting the needs of your child in a place away from home and once there, relax your rules and restrictions. For a temporary situation it's fine for your child to stay up later or have an extra treat. Above all, maintain your sense of humor to keep the holidays fun.
Coping Strategies
Simplify whenever possible. To help plan for the morning rush, have clothes laid out, lunches packed and shoes located the night before. Be ready to be flexible. You can't prepare for everything and there are bound to be conflicts along the way. If your child insists on the plaid shirt with the striped shorts, avoid an argument and let it go. Ask yourself if it will really matter a week from now. Remember all children go through ages and stages. Before you get angry, remind yourself that you can expect typical behavior patterns as your child grows. Talk to your child care provider and let her know when you feel stressed or angry. She may have suggestions for you to help minimize your frustrations. As soon as you feel your anger is not appropriate, walk away and reach out to others for support. Try using humor to gain compliance. You might challenge your child who is always running late in the morning to a race to see who is ready first and out the door on time.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=15
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Dealing With Anger in Relationships
Anger is a powerful, perfectly normal emotion that everyone feels at one time or another. Anger experts say that anger develops more often in the family in marriage and with children than in any other human relationship. A second common setting for anger episodes is at work, with colleagues and supervisors. As a consequence, more people are injured by the violent acts of someone they live or work with than by strangers.
Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, violence at school and domestic abuse in homes. Anger is the source of many legal problems and many psychophysical diseases such as headaches, high blood pressure and chronic pain. Science has just recently begun to recognize the contribution anger makes to these and other diseases. When coupled with workplace and family stress, unresolved anger can cause emotional, physical and spiritual health to suffer. This can lead the angry one to lash out at the nearest person.
Managing anger successfully can make the difference between misery or happiness. This MontGuide has been written to help you understand anger and how to manage it better. It also provides some ideas for dealing with others' anger.
What is Anger?
According to expert Charles Spielberger, anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild annoyance to intense fury and rage." Many things can provoke angry feelings. People (such as a boss reminding you of a deadline for the fourth time this week) or daily events (such as getting dawdling kids off to school) might initiate anger. Worrying about personal problems or recalling events that were tragic or made you mad can also set off angry feelings.
Anger is expressed in three ways. It may be directed outward, toward other people or objects in the environment. You might feel like yelling, screaming, punching someone, smashing or destroying something, or throwing a chair or book across the room. These are destructive expressions of anger--destructive because instead of solving the problem, they usually escalate the situation and make the problem worse. A recent study showed that, contrary to popular belief, venting anger through physical aggression--such as by punching a bag or pillow--did not decrease anger but actually increased aggressive behavior.
Anger may also be directed inward by supressing angry feelings.
This mode of expression can also be destructive if anger is not allowed some form of constructive external expression, it can increase the risks of high blood pressure, depression, suicide, gastrointestinal problems or drug and alcohol use. Unexpressed anger can also lead to such problems as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on), a hostile and cynical way of dealing with others or increased use of put-downs and criticism. Obviously, such behavior doesn't promote harmonious relationships with others.
A third mode of anger expression is the control of anger. Pop psychology used to promote the philosophy of "let it all hang out." During its heyday, this approach led some specialists to recommend that people communicate their anger just to get it off their chest. Far from solving problems, research has confirmed that unbridled expression of anger makes matters worse. Not only does it escalate anger and threaten relationships, but it places one's physical health at risk, too. It is wise to control or manage the expression of anger in constructive ways.
Controlling anger doesn't ignore the emotion. Instead, it involves first calming oneself so that one's anger can be used to achieve constructive ends, such as solving problems and restoring emotional connections with others. Proper control of anger reduces the risk of violence toward others as well as physiological harm to oneself.
Dealing With Our Own Anger
As much as we like horses, few of us would be willing to ride one without a bridle. Around the world there are various categories of bridles. Within these categories there are literally hundreds of different kinds of bridles depending on what we want to do with the animal. But the major purpose is the same: To get the horse to do what we want it to do.
Using a bridle doesn't deny that the horse exsists, nor does it mean that the horse is a bad animal. Quite the contrary. Bridles allow us to manage and guide the horse to accomplish our purposes.
Anger is like an unbridled horse. Unless we govern it, we are at its mercy. The consequences of unbridled anger aren't the ones we really want. Here are some suggestions for putting a bridle on anger.
Understand that anger is a choice. Since anger can be controlled, it follows that anger is a choice. Anger is a learned response to a trigger in our environment. While we may have a tendency to become angry, it's not wise or correct to give in and simply say "That's just the way I am, and there's nothing I can do about it." Ultimately we are in charge of which behaviors we choose in response to the emotions we feel. We often hear people say things like, "She/He made me angry."
That statement is inaccurate. No one is ever made to be angry. No one is forced against their will to lose their temper. Remember: Anger is a learned response to a provoking situation.
Consider the following diagram. Between every provoking situation and outcome lies the freedom to select the actions we deem appropriate. Habit may make our responses seem almost involuntary, but they aren't. While certain provoking situations may creep up on us so that we respond with a knee-jerk reaction, once the connection between the provoking situation and our response is in our consciousness, we can begin to take more control over our actions.
Learn what provokes your anger. While no one can cause us to use anger destructively, the emotion of anger can be provoked in us. So it is wise to learn what your anger triggers are and write them down. Your anger might be provoked when someone ignores the good things you do, puts you down, or shows disrespect for your opinions. As a parent your anger might be aroused toward children when they are messy, don't cooperate or disobey your wishes.
Once you have made a list of your anger triggers, keep the list handy. Spend some time thinking about what you might do instead of reacting angrily the next time someone "pushes your button." For example, if you are angered when your teen won't clean his/her room, give him/her the option of cleaning it once a week and let him/her choose the day and time.
Recognize and admit your own anger. Notice what your body does when anger is provoked. Do you feel hot or flushed? Is your heart pounding? Are you breathing more rapidly? Is there change in the tension of the muscles in your neck? Is your head or stomach aching? Also notice the thoughts you have and the actions you do or want to do when you feel anger. Perhaps you are thinking "It's not fair!"or "She's out to get me!" or "He makes me so angry so much of the time!" You may (or you may want to) yell or scream at someone, hit or slap, threaten, order around, or, as a parent, punish a child severely.
Notice also signs of hidden anger, such as sarcasm or frustration or wanting to get even. You may have been taught to deny your angry feelings, or that they don't matter. But feelings do matter. Now is the time for great self-honesty. Realize that anger is normal emotion. There's no need for you to feel ashamed or guilty about it. Whether at home or at work, give each other the right to feel angry. Feeling angry and acting destructively toward another are two very different things.
Relax and calm yourself first. before the issue that provoked the feeling of anger can be resolved, you must reduce the intensity of the angry feeling by calming yourself. Discover what helps you calm down in anger situations and take action. Calming actions might include calling a friend or relative, listening to music, prayer or meditation, vigorous exercise, writing down feelings in a letter (for yourself), a good night's rest, a warm shower or bath, deep breathing, counting to ten, taking a walk or taking a mental vacation by imagining a peaceful, beautiful place.
Strive to understand the other person's point of view. There are many reasons someone may do something that provokes our anger, besides their intentionally wanting to get us angry. Parents would do well to learn possible causes of anger in children at different ages and stages of development and use that knowledge in responding to an anger trigger. For example, Tommy, a three-year-old, was angry because his father wouldn't let him play with the CD player. He yelled "I hate you!" at his father. His dad remembered that children at this age may resent the fact that others have so much power over them and may become angry when they don't have the freedom to do as they please. Armed with this knowledge, he responded in an age-appropriate manner to his son, saying "Well, I love you. You're just angry because you can't play with the CD."
We can strive ourselves in another adult's shoes when they pull one of our anger triggers. Someone may be tired or over stressed. You may find that your anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of someone's words or actions. Or perhaps the anger resulted from one person being pushed beyond their limits of tolerance.
Establish ground rules for expression of anger. This will help you manage anger. For example, when anger and conflict is escalating over an issue, agree that you will call "Time Out" and try talking about it again after you calm yourselves and can listen to one another better. Choose a specified time to talk, such as in 10 minutes or at a later time within 24 hours. Using this kind of ground rule can help you deal with difficulties with less bickering and strife.
Express your anger constructively.
Express angry feelings calmly and with an attitude of respect, without attacking or blaming the other person. Explain to the other person why you are angry. Use I-statements with a Feeling-When-Because format. For example, "I FEEL angry WHEN the barbeque is left on BECAUSE it wastes gas."
Follow up the I-statement with a statement of the change that you believe would solve the problem now and defuse
anger in the future. For example:
"I feel frustrated when you come home after curfew because that is against our agreement. I want you to follow through on what we agreed."
"I feel upset when I don't get the recognition I think I deserve, because I worked very hard on that project. I want some acknowledgment of my contribution."
"I feel angry when you track dirt on the kitchen floor because I just cleaned it. I want you to leave your muddy shoes at the doorway under the coat rack."
Even when expressing anger, you can communicate love and respect for the other person. A gentle touch on the shoulder and a calm voice, even when the words are expressing a feeling of anger, communicate to others that although you are angry, you still care about them and value the relationship. By expressing anger calmly, you are more likely to be able to explore with the other person the sources of your anger and how such a situation may be prevented in the future. When anger is recognized and approached calmly, respectfully, with the intention of strengthening the relationship and not hurting it, anger can actually encourage growth and intimacy.
Make an Anger Bridling Plan.
As you read over the ideas above, have you noted any that might help you bridle your anger? Pick one of your anger triggers and come up with a plan for dealing with it. Don't try to deal with all your triggers at oncestart with one. Make a chart like the one shown below.
My Anger Bridling Plan (Example)
My anger triggers
1. Jason refuses to do his chores
Physical reactions and thoughts
1. My face gets flushed and my heart starts pounding. I think, "What do I have to do to get you to move!"
My typical actions
1. Yelling, ordering, threatening.
What I will do instead
1. Go to my room, do deep breathing, repeat the word "relax" in my mind until I feel calm.
2. Go back to Jason and restate his job, and then say: When you refuse to do your job, I feel angry because we depend on everyone to carry their weight in the family. I expect you to complete your job before you go to your friend's house
Some of us may have become so accustomed to destructive expressions of anger that we find it difficult to apply the ideas listed above. Reactions to certain anger triggers may have become so ingrained that it seems impossible to change them alone. If this is so, get help from a trusted and trained professional or minister who can help you deal with your anger.
Handling Other's Anger
Dealing with our own anger is one thing. But how do we deal with others' anger? When anger is directed toward us, what steps can we take to defuse a tense situation? Colorado Extension Specialist Robert Fetsch provides helpful hints in his publication, "Dealing With Others' Anger."
When confronted with the anger of others, therapists and educators recommend a combination of communication and problem-solving strategies. First take steps to protect yourself from any potential violence (leave, go to a safe house, wait until your partner is sober, etc.). Often a "time-out period" reduces the hostility level. To help reduce chances of aggression, experiment with the following five steps.
Ask, "What is it you are angry at me about?" and listen for the unmet expectation, need or demand. Check out their meaning. For example, a parent may ask a teen, "So, you want me to drive you both ways to your new job five days a week, right?" If the unmet expectation is not clear to you, you can always ask, "What is it you want now?"
Be sure to be as empathic and understanding as possible. Suspend all judgment. Genuinely strive to look at the situation through the other's eyes. Sometimes the urge to defend yourself is overwhelming, but don't! Instead, ask, "What did that mean to you?" If appropriate, paraphrase the other person's viewpoint. A parent might say, "So, after you told me I'd have to drive you to and from work because this is your first job and you really worked hard to get it and I said, 'Let's talk about it later,' you felt like I was putting you off. Do you think that means I don't care about you?" Listen and paraphrase until the speaker indicates you've got their viewpoint.
Third, whether your critic is wrong or right, find some way to agree. Having a "we-can-solve-this-problem attitude" helps a lot. For example, "I have to agree that I was in a rush when you announced your new job. You're right?it would have been better if I'd explained that I had to go to the office in five minutes for an important meeting, but that I really do care about you and your new job and would love to hear about it later."
Fourth, ask "What do you want (of me) now?" During the time you take to listen for the unmet expectation, empathize with the other person's viewpoint and tell them where you agree, much of the intense anger disappears. A clue that the time is ripe is when you hear an audible sigh as the angry person takes a deep breath and the energy shifts. Once the anger has subsided in both you and your critic, ask the question. Your critic might say something like: "You're the parent and I want you to show you care about my life, too, by driving me to and from work."
Fifth, negotiate a win-win agreement. Explain your viewpoint tactfully and assertively negotiate differences. For instance, "I'll tell you what, since your job is not that far from school and 3:30 is a busy time for me, why don't you walk to work from school and I'll pick you up at 6:30 every day? Can we try this for a couple of weeks and see if it works?"
Of course, not everyone wants to work out a win-win solution to a problem. If you use some of these steps and find yourself feeling more angry for what the person is saying or doing, stop and ask yourself, "What's going on? Do I feel like I'm losing and the other person is winning?" If so, check this out with the other person by saying something like "I started this conversation with a win-win attitude. Now I feel like we're in a you-win I-lose situation. Is that what you want? Are you willing to go back with me to a win-win attitude?" If they're willing, proceed. If not, it may be time to seek the help of an impartial third party.
Three additional strategies may help handle others' anger:
Use the person's name. This will help you get the angry person's attention.
Slow down and lower your voice. When someone is very angry, his or her speech will usually be very rapid. Slowing down your rate of speech and lowering your voice may lead the angry person to a more reasonable tone.
Sit down. Sitting make you less intimidating. It also slows an angry person's rapid thoughts and words. Ask the angry person to take a seat beside you as you discuss the problem. Sitting next to a person (versus across from them) is a more supportive position.
Spend some time learning about anger, what provokes anger in you and what calms you down. Then choose to express anger constructively so that its expression builds rather than damages relationships. Deal with others' anger toward you in ways that can actually help defuse their anger.
Sourced By: TheSAMIgroup.com
http://www.montana.edu/wwwpb/pubs/mt200004.html
Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, violence at school and domestic abuse in homes. Anger is the source of many legal problems and many psychophysical diseases such as headaches, high blood pressure and chronic pain. Science has just recently begun to recognize the contribution anger makes to these and other diseases. When coupled with workplace and family stress, unresolved anger can cause emotional, physical and spiritual health to suffer. This can lead the angry one to lash out at the nearest person.
Managing anger successfully can make the difference between misery or happiness. This MontGuide has been written to help you understand anger and how to manage it better. It also provides some ideas for dealing with others' anger.
What is Anger?
According to expert Charles Spielberger, anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild annoyance to intense fury and rage." Many things can provoke angry feelings. People (such as a boss reminding you of a deadline for the fourth time this week) or daily events (such as getting dawdling kids off to school) might initiate anger. Worrying about personal problems or recalling events that were tragic or made you mad can also set off angry feelings.
Anger is expressed in three ways. It may be directed outward, toward other people or objects in the environment. You might feel like yelling, screaming, punching someone, smashing or destroying something, or throwing a chair or book across the room. These are destructive expressions of anger--destructive because instead of solving the problem, they usually escalate the situation and make the problem worse. A recent study showed that, contrary to popular belief, venting anger through physical aggression--such as by punching a bag or pillow--did not decrease anger but actually increased aggressive behavior.
Anger may also be directed inward by supressing angry feelings.
This mode of expression can also be destructive if anger is not allowed some form of constructive external expression, it can increase the risks of high blood pressure, depression, suicide, gastrointestinal problems or drug and alcohol use. Unexpressed anger can also lead to such problems as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on), a hostile and cynical way of dealing with others or increased use of put-downs and criticism. Obviously, such behavior doesn't promote harmonious relationships with others.
A third mode of anger expression is the control of anger. Pop psychology used to promote the philosophy of "let it all hang out." During its heyday, this approach led some specialists to recommend that people communicate their anger just to get it off their chest. Far from solving problems, research has confirmed that unbridled expression of anger makes matters worse. Not only does it escalate anger and threaten relationships, but it places one's physical health at risk, too. It is wise to control or manage the expression of anger in constructive ways.
Controlling anger doesn't ignore the emotion. Instead, it involves first calming oneself so that one's anger can be used to achieve constructive ends, such as solving problems and restoring emotional connections with others. Proper control of anger reduces the risk of violence toward others as well as physiological harm to oneself.
Dealing With Our Own Anger
As much as we like horses, few of us would be willing to ride one without a bridle. Around the world there are various categories of bridles. Within these categories there are literally hundreds of different kinds of bridles depending on what we want to do with the animal. But the major purpose is the same: To get the horse to do what we want it to do.
Using a bridle doesn't deny that the horse exsists, nor does it mean that the horse is a bad animal. Quite the contrary. Bridles allow us to manage and guide the horse to accomplish our purposes.
Anger is like an unbridled horse. Unless we govern it, we are at its mercy. The consequences of unbridled anger aren't the ones we really want. Here are some suggestions for putting a bridle on anger.
Understand that anger is a choice. Since anger can be controlled, it follows that anger is a choice. Anger is a learned response to a trigger in our environment. While we may have a tendency to become angry, it's not wise or correct to give in and simply say "That's just the way I am, and there's nothing I can do about it." Ultimately we are in charge of which behaviors we choose in response to the emotions we feel. We often hear people say things like, "She/He made me angry."
That statement is inaccurate. No one is ever made to be angry. No one is forced against their will to lose their temper. Remember: Anger is a learned response to a provoking situation.
Consider the following diagram. Between every provoking situation and outcome lies the freedom to select the actions we deem appropriate. Habit may make our responses seem almost involuntary, but they aren't. While certain provoking situations may creep up on us so that we respond with a knee-jerk reaction, once the connection between the provoking situation and our response is in our consciousness, we can begin to take more control over our actions.
Learn what provokes your anger. While no one can cause us to use anger destructively, the emotion of anger can be provoked in us. So it is wise to learn what your anger triggers are and write them down. Your anger might be provoked when someone ignores the good things you do, puts you down, or shows disrespect for your opinions. As a parent your anger might be aroused toward children when they are messy, don't cooperate or disobey your wishes.Once you have made a list of your anger triggers, keep the list handy. Spend some time thinking about what you might do instead of reacting angrily the next time someone "pushes your button." For example, if you are angered when your teen won't clean his/her room, give him/her the option of cleaning it once a week and let him/her choose the day and time.
Recognize and admit your own anger. Notice what your body does when anger is provoked. Do you feel hot or flushed? Is your heart pounding? Are you breathing more rapidly? Is there change in the tension of the muscles in your neck? Is your head or stomach aching? Also notice the thoughts you have and the actions you do or want to do when you feel anger. Perhaps you are thinking "It's not fair!"or "She's out to get me!" or "He makes me so angry so much of the time!" You may (or you may want to) yell or scream at someone, hit or slap, threaten, order around, or, as a parent, punish a child severely.
Notice also signs of hidden anger, such as sarcasm or frustration or wanting to get even. You may have been taught to deny your angry feelings, or that they don't matter. But feelings do matter. Now is the time for great self-honesty. Realize that anger is normal emotion. There's no need for you to feel ashamed or guilty about it. Whether at home or at work, give each other the right to feel angry. Feeling angry and acting destructively toward another are two very different things.
Relax and calm yourself first. before the issue that provoked the feeling of anger can be resolved, you must reduce the intensity of the angry feeling by calming yourself. Discover what helps you calm down in anger situations and take action. Calming actions might include calling a friend or relative, listening to music, prayer or meditation, vigorous exercise, writing down feelings in a letter (for yourself), a good night's rest, a warm shower or bath, deep breathing, counting to ten, taking a walk or taking a mental vacation by imagining a peaceful, beautiful place.
Strive to understand the other person's point of view. There are many reasons someone may do something that provokes our anger, besides their intentionally wanting to get us angry. Parents would do well to learn possible causes of anger in children at different ages and stages of development and use that knowledge in responding to an anger trigger. For example, Tommy, a three-year-old, was angry because his father wouldn't let him play with the CD player. He yelled "I hate you!" at his father. His dad remembered that children at this age may resent the fact that others have so much power over them and may become angry when they don't have the freedom to do as they please. Armed with this knowledge, he responded in an age-appropriate manner to his son, saying "Well, I love you. You're just angry because you can't play with the CD."
We can strive ourselves in another adult's shoes when they pull one of our anger triggers. Someone may be tired or over stressed. You may find that your anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of someone's words or actions. Or perhaps the anger resulted from one person being pushed beyond their limits of tolerance.
Establish ground rules for expression of anger. This will help you manage anger. For example, when anger and conflict is escalating over an issue, agree that you will call "Time Out" and try talking about it again after you calm yourselves and can listen to one another better. Choose a specified time to talk, such as in 10 minutes or at a later time within 24 hours. Using this kind of ground rule can help you deal with difficulties with less bickering and strife.
Express your anger constructively.
Express angry feelings calmly and with an attitude of respect, without attacking or blaming the other person. Explain to the other person why you are angry. Use I-statements with a Feeling-When-Because format. For example, "I FEEL angry WHEN the barbeque is left on BECAUSE it wastes gas."
Follow up the I-statement with a statement of the change that you believe would solve the problem now and defuse
anger in the future. For example:
"I feel frustrated when you come home after curfew because that is against our agreement. I want you to follow through on what we agreed."
"I feel upset when I don't get the recognition I think I deserve, because I worked very hard on that project. I want some acknowledgment of my contribution."
"I feel angry when you track dirt on the kitchen floor because I just cleaned it. I want you to leave your muddy shoes at the doorway under the coat rack."
Even when expressing anger, you can communicate love and respect for the other person. A gentle touch on the shoulder and a calm voice, even when the words are expressing a feeling of anger, communicate to others that although you are angry, you still care about them and value the relationship. By expressing anger calmly, you are more likely to be able to explore with the other person the sources of your anger and how such a situation may be prevented in the future. When anger is recognized and approached calmly, respectfully, with the intention of strengthening the relationship and not hurting it, anger can actually encourage growth and intimacy.
Make an Anger Bridling Plan.
As you read over the ideas above, have you noted any that might help you bridle your anger? Pick one of your anger triggers and come up with a plan for dealing with it. Don't try to deal with all your triggers at oncestart with one. Make a chart like the one shown below.
My Anger Bridling Plan (Example)
My anger triggers
1. Jason refuses to do his chores
Physical reactions and thoughts
1. My face gets flushed and my heart starts pounding. I think, "What do I have to do to get you to move!"
My typical actions
1. Yelling, ordering, threatening.
What I will do instead
1. Go to my room, do deep breathing, repeat the word "relax" in my mind until I feel calm.
2. Go back to Jason and restate his job, and then say: When you refuse to do your job, I feel angry because we depend on everyone to carry their weight in the family. I expect you to complete your job before you go to your friend's house
Some of us may have become so accustomed to destructive expressions of anger that we find it difficult to apply the ideas listed above. Reactions to certain anger triggers may have become so ingrained that it seems impossible to change them alone. If this is so, get help from a trusted and trained professional or minister who can help you deal with your anger.
Handling Other's Anger
Dealing with our own anger is one thing. But how do we deal with others' anger? When anger is directed toward us, what steps can we take to defuse a tense situation? Colorado Extension Specialist Robert Fetsch provides helpful hints in his publication, "Dealing With Others' Anger."
When confronted with the anger of others, therapists and educators recommend a combination of communication and problem-solving strategies. First take steps to protect yourself from any potential violence (leave, go to a safe house, wait until your partner is sober, etc.). Often a "time-out period" reduces the hostility level. To help reduce chances of aggression, experiment with the following five steps.
Ask, "What is it you are angry at me about?" and listen for the unmet expectation, need or demand. Check out their meaning. For example, a parent may ask a teen, "So, you want me to drive you both ways to your new job five days a week, right?" If the unmet expectation is not clear to you, you can always ask, "What is it you want now?"
Be sure to be as empathic and understanding as possible. Suspend all judgment. Genuinely strive to look at the situation through the other's eyes. Sometimes the urge to defend yourself is overwhelming, but don't! Instead, ask, "What did that mean to you?" If appropriate, paraphrase the other person's viewpoint. A parent might say, "So, after you told me I'd have to drive you to and from work because this is your first job and you really worked hard to get it and I said, 'Let's talk about it later,' you felt like I was putting you off. Do you think that means I don't care about you?" Listen and paraphrase until the speaker indicates you've got their viewpoint.
Third, whether your critic is wrong or right, find some way to agree. Having a "we-can-solve-this-problem attitude" helps a lot. For example, "I have to agree that I was in a rush when you announced your new job. You're right?it would have been better if I'd explained that I had to go to the office in five minutes for an important meeting, but that I really do care about you and your new job and would love to hear about it later."
Fourth, ask "What do you want (of me) now?" During the time you take to listen for the unmet expectation, empathize with the other person's viewpoint and tell them where you agree, much of the intense anger disappears. A clue that the time is ripe is when you hear an audible sigh as the angry person takes a deep breath and the energy shifts. Once the anger has subsided in both you and your critic, ask the question. Your critic might say something like: "You're the parent and I want you to show you care about my life, too, by driving me to and from work."
Fifth, negotiate a win-win agreement. Explain your viewpoint tactfully and assertively negotiate differences. For instance, "I'll tell you what, since your job is not that far from school and 3:30 is a busy time for me, why don't you walk to work from school and I'll pick you up at 6:30 every day? Can we try this for a couple of weeks and see if it works?"
Of course, not everyone wants to work out a win-win solution to a problem. If you use some of these steps and find yourself feeling more angry for what the person is saying or doing, stop and ask yourself, "What's going on? Do I feel like I'm losing and the other person is winning?" If so, check this out with the other person by saying something like "I started this conversation with a win-win attitude. Now I feel like we're in a you-win I-lose situation. Is that what you want? Are you willing to go back with me to a win-win attitude?" If they're willing, proceed. If not, it may be time to seek the help of an impartial third party.
Three additional strategies may help handle others' anger:
Use the person's name. This will help you get the angry person's attention.
Slow down and lower your voice. When someone is very angry, his or her speech will usually be very rapid. Slowing down your rate of speech and lowering your voice may lead the angry person to a more reasonable tone.
Sit down. Sitting make you less intimidating. It also slows an angry person's rapid thoughts and words. Ask the angry person to take a seat beside you as you discuss the problem. Sitting next to a person (versus across from them) is a more supportive position.
Spend some time learning about anger, what provokes anger in you and what calms you down. Then choose to express anger constructively so that its expression builds rather than damages relationships. Deal with others' anger toward you in ways that can actually help defuse their anger.
Sourced By: TheSAMIgroup.com
http://www.montana.edu/wwwpb/pubs/mt200004.html
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Stress Relief and Anger Prevention
Stress is a part of our everyday lives: struggling with your four-year-old over breakfast food, having the car overheat in traffic, running late to pick up at the child care center, confronting family members about chores and household responsibilities.
Sometimes the accumulation of stresses can result in your losing your temper. All too often it is children who receive the outburst. For some families, this is an isolated flare-up and everyone recovers and moves on. For others, explosions become more frequent and can result in problematic behaviors in their children.
Once you've lost your temper with your child, it can be easy to lose it again. The more you learn about stress and ways to manage your anger, the better prepared you will be.
The Daily Routine
For many households, just the daily rituals and routines create tremendous stress. Often the areas of conflict are around chores, homework, meals, sibling relationships, and bedtime. A good starting point is to decide which behaviors are most difficult for you and then develop a list of rules and appropriate consequences to address them. Make the rules clear and enforce them consistently.
It is helpful to redefine what is most important to you and then prioritize. For example, if getting out of the house on time in the morning is most important, then maybe the beds will not always be made. Planning ahead is valuable and you can often turn routine chores into more meaningful time. Choosing clothes the night before with your child can allow you to giggle together over clothes that don't match instead of heading for a disagreement in the morning.
You are more likely to lose your temper when you are tired or overworked. Try to be aware of your limits and recognize when you begin to feel overwhelmed. Before you head for home, take a break, go for a quick walk or plan an event to look forward to. Talk to friends, family and your child care provider to let them know how you feel. They may help you sort through your feelings and maybe they can give you some time for yourself.
Ages and Stages
The first step for every parent is to identify the feeling you are having as anger. In some situations, an understanding of your child's developmental stage can help you avoid getting angry with your child. Hearing your infant cry for long periods of time can make you feel angry with your child, but the anger is actually due to feelings of frustration and inadequacy at not knowing how to comfort your baby. A direct expression of anger towards your baby will not be helpful. Similarly, your preschooler didn't purposefully break the plate and your twelve-year-old didn't deliberately forget his jacket at school. Most of your anger is with yourself at not being able to control the situation.
Not all anger is considered bad if it is used constructively to change things you don't like. With children who are preschool age and older you can talk afterwards, exchange an apology and acknowledge there will always be arguments. There may be better ways to work things out or you might step back later and see a bit of humor in an argument. Start a pattern in your family of always talking things over after the heat of the moment is past.
If you are no longer focusing your attention on the problem at hand, your anger has taken over. Separate out other issues, previous conflicts with your child, and the accumulated stress of your day and focus only on the present situation. As soon as you feel your anger is inappropriate or no longer productive, you should walk away. It may be best to go into another room to cool off for awhile or call on your networks to get some time for yourself.
Holidays
For many families the joys of the holidays are mixed with the strains of visiting relatives, shopping, the change of family routines, travel and unsolicited advice. It can be difficult to keep the spirit of the season when there are so many changes to adjust to. After the initial excitement, the strain usually starts to show. No matter how much you try or plan ahead, there are bound to be moments that are very frustrating, embarrassing or completely unexpected. To ease the stress, here are a few suggestions to keep in mind.
Talk ahead of time with your friends and relatives to find out exactly what is planned. You can determine what special arrangements or foods will be needed. If you will be traveling, pack the essentials along with favorite lovies and some familiar snacks to help your child handle delayed meals. Ask ahead for help in meeting the needs of your child in a place away from home and once there, relax your rules and restrictions. For a temporary situation it's fine for your child to stay up later or have an extra treat. Above all, maintain your sense of humor to keep the holidays fun.
Coping Strategies
*Simplify whenever possible. To help plan for the morning rush, have clothes laid out, lunches packed and shoes located the night before.
*Be ready to be flexible. You can't prepare for everything and there are bound to be conflicts along the way. If your child insists on the plaid shirt with the striped shorts, avoid an argument and let it go. Ask yourself if it will really matter a week from now.
*Remember all children go through ages and stages. Before you get angry, remind yourself that you can expect typical behavior patterns as your child grows.
*Talk to your child care provider and let her know when you feel stressed or angry. She may have suggestions for you to help minimize your frustrations.
*As soon as you feel your anger is not appropriate, walk away and reach out to others for support.
*Try using humor to gain compliance. You might challenge your child who is always running late in the morning to a race to see who is ready first and out the door on time.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=15
Sometimes the accumulation of stresses can result in your losing your temper. All too often it is children who receive the outburst. For some families, this is an isolated flare-up and everyone recovers and moves on. For others, explosions become more frequent and can result in problematic behaviors in their children.
Once you've lost your temper with your child, it can be easy to lose it again. The more you learn about stress and ways to manage your anger, the better prepared you will be.
The Daily Routine
For many households, just the daily rituals and routines create tremendous stress. Often the areas of conflict are around chores, homework, meals, sibling relationships, and bedtime. A good starting point is to decide which behaviors are most difficult for you and then develop a list of rules and appropriate consequences to address them. Make the rules clear and enforce them consistently.
It is helpful to redefine what is most important to you and then prioritize. For example, if getting out of the house on time in the morning is most important, then maybe the beds will not always be made. Planning ahead is valuable and you can often turn routine chores into more meaningful time. Choosing clothes the night before with your child can allow you to giggle together over clothes that don't match instead of heading for a disagreement in the morning.
You are more likely to lose your temper when you are tired or overworked. Try to be aware of your limits and recognize when you begin to feel overwhelmed. Before you head for home, take a break, go for a quick walk or plan an event to look forward to. Talk to friends, family and your child care provider to let them know how you feel. They may help you sort through your feelings and maybe they can give you some time for yourself.
Ages and Stages
The first step for every parent is to identify the feeling you are having as anger. In some situations, an understanding of your child's developmental stage can help you avoid getting angry with your child. Hearing your infant cry for long periods of time can make you feel angry with your child, but the anger is actually due to feelings of frustration and inadequacy at not knowing how to comfort your baby. A direct expression of anger towards your baby will not be helpful. Similarly, your preschooler didn't purposefully break the plate and your twelve-year-old didn't deliberately forget his jacket at school. Most of your anger is with yourself at not being able to control the situation.
Not all anger is considered bad if it is used constructively to change things you don't like. With children who are preschool age and older you can talk afterwards, exchange an apology and acknowledge there will always be arguments. There may be better ways to work things out or you might step back later and see a bit of humor in an argument. Start a pattern in your family of always talking things over after the heat of the moment is past.
If you are no longer focusing your attention on the problem at hand, your anger has taken over. Separate out other issues, previous conflicts with your child, and the accumulated stress of your day and focus only on the present situation. As soon as you feel your anger is inappropriate or no longer productive, you should walk away. It may be best to go into another room to cool off for awhile or call on your networks to get some time for yourself.
Holidays
For many families the joys of the holidays are mixed with the strains of visiting relatives, shopping, the change of family routines, travel and unsolicited advice. It can be difficult to keep the spirit of the season when there are so many changes to adjust to. After the initial excitement, the strain usually starts to show. No matter how much you try or plan ahead, there are bound to be moments that are very frustrating, embarrassing or completely unexpected. To ease the stress, here are a few suggestions to keep in mind.
Talk ahead of time with your friends and relatives to find out exactly what is planned. You can determine what special arrangements or foods will be needed. If you will be traveling, pack the essentials along with favorite lovies and some familiar snacks to help your child handle delayed meals. Ask ahead for help in meeting the needs of your child in a place away from home and once there, relax your rules and restrictions. For a temporary situation it's fine for your child to stay up later or have an extra treat. Above all, maintain your sense of humor to keep the holidays fun.
Coping Strategies
*Simplify whenever possible. To help plan for the morning rush, have clothes laid out, lunches packed and shoes located the night before.
*Be ready to be flexible. You can't prepare for everything and there are bound to be conflicts along the way. If your child insists on the plaid shirt with the striped shorts, avoid an argument and let it go. Ask yourself if it will really matter a week from now.
*Remember all children go through ages and stages. Before you get angry, remind yourself that you can expect typical behavior patterns as your child grows.
*Talk to your child care provider and let her know when you feel stressed or angry. She may have suggestions for you to help minimize your frustrations.
*As soon as you feel your anger is not appropriate, walk away and reach out to others for support.
*Try using humor to gain compliance. You might challenge your child who is always running late in the morning to a race to see who is ready first and out the door on time.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=15
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Stressed Out? Angry? Mad? Here are some way's to help
Trust me, there isnt an adult in this world who doesnt get angry or
stressed.......why do you think there are so many self help books.
Stress and Anger affect everyone.
I don't think there are many differences between how children and adults need to handle anger. Dealing with anger is a lifelong task and skill we all have to develop.
Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. From time to time we all experience this very powerful feeling. Some of the common causes of anger include frustration, hurt, annoyance, disappointment, harassment and threats. It is helpful to realize that anger can be our friend or foe, depending on how we express it. Knowing how to recognize and express it appropriately can help us to reach goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health. However, failure to recognize and understand our anger may lead to a variety of problems. We all get angry, even adults. The key is to learn how to understand what makes us mad.
*Identify the problem: What is contributing to your stress and how does it become a problem for you
*ALWAYS REMEMBER: CALM DOWN FIRST BEFORE YOU REACT
1.) Next time you are really mad, write down your feelings.
*Keep an angry journal.
*Express yourself on paper.
*This helps to get the anger out.
2.) Put yourself in the other person's shoes. This will help you gain a different perspective. Keep in mind that we are all humans, subject to making mistakes.
3.) Learn how to laugh at yourself and see humor in situations
When you do something that makes you mad at yourself, lighten up a bit, and laugh at
yourself, we all make mistakes. If ya know you made one, your on the right track.
4.) It is also important that you practice trusting other people. It's usually easier to be angry than to trust, so by learning how to trust others you are less likely to direct your anger at them
5.) Learn how to assert yourself. This is a constructive alternative to aggression. When you find yourself angry at another person, try to explain to them what is bothering you about their behavior and why. It takes more words and work to be assertive than it does to let your anger show, but the rewards are worth it.
*If you live each day as if it were your last, you will realize that life is too short to get angry over everything.
6.) Learn how to forgive, it is human to make mistakes.
A good way to relax when stressed is to take some alone time.........go for a walk, put your headset on and enjoy some mellow music.
Do peaceful things.
Try some activites that are mellow and relaxing.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/9691/teenanger.html
stressed.......why do you think there are so many self help books.
Stress and Anger affect everyone.
I don't think there are many differences between how children and adults need to handle anger. Dealing with anger is a lifelong task and skill we all have to develop.
Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. From time to time we all experience this very powerful feeling. Some of the common causes of anger include frustration, hurt, annoyance, disappointment, harassment and threats. It is helpful to realize that anger can be our friend or foe, depending on how we express it. Knowing how to recognize and express it appropriately can help us to reach goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health. However, failure to recognize and understand our anger may lead to a variety of problems. We all get angry, even adults. The key is to learn how to understand what makes us mad.
*Identify the problem: What is contributing to your stress and how does it become a problem for you
*ALWAYS REMEMBER: CALM DOWN FIRST BEFORE YOU REACT
1.) Next time you are really mad, write down your feelings.
*Keep an angry journal.
*Express yourself on paper.
*This helps to get the anger out.
2.) Put yourself in the other person's shoes. This will help you gain a different perspective. Keep in mind that we are all humans, subject to making mistakes.
3.) Learn how to laugh at yourself and see humor in situations
When you do something that makes you mad at yourself, lighten up a bit, and laugh at
yourself, we all make mistakes. If ya know you made one, your on the right track.
4.) It is also important that you practice trusting other people. It's usually easier to be angry than to trust, so by learning how to trust others you are less likely to direct your anger at them
5.) Learn how to assert yourself. This is a constructive alternative to aggression. When you find yourself angry at another person, try to explain to them what is bothering you about their behavior and why. It takes more words and work to be assertive than it does to let your anger show, but the rewards are worth it.
*If you live each day as if it were your last, you will realize that life is too short to get angry over everything.
6.) Learn how to forgive, it is human to make mistakes.
A good way to relax when stressed is to take some alone time.........go for a walk, put your headset on and enjoy some mellow music.
Do peaceful things.
Try some activites that are mellow and relaxing.
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/9691/teenanger.html
Monday, March 17, 2008
Teen Angst or Dangerous Anger? 6 Signs
How to tell if it's normal adolescent moodiness -- or a symptom of more serious trouble.
When Angela’s 15-year-old son, Mark, started hanging out exclusively with the “death metal” crowd, wearing only dark clothes and dying his hair, she fretted. Was this run-of-the-mill teen angst, or something more troubling? Then Mark quit the school play, and one day Angela got a call from the principal, saying Mark had vandalized computers in the school’s library. Now she became really worried.
Erratic teenage behavior is an age-old concern for parents. But in the wake of violent events such as Colorado’s 1999 Columbine High School massacre and the recent mass shooting at Virginia Tech -- even though such incidents are extremely rare -- many adults find themselves taking their kids’ moods seriously. Are they wrestling with “normal” teenage emotions or showing signs of a problem with depression or anger, perhaps even one that could spiral out of control?
Parents are right to pay attention. Serious mental health problems are a real issue for some teens. According to recent research reported in American Family Physician, “At any given time, up to 15% of children and adolescents have some symptoms of depression. Five percent of those 9 to 17 years of age meet the criteria for major depressive disorder.”
But not every instance of a teen acting out is a red flag. Jeffrey Bostic, MD, director of the School Psychiatry Program at Massachusetts General Hospital and assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says a certain amount of rebellion and experimental behavior is normal for teenagers. “Everybody goes through a phase,” he says, “where they will pick more fights or get more piercings or tattoos or whatever is in vogue for their generation.”
However, Bostic explains, when a teen starts to show signs of feeling “isolated from the herd,” bad things can happen. While he notes it’s dangerous to believe that you can add up the risk factors and conclude a violent event will result, Bostic has identified several signs that may indicate something more serious than normal teen angst is going on.
6 Signs of Dangerous Teen Anger
Cry for help. “When a kid tells you, ‘I’m going to do some kind of harm,'" says Bostic, “they’re seeking an intervention.”
Extreme identification. Teens who start to identify exclusively with one clique or subculture and “want to go to war with all the other groups” have crossed the line into dangerous thinking.
Communication blackout. When teens stop talking to other adults and peers altogether, they are likely feeling an extreme degree of social isolation.
Violence. It may seem obvious, but too many parents miss this cue, says Bostic. A pattern of violent activities such as hitting or vandalism can foreshadow future harmful acts.
Dropping out. A sudden disengagement from activities such as music, sports, or theater or an overnight drop in grades can lead to involvement in more risky behavior. A teen who stops identifying with others may have no qualms about doing them harm.
Substance abuse: Especially combined with the above behaviors, drug and alcohol use may relax mental barriers and lead teens to harmful activities they otherwise might avoid. Keep in mind that street drugs aren’t the only hazard; teens also can abuse household cleaning products, aerosol sprays, adult prescription drugs, and over-the-counter cold medications.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
www.webmd.com
When Angela’s 15-year-old son, Mark, started hanging out exclusively with the “death metal” crowd, wearing only dark clothes and dying his hair, she fretted. Was this run-of-the-mill teen angst, or something more troubling? Then Mark quit the school play, and one day Angela got a call from the principal, saying Mark had vandalized computers in the school’s library. Now she became really worried.
Erratic teenage behavior is an age-old concern for parents. But in the wake of violent events such as Colorado’s 1999 Columbine High School massacre and the recent mass shooting at Virginia Tech -- even though such incidents are extremely rare -- many adults find themselves taking their kids’ moods seriously. Are they wrestling with “normal” teenage emotions or showing signs of a problem with depression or anger, perhaps even one that could spiral out of control?
Parents are right to pay attention. Serious mental health problems are a real issue for some teens. According to recent research reported in American Family Physician, “At any given time, up to 15% of children and adolescents have some symptoms of depression. Five percent of those 9 to 17 years of age meet the criteria for major depressive disorder.”
But not every instance of a teen acting out is a red flag. Jeffrey Bostic, MD, director of the School Psychiatry Program at Massachusetts General Hospital and assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says a certain amount of rebellion and experimental behavior is normal for teenagers. “Everybody goes through a phase,” he says, “where they will pick more fights or get more piercings or tattoos or whatever is in vogue for their generation.”
However, Bostic explains, when a teen starts to show signs of feeling “isolated from the herd,” bad things can happen. While he notes it’s dangerous to believe that you can add up the risk factors and conclude a violent event will result, Bostic has identified several signs that may indicate something more serious than normal teen angst is going on.
6 Signs of Dangerous Teen Anger
Cry for help. “When a kid tells you, ‘I’m going to do some kind of harm,'" says Bostic, “they’re seeking an intervention.”
Extreme identification. Teens who start to identify exclusively with one clique or subculture and “want to go to war with all the other groups” have crossed the line into dangerous thinking.
Communication blackout. When teens stop talking to other adults and peers altogether, they are likely feeling an extreme degree of social isolation.
Violence. It may seem obvious, but too many parents miss this cue, says Bostic. A pattern of violent activities such as hitting or vandalism can foreshadow future harmful acts.
Dropping out. A sudden disengagement from activities such as music, sports, or theater or an overnight drop in grades can lead to involvement in more risky behavior. A teen who stops identifying with others may have no qualms about doing them harm.
Substance abuse: Especially combined with the above behaviors, drug and alcohol use may relax mental barriers and lead teens to harmful activities they otherwise might avoid. Keep in mind that street drugs aren’t the only hazard; teens also can abuse household cleaning products, aerosol sprays, adult prescription drugs, and over-the-counter cold medications.
Sourced by: TheSAMIGroup.com
www.webmd.com
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Setting Limits to Make Your Child Less Fearful
By Scott A. Wardell, the Official Guide to Child Development
My Child Is Afraid
& My Child Is Afraid To Try Something New
Child psychology specialist contend that experiencing fear is normal. Adults are aware that fear is a feeling that will pass normally after a short period of time. Children who have not had all the experiences that adults have had are often more anxious and cautious. One role in parenting children includes helping our children cope with their fears.
Some of the most common fears that occur in children between the ages of 5 and 6 include the fear of school, the dark, small animals, heights, water and getting lost.
Children between the ages of 6 and 11 years of age are often afraid of thunder and lightening, dentist and doctors, airplanes and robbers. Children 12 and up often have social fears. They want to “fit in” and fear that they may not measure up to the standards that are set by their peers. Rejection is a common fear in this age group. Taking test, giving oral reports, being embarrassed and dating are also common.
What Can Parents Do?
• Don’t dismiss your child’s fears. Refrain from making comments such as “Stop being silly. You have nothing to fear.” Instead make supporting statements such as “I know you are afraid of getting on the bus. Your best friend and I will be there with you.”
• Let your child know that being afraid or having fears are okay.
• Gradually help your child to overcome a fear. If the child is trying something new, it may take more time. Be patient.
• It’s important that you do not become fearful of their fears, but confident that you have the ability to help your child work through the situation. Fear can be contagious.
• Help your child build a sense of control. Many children are fearful or afraid to try something new because they do not feel in control. For example: A child who is afraid to have friends over because they do not know what will happen or how to behave may be more comfortable starting with one friend at a time. As the parent, you may have to help by being the activity director. Help plan the activities with your child and make separate plans just in case the friend is fearful of trying the activity.
• Children who are fearful need to be in an atmosphere that is safe and has boundaries. Parents need to set limits. Some children, who do not exhibit fears, may develop a fear due to a lack of rules, boundaries and limits set by the parent. Safety rules for bike riding, seat belts in cars and fire safety readiness are examples of rules that need to be established to help our child feel in control and sucure.
• If your child is exhibiting on-going fears, crying or continually refusing to try something new, inform your medical doctor. Some fears grow into phobias and need to be addressed by a trained medical professional. If the fear is school related, speak with the school counselor, social worker, psychologist, nurse, teacher or administrator.
Trying Something New
• Be aware of the developmental stage that your child is at. Do not force your child to try something new, but encourage your child to try. If you show signs of anger or frustration over your child’s fear, shyness or lack of confidence, this may only delay your child’s ability to overcome the fear.
• Do not convey your own personal fears to the child. For example: If you are afraid of the water and participating in swim lessons, speak to the swim instructor so that he or she may pay special attention to your child. You may want to take a separate lesson yourself.
• Some children are afraid of trying something new due to a fear of failure. If this is the case, reduce competition and allow your child to try the new activity in a setting where the number of children involved is low.
• Accompany your child when he or she is trying a new activity.
• If your child often refuses to make any attempt in trying new activities, offer alternative activities. For example: “ You may either join Cub Scouts or the AWANA church activity. I will become a leader in either activity. Which one do you want to join?”
• Make “trying something new” a family practice. Parents need to show their children that they can make new friends and invite friends over to play cards etc. Get the whole family involved in a new activity together. Do volunteer work. The YMCA, Community Education Programs and local church programs are great places to start. You no not need a lot of money to get your family doing something together.
Author's Bio
Scott Wardell is the SelfGrowth Official Guide to Child Development. He’s the creator and author of ScottCounseling.com. Scott has twenty-eight years in education and counseling experience. Visit ScottCounseling.com and receive online counseling services.
Additional Resources covering Child Development can be found at:
Website Directory for Child Development
Articles on Child Development
Products for Child Development
Discussion Board
Scott Wardell, the Official Guide To Child Development
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
My Child Is Afraid
& My Child Is Afraid To Try Something New
Child psychology specialist contend that experiencing fear is normal. Adults are aware that fear is a feeling that will pass normally after a short period of time. Children who have not had all the experiences that adults have had are often more anxious and cautious. One role in parenting children includes helping our children cope with their fears.
Some of the most common fears that occur in children between the ages of 5 and 6 include the fear of school, the dark, small animals, heights, water and getting lost.
Children between the ages of 6 and 11 years of age are often afraid of thunder and lightening, dentist and doctors, airplanes and robbers. Children 12 and up often have social fears. They want to “fit in” and fear that they may not measure up to the standards that are set by their peers. Rejection is a common fear in this age group. Taking test, giving oral reports, being embarrassed and dating are also common.
What Can Parents Do?
• Don’t dismiss your child’s fears. Refrain from making comments such as “Stop being silly. You have nothing to fear.” Instead make supporting statements such as “I know you are afraid of getting on the bus. Your best friend and I will be there with you.”
• Let your child know that being afraid or having fears are okay.
• Gradually help your child to overcome a fear. If the child is trying something new, it may take more time. Be patient.
• It’s important that you do not become fearful of their fears, but confident that you have the ability to help your child work through the situation. Fear can be contagious.
• Help your child build a sense of control. Many children are fearful or afraid to try something new because they do not feel in control. For example: A child who is afraid to have friends over because they do not know what will happen or how to behave may be more comfortable starting with one friend at a time. As the parent, you may have to help by being the activity director. Help plan the activities with your child and make separate plans just in case the friend is fearful of trying the activity.
• Children who are fearful need to be in an atmosphere that is safe and has boundaries. Parents need to set limits. Some children, who do not exhibit fears, may develop a fear due to a lack of rules, boundaries and limits set by the parent. Safety rules for bike riding, seat belts in cars and fire safety readiness are examples of rules that need to be established to help our child feel in control and sucure.
• If your child is exhibiting on-going fears, crying or continually refusing to try something new, inform your medical doctor. Some fears grow into phobias and need to be addressed by a trained medical professional. If the fear is school related, speak with the school counselor, social worker, psychologist, nurse, teacher or administrator.
Trying Something New
• Be aware of the developmental stage that your child is at. Do not force your child to try something new, but encourage your child to try. If you show signs of anger or frustration over your child’s fear, shyness or lack of confidence, this may only delay your child’s ability to overcome the fear.
• Do not convey your own personal fears to the child. For example: If you are afraid of the water and participating in swim lessons, speak to the swim instructor so that he or she may pay special attention to your child. You may want to take a separate lesson yourself.
• Some children are afraid of trying something new due to a fear of failure. If this is the case, reduce competition and allow your child to try the new activity in a setting where the number of children involved is low.
• Accompany your child when he or she is trying a new activity.
• If your child often refuses to make any attempt in trying new activities, offer alternative activities. For example: “ You may either join Cub Scouts or the AWANA church activity. I will become a leader in either activity. Which one do you want to join?”
• Make “trying something new” a family practice. Parents need to show their children that they can make new friends and invite friends over to play cards etc. Get the whole family involved in a new activity together. Do volunteer work. The YMCA, Community Education Programs and local church programs are great places to start. You no not need a lot of money to get your family doing something together.
Author's Bio
Scott Wardell is the SelfGrowth Official Guide to Child Development. He’s the creator and author of ScottCounseling.com. Scott has twenty-eight years in education and counseling experience. Visit ScottCounseling.com and receive online counseling services.
Additional Resources covering Child Development can be found at:
Website Directory for Child Development
Articles on Child Development
Products for Child Development
Discussion Board
Scott Wardell, the Official Guide To Child Development
Sourced By: TheSAMIGroup.com
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Parents Under Stress: Surviving The Thoughest Job You'll Ever Love
Here is some help to get you through the frustrations and stresses of parenthood so you can focus on just enjoying your children.
Managing Parental Stress (16)
Parenting Skills (19)
Pregnancy Stress - The Risks, and How To Avoid Pregnancy Stress
Pregnancy in itself can bring a lot of stress. Learn about some of the effects of pregnancy stress, and how to relieve stress during pregnancy and afterward.
Stress Ads
*What Causes Stress
*Stress at Workplace
*Overcome Stress
*Stress Games
*Eliminate Stress
*Common Causes of Stress for Mothers
Children tend to bring great joys, as well as many challenges. If you're a mother feeling stress, you're not alone. Here are some common causes of stress, with resources for help.
*Kid Stress and Happiness: How Kids In Your LIfe Can Impact Happiness and Stress
The role of children in your life can impact your happiness and stress level-for better or worse. Learn more about how kid stress can negatively impact your happiness, and how children can also enhance the level of happiness you experience in your life, and find resources for managing stress and dealing with special needs, infertility, and more.
*Parents and Stress:
Stress Relievers You Can Do With Your Children
As any parent will tell you, even the best children can create stress for their parents at times. While lifestyle factors play a role, and self care strategies are important, it's also essential to have some stress relievers up your sleeve that can be done with your children, so you can both relieve stress at the same time. The following are stress relieers for parents that can be done while caring for children.
*Parents and Depression: Who's At Risk And Why?
Recent research has shown that parents are more likely than non-parents to suffer from symptoms of depression. Also, learn who's more and less likely to experience depression: non-custodial parents, parents of minors, parents of small children, mothers, fathers, married parents, single parents, parents of adult children, and others. Learn more about these findings, discover some of the reasons behind this, and find resources to help manage parental stress and stay emotionally healthy.
Stress-Free Driving
You don't have to let traffic get the best of you. Try these simple stress-relief techniques to put the brakes on road rage.
Check out this video
Check out this video
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Finding an Antidote to the Poison of Shame
Every time Grace, a gifted drama teacher, taught a class, she returned home with an awful sinking feeling. She didn’t understand why. “I had such fun and did a great job,” she thought to herself. Yet, rather than expand from the delight and exuberance of her time in the classroom, she contracted. Grace’s contraction comes from the experience of shame, a poison that keeps us from experiencing our own joy and disconnects us from the aliveness within and around us. Where as guilt is associated with a particular memory or event and having done something wrong, the feeling of shame is about being wrong at our core. It is a debilitating feeling we have about ourselves that comes from a core belief that we are basically and unalterably flawed.
Sources of Shame, The poison that is the root of shame is absorbed in early childhood. As a result of not being seen and loved for who we are, we develop the belief that we are unlovable and that something is inherently wrong with us. Perhaps we were told outright that we were bad, stupid or undeserving, or perhaps we were physically abused, from which we concluded we had no value.
The thing we may have done “wrong” might have been simply expressing our joyful authenticity. Like Grace, we learned that it is not safe to be who we truly are. Purpose of Shame, Oddly enough, shame gives us the illusion of safety. It provides us with a feeling of control over other people’s feelings and actions. If we are not getting what we want in life—in our personal relationships, in our work, even in our experience of self—a sense of power comes from “knowing” that it is because we are inadequate. If our perceived "defectiveness" is causing the results we see, we believe there is always something we can do about it. We can do things “right.” Clinging to the belief that our inadequacy is the cause of other people’s behavior towards us prevents us from accepting our inherent helplessness over others’ feelings and actions. When we begin to understand that all people at all times are simply exercising their free will and it has nothing to do with us,healing can begin. The poison of shame can be eradicated by taking certain steps towards healing.
• The first step is to identify your shame, to become aware of how it
feels in your body.
• Once you recognize the feeling, notice shame every time it arises and
experience it fully; name it and feel it.
• Be willing to express your authentic feelings—including your joy
and sense of true power. Reverse the shutting down effect shame causes
by giving yourself permission to fully “show up.”
• Accept that other people’s feelings have nothing to do with you. With
compassion, choose to no longer take their behavior personally.
• Practice forgiveness—for those whose behavior led to you feeling
shamed, and for yourself.Please don’t hesitate to call if you’d like help releasing the false belief that you are defective so that you
can affirm the unique and marvelous
individual that you are.
Sourced By: www.TheSAMIGroup.com
Sources of Shame, The poison that is the root of shame is absorbed in early childhood. As a result of not being seen and loved for who we are, we develop the belief that we are unlovable and that something is inherently wrong with us. Perhaps we were told outright that we were bad, stupid or undeserving, or perhaps we were physically abused, from which we concluded we had no value.
The thing we may have done “wrong” might have been simply expressing our joyful authenticity. Like Grace, we learned that it is not safe to be who we truly are. Purpose of Shame, Oddly enough, shame gives us the illusion of safety. It provides us with a feeling of control over other people’s feelings and actions. If we are not getting what we want in life—in our personal relationships, in our work, even in our experience of self—a sense of power comes from “knowing” that it is because we are inadequate. If our perceived "defectiveness" is causing the results we see, we believe there is always something we can do about it. We can do things “right.” Clinging to the belief that our inadequacy is the cause of other people’s behavior towards us prevents us from accepting our inherent helplessness over others’ feelings and actions. When we begin to understand that all people at all times are simply exercising their free will and it has nothing to do with us,healing can begin. The poison of shame can be eradicated by taking certain steps towards healing.
• The first step is to identify your shame, to become aware of how it
feels in your body.
• Once you recognize the feeling, notice shame every time it arises and
experience it fully; name it and feel it.
• Be willing to express your authentic feelings—including your joy
and sense of true power. Reverse the shutting down effect shame causes
by giving yourself permission to fully “show up.”
• Accept that other people’s feelings have nothing to do with you. With
compassion, choose to no longer take their behavior personally.
• Practice forgiveness—for those whose behavior led to you feeling
shamed, and for yourself.Please don’t hesitate to call if you’d like help releasing the false belief that you are defective so that you
can affirm the unique and marvelous
individual that you are.
Sourced By: www.TheSAMIGroup.com
Monday, March 10, 2008
10 Ways to Start (and Maintain) a Good New Year
The best way to have a good year is by living life fully on a daily basis, and by
letting the good days accumulate, one by one. And it doesn't have to be New Year's
Day to make the resolution to have a good year. Start anytime. Today, for instance.
1. Take time and slow down. Be mindful of the present moment.
2. Care for your body. Eat well, exercise, treat yourself to loving,
nurturing self-care.
3. Spend quality time with family and friends. Communicate, keep in touch. Say “I love you.” Tell people you appreciate them.
4. Take time to renew yourself. Take a walk, read a poem or a good book, listen to music. Bring beauty into your life. Retreat from your
daily routine.
5. Clean up what needs to be cleaned up. Make amends,fix what's broken, clear away clutter, forgive what needs to be forgiven and let go.
6. Commit to a project you really want to do. Learn something new, or go for what you want. Set achievable goals and work towards them every day.
7. Give yourself to a cause. Volunteer at a nonprofit organization, a
community group, or your church, or lend a hand to an individual or family who could use your help.
8. Practice your spirituality. In whatever form you express it, practice daily.
9. Laugh every day.
10. Take time to dream. What will make this a great year?
letting the good days accumulate, one by one. And it doesn't have to be New Year's
Day to make the resolution to have a good year. Start anytime. Today, for instance.
1. Take time and slow down. Be mindful of the present moment.
2. Care for your body. Eat well, exercise, treat yourself to loving,
nurturing self-care.
3. Spend quality time with family and friends. Communicate, keep in touch. Say “I love you.” Tell people you appreciate them.
4. Take time to renew yourself. Take a walk, read a poem or a good book, listen to music. Bring beauty into your life. Retreat from your
daily routine.
5. Clean up what needs to be cleaned up. Make amends,fix what's broken, clear away clutter, forgive what needs to be forgiven and let go.
6. Commit to a project you really want to do. Learn something new, or go for what you want. Set achievable goals and work towards them every day.
7. Give yourself to a cause. Volunteer at a nonprofit organization, a
community group, or your church, or lend a hand to an individual or family who could use your help.
8. Practice your spirituality. In whatever form you express it, practice daily.
9. Laugh every day.
10. Take time to dream. What will make this a great year?
Friday, March 7, 2008
The "Active" Leader Within: Harnessing Non-Conscious Brain Power to Move from Ideas to Action
With our constant stream of emails, voicemails, meetings, conference calls, pages, faxes and so on, it is a minor miracle that any of us can accomplish anything. With our Blackberrys surgically implanted into our hands, our time is sliced so thinly
that we never have the focused time to develop the big-picture perspective
required for an action plan, let alone the time to execute it
“Daily routines, superficial behaviors, poorly prioritized or
unfocused tasks leech managers’capacities—making unproductive
busyness perhaps the most critical behavioral problem” in business today, contend Heike Bruch and Sumantra Ghoshal in their book A Bias for Action.
For so many of us—whether CEOs for major corporations, small business
owners or solo-entrepreneurs—there is a fundamental disconnection
between knowing what should be done and actually doing it. Calling
this disconnection the “knowing- doing gap,” Stanford University
researchers Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton pose the question: “Why does knowledge of what needs to be done frequently fail to result in action or behavior consistent with that knowledge?”
Is there anyone in business today who hasn’t wondered the same thing?
The answer, argue Bruch and Ghoshal, is both simple and
profound. They sum it up with the term “willpower.” The problem
they say is not that managers’ time is sliced, but that their intention or
“volition” is sliced as well.Getting things done requires two
critical components: energy and focus.And both are at risk in the modern
workplace. Building a bias for action in yourself and your organization requires developing and reinforcing the skills to become a “purposeful” or “volitional” manager. These are people who can consistently achieve their objectives by making
an unconditional commitment to their goals and then leveraging the
power of that intention to overcome the obstacles in their way, whether
their own doubts or the bureaucracies within their organizations.
“Purposeful action-taking depends on engaging the power of the non-
conscious mind,” according to John Assaraf of One Coach. “Not only does your non-conscious mind galvanize your mental and emotional energy, it also enables you to make your intention happen against the most powerful odds: distractions,
temptations to move in a different direction, self-doubt, and negativity. Non-conscious brain power is the force that strengthens your energy and sharpens your focus throughout the action-taking process.” Anutza Bellissimo of the Stress
& Anger Management Institute identifies four key steps that form the basis of uccessfully taking action:Gain clarity of your beliefs To work, your goals must be in alignment with your core beliefs. Your professional beliefs must be aligned with your personal beliefs so you can clearly visualize its success.
Your beliefs will affect your habits and your perceptions.Empower your conscious mind
This is the key step. When we do not take the time to align our
beliefs with our intentions, a chaotic mental vibration causes us to feel
uncomfortable; doubts, fear or anxiety begin to set in. This leads
to the amygdala releasing stress hormones and we revert to our old habits, thereby creating difficulty in accomplishing our new goals.Protect your intention Once you have made your commitment, you have to protect it from forces both within yourself and your organization.Disengage from your intention. The point of success—or failure—
from which you walk away and take up the next challenge depends on whether or not you can allow the seed you have planted to grow. Many times we stunt our own growth by not allowing the changes we’ve put into place to naturally come to life. From the commitment comes both the emotional energy and the focus that are critical to your success. In short, the process of getting things done in business is pretty much the same as in any other aspect of life: The only things that get done are
those that you genuinely believe in, and believe will get done.To your success! [The SAMI Group provides individual coaching and group classes on the power
of the non-conscious mind and how to use your brain power to harness your
ultimate goals and success. Please call for
an appointment at 310-372-3765.
The "Active" Leader Within:
Harnessing Non-Conscious Brain Power to Move from Ideas to Action
that we never have the focused time to develop the big-picture perspective
required for an action plan, let alone the time to execute it
“Daily routines, superficial behaviors, poorly prioritized or
unfocused tasks leech managers’capacities—making unproductive
busyness perhaps the most critical behavioral problem” in business today, contend Heike Bruch and Sumantra Ghoshal in their book A Bias for Action.
For so many of us—whether CEOs for major corporations, small business
owners or solo-entrepreneurs—there is a fundamental disconnection
between knowing what should be done and actually doing it. Calling
this disconnection the “knowing- doing gap,” Stanford University
researchers Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton pose the question: “Why does knowledge of what needs to be done frequently fail to result in action or behavior consistent with that knowledge?”
Is there anyone in business today who hasn’t wondered the same thing?
The answer, argue Bruch and Ghoshal, is both simple and
profound. They sum it up with the term “willpower.” The problem
they say is not that managers’ time is sliced, but that their intention or
“volition” is sliced as well.Getting things done requires two
critical components: energy and focus.And both are at risk in the modern
workplace. Building a bias for action in yourself and your organization requires developing and reinforcing the skills to become a “purposeful” or “volitional” manager. These are people who can consistently achieve their objectives by making
an unconditional commitment to their goals and then leveraging the
power of that intention to overcome the obstacles in their way, whether
their own doubts or the bureaucracies within their organizations.
“Purposeful action-taking depends on engaging the power of the non-
conscious mind,” according to John Assaraf of One Coach. “Not only does your non-conscious mind galvanize your mental and emotional energy, it also enables you to make your intention happen against the most powerful odds: distractions,
temptations to move in a different direction, self-doubt, and negativity. Non-conscious brain power is the force that strengthens your energy and sharpens your focus throughout the action-taking process.” Anutza Bellissimo of the Stress
& Anger Management Institute identifies four key steps that form the basis of uccessfully taking action:Gain clarity of your beliefs To work, your goals must be in alignment with your core beliefs. Your professional beliefs must be aligned with your personal beliefs so you can clearly visualize its success.
Your beliefs will affect your habits and your perceptions.Empower your conscious mind
This is the key step. When we do not take the time to align our
beliefs with our intentions, a chaotic mental vibration causes us to feel
uncomfortable; doubts, fear or anxiety begin to set in. This leads
to the amygdala releasing stress hormones and we revert to our old habits, thereby creating difficulty in accomplishing our new goals.Protect your intention Once you have made your commitment, you have to protect it from forces both within yourself and your organization.Disengage from your intention. The point of success—or failure—
from which you walk away and take up the next challenge depends on whether or not you can allow the seed you have planted to grow. Many times we stunt our own growth by not allowing the changes we’ve put into place to naturally come to life. From the commitment comes both the emotional energy and the focus that are critical to your success. In short, the process of getting things done in business is pretty much the same as in any other aspect of life: The only things that get done are
those that you genuinely believe in, and believe will get done.To your success! [The SAMI Group provides individual coaching and group classes on the power
of the non-conscious mind and how to use your brain power to harness your
ultimate goals and success. Please call for
an appointment at 310-372-3765.
The "Active" Leader Within:
Harnessing Non-Conscious Brain Power to Move from Ideas to Action
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Reclaim Life through Transition
One of the experiences that we can count on in this life is change. Transition. We are going along living our life and all of a sudden the way we experience life is altered. The changes we encounter can be varied, from the joy of having a new baby to the grief of a loved one dying. All transitions give us a new opportunity to reclaim our lives!
Many transitions have a sense of loss. Even if you are moving into an amazing new life, there may be times at which you grieve the old way of being. Here are some of the dynamics of transitions:
* A shift within yourself leads to an external shift.
* An external shift in your world leads to an internal shift.
* There may be an internal experience of shock, denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance.
* You may feel they are on an emotional roller coaster.
* Strengths occur that you may not have known that you possess.
* There can be many areas of personal growth.
* This can be a time of relearning about your world.
* There may be a realization of how prevalent the unknown really is.
* Transitions pick up the residuals of what we have not completed.
* Who you thought you were changes. This is a time of redefining and remembering the Self.
* Woven throughout this may be a sense of excitement.
This period of transition offers many new possibilities. We get a chance to reflect on what is important to us. We can become clear of what has been draining us. There is an opportunity to eliminate the aspects in our life that no longer support us (beliefs, people, stuff, etc). At various times we become aware that anything is possible, which increases our curiosity. What new changes might come from this? We become aware of how strong we are. "If I can move through this, I can do anything!"
The choices that you make during a transition will affect how your life will be in the future. I like to call this "webbing." Imagine a spider building a web. One thread leads to the next thread which leads to the next, and at some point the web is complete. Each thread is an integral part of the web. Are you creating your web with thoughts or actions of blame, shame or retaliation? Do you spend time in judgment of yourself or others? Transitions are an excellent time to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. What are you telling yourself about this experience? Are you giving yourself permission to feel? A helpful question to ask your self is "How do I choose to be today?"
Here are some strategies that you can implement to ease any transition:
* Create a routine for yourself.
* Surround yourself with supportive people (friends, support groups, hiring a coach, etc).
* Give yourself time for reflection (journaling, being out in nature, watching your kids play, etc).
* Simplify.
* Increase your self-care.
* Ask for help.
* Become sensitive to your intuition (listen, trust and take action from inspiration).
Transitions can propel your life into amazing new places, which can give you the room you need to reclaim your life!
Author: Lynne Morrell
Many transitions have a sense of loss. Even if you are moving into an amazing new life, there may be times at which you grieve the old way of being. Here are some of the dynamics of transitions:
* A shift within yourself leads to an external shift.
* An external shift in your world leads to an internal shift.
* There may be an internal experience of shock, denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance.
* You may feel they are on an emotional roller coaster.
* Strengths occur that you may not have known that you possess.
* There can be many areas of personal growth.
* This can be a time of relearning about your world.
* There may be a realization of how prevalent the unknown really is.
* Transitions pick up the residuals of what we have not completed.
* Who you thought you were changes. This is a time of redefining and remembering the Self.
* Woven throughout this may be a sense of excitement.
This period of transition offers many new possibilities. We get a chance to reflect on what is important to us. We can become clear of what has been draining us. There is an opportunity to eliminate the aspects in our life that no longer support us (beliefs, people, stuff, etc). At various times we become aware that anything is possible, which increases our curiosity. What new changes might come from this? We become aware of how strong we are. "If I can move through this, I can do anything!"
The choices that you make during a transition will affect how your life will be in the future. I like to call this "webbing." Imagine a spider building a web. One thread leads to the next thread which leads to the next, and at some point the web is complete. Each thread is an integral part of the web. Are you creating your web with thoughts or actions of blame, shame or retaliation? Do you spend time in judgment of yourself or others? Transitions are an excellent time to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. What are you telling yourself about this experience? Are you giving yourself permission to feel? A helpful question to ask your self is "How do I choose to be today?"
Here are some strategies that you can implement to ease any transition:
* Create a routine for yourself.
* Surround yourself with supportive people (friends, support groups, hiring a coach, etc).
* Give yourself time for reflection (journaling, being out in nature, watching your kids play, etc).
* Simplify.
* Increase your self-care.
* Ask for help.
* Become sensitive to your intuition (listen, trust and take action from inspiration).
Transitions can propel your life into amazing new places, which can give you the room you need to reclaim your life!
Author: Lynne Morrell
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